I miss my kiddos being little.

Every time I see a picture of them as a baby or a toddler, I find myself fighting the sobs. Nevertheless, water will fill my eyes.

My kids will ask why I get emotional when I see these pictures.

I will say, "I cry because it makes me wish I could go back in time and hold you all, snuggle with you all real tight one last time...you have grown up so fast. I miss your littleness."

And while that is true...it's not the full truth.

What I really mean is:

I cry because it makes me wish I could go back and in time and first hold myself, tell myself to quit beating myself up over the fact that I felt like a terrible mother, an ugly wife, a miserable friend, a confused child of God due to an unknown anxiety that plagued me so fiercely I could barely function, on top of the wrong medication I was taking that had me a zombie.

Then I would hold my kids, hold them so tight; savoring the moment, a moment I felt too overwhelmed to take the time to do, and tell them just how precious they are to me and how proud I am of the people they have become and how everyday I feel honored to know I have the privilege of being their mom. 

I cry because these are all things I wish I could do, now that I'm outside of that old world, now that I have a different mindset. Now that I'm pain-free, anxiety-free and depression-free.

I'm showing you these pictures not because I feel that being overweight will make you miserable. I have full confidence that if I were leading a better life at this weight, I would have been truly happy, confident, and felt sexy in my own skin. Weight is a number....and no matter the number, it won't bring you any form of happiness, confidence, and feeling of beauty if you aren't doing all that you can not only for your body, but for the growth of your mind, heart, and soul.

Even at my lowest weight in life, I was unhappy and felt good for nothing.

But I cry because I remember how much I hated what I saw in the mirror. I hated that no matter how I did my hair or how I did my makeup, that it was all a bandaid to how miserable I was, forgetting that it was my heart and mind that needed help, not my looks.

I cry because I woke up depressed, every day, counting down the hours until the kids' bedtime just so I could stay up to a ridiculous hour, binge watching TV while binge eating until guilt had me finally crawling in bed, knowing that my day would start in just a few hours.

I cry because I didn't know that it was ok to say to those around you, "I need a break. I need your help. I need you to help me."

I cry because I didn't know that to love myself was what God not only wanted for me but wants for all of us and that to love yourself does not mean you'll become arrogant, vain, prideful.

I cry because I was so confused with how the path I felt I should continue on made me feel repressed and of little value, but was told may have some great reward in the end--if I make it and IF that's even true.

I cry because I felt I was measured best by living in a mold that didn't honor me.

And that I had no value if I didn't endure to the end in this mold.

I cry because I lost friends as I didn't understand how to show unconditional love. 

Because to love someone as they are, with no exceptions, was scary.

I cry because I tried fitting others into a mold which only showed them that I loved conditionally.

Finally, I cry because this mindset was of a person attempting to raise three kids, to teach them how to be the best little humans this planet needs; to love others as God loves them...and yet, I didn't even have the basics within me to stop and love them like I feel I should've.

But then, I stumble across photos like this:

 (July 2007)

And I'm reminded of God's tender mercies. How He helps us where we lack, how He takes control when we feel we can do no more. How He understands our mindset, and also our heart. How He sees that many of us are just doing the best we can, with what we know and with what we have.

And, in looking at my kiddos today, and in looking back on these past few years of finding my truth, and in turn, knowing how best to be present for my kiddos and to teach them the things of importance, I feel quite blessed.

I want to say, or shout if it helps, the importance of taking time for yourself. 

The importance of finding something that will help you know who you are.

The importance of turning inward and knowing the soul God created that resides in you.

The importance of not allowing fear to control your actions, or worse, to allow it to control how you live your life.

I can finally say that I'm happy. Truly happy.

And that every day is a gift.

I got to where I am at now through the pure grace of God.

I dunno if I ever cried to Him for help during those years, 

but He sure found it necessary to help me.

And He knew exactly how.

Through specific people that I have no doubt He put on my path.

And because of them, I cry.

And because of them, I had the courage to try.

To dare.

To be willing to put Him first, above all else.

And to be willing to dare to try what He tells me to do...regardless of how anyone will perceive it.

I'd be lying if I said it was easy. It has been hard as hell at times. It has been hard to break poor conditions, degrading mindsets,  manipulative relationships, learning to say no, learning the importance of putting myself first, learning to cut people from your life who strive to hold you back, learning that some people only love you to an extent and the after that, push you away...

...just like I used to do.

And with each sunset, my heart cries (if I don't openly). 

Because I was given another chance to see life how God wants all His children to.

I got new jammies!

Every Christmas Eve each member of the family gets new jammies.

It would be a shame to have gone this whole year, with my new obsession of plaid, and not make sure that the theme of our family's pajamas is PLAID.

I love how my family opened presents with their new jammies and instead of groveling over a pattern that they've certainly seen too much of, said, "These are so cool!"

Christmas was the day that I planned on staying in my jam-jams all day long. But that didn't happen. 

Instead I planned it for today. 

Monday.

I think all Mondays should be jammie wearing day, IMHO.

It's the 28th of December and while I'm sure someone's partying somewhere, it's a sure boring day over here.

I've been asked "What can I do? Who can I play with?" four times today. Just now I was asked, "Can you see if so-and-so can play tomorrow?"

Apparently the new presents Santa provided aren't near as fun to play with when the weather went through a forty degree drop overnight.

Ok, first off, last week's weather was freakin' AMAZING.

I swear this was an answer to my last three years' prayers. My gym friend and I have loathed the cold weather and every morning would shiver our tails off while waiting for those blasted gym doors to open. I feel like our cries were finally heard.

Global warming? BRING IT. It sure makes for a better workout anyway! ;)

......................................................................................................

Annnnnnnnywayyyyyys.

To get to the brunt of this post:

I realized that my last blog post may have come off like I was complaining.

Or depressed.

Or anxious.

Or tired.

Or any emotion other than happy.

"It does sound like a bummer post, doesn't it?" I asked Mr Hunter last night, while reading through it one last time.

Mr Hunter shrugged and smiled, saying, "I thought it was very sweet what you said about me though."

I want you all to know that I'm doing so well right now.

The first of the year wasn't too bad. 

And then as the year progressed, it became less enjoyable and more life learning.

I'm still considering writing another post about all I learned so I'll skip to October.

October was The Great Shift in my life. It was that month when I felt like all those angels I've leaned on for support, care, to hold me while I tackled my demons, finally took a step back, loosened their grip around me and said, "Ladee, be free. You can do this."

(I saved this on my computer this summer, posted it on FB and can't find it online to source it. If this is your photo, contact me and I will source you.)

From then on I was changed. 

But in a good way.

Actually, in a GREAT WAY.

I felt like my soul was in hibernation; going through extensive amounts of questioning and learning, healing, searching for inner truth; an internal whirlwind. My soul went through such a concentration of highs and lows, comfort and loss in a few short months than I have experienced in years combined. 

But finally: I found freedom.

(Source. Thank you!)

And never doubting once that God had ever left my side.

I realized just how many things held me down. Things that I thoroughly believed were to uplift me, were actually the shackles that imprisoned me my whole life.

I was robbed. So robbed.

Letting go of all the "fluff" as I call it, and holding tight to God, Christ, and my family; the bare essentials, and letting go of everything that doesn't feel right within me, has given me such freedom and a happiness so rich I have felt at times my heart would burst.

While I know I could write more and go into way more depth than I am right now, I leave my readers with this:

If ____ (you fill in the blank) doesn't honor you, doesn't make your soul sing, doesn't bring you PURE joy and happiness, doesn't have you waking up proud of the person you are...

LET IT GO.

If it's a person you must keep in your life (example: a family member that you love dearly), LET GO of the way they feel about you/your situation/your decisions. Let them think and judge and act for themselves, but don't allow it to affect you. The moment you don't let their thoughts/words affect you is the moment you're liberated.

For if you are truly happy, does it mater what anyone thinks? Would you rather be unhappy but keep them happy? How unfair that is. To sacrifice your happiness, forgo what God wants you to have most, for someone else's opinion to be the way they want about you.

So, going back to my last post, this year wasn't catastrophic, although it sounds like it. It had it's ups and it sure had some downs.

And yeah, I'm really, really ready for the year to be over. Because I'm so excited to start new, with a new me of sorts.

But I've never been happier.

And I've never felt more loved and more free.

<3

First and foremost: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I kept kicking myself this holiday season because as much as I tried, I couldn't get myself to be motivated to make my tree look like last year's.

 (Decemeber 2014)

Or like anyone's, for that matter.

I pulled out the tree and the lights early this month but found myself just not in the mood to do even that. I kept delaying the ornament hanging to "tomorrow"; a word that I love and a word that I love to hate.

My son pulled out the silvery-blue Christmas bulbs that we have had for the past several years and added them to the tree, bless his heart. I handed each family member their new ornament for the year, to which we hung.

But that was it.

I did buy two new boxes of white lights to add to our tree though because nothing is prettier than a tree so full of lights that the neighbors living behind us wonder if the darn thing is aflame.

I wish I could pinpoint why I don't have the motivation to decorate much this year.

I often wonder if it's because this year is much different than 2014. In some ways good and in other ways not as good. I wouldn't say this year was catastrophic. All years have their ups and downs. Maybe my tree is looking more "plain" because this year I've come to find that the simple things in life are the things to be most valued.

Or maybe it's because I'm just super ready to have this year over.

I've learned a lot this year.

And while I know that I will never go a day in this life without learning, I have felt that a lot of *life lessons* were made this year; lessons that I will no doubt carry with me throughout the rest of my existence.

I felt like 2015 was another 2011, in many ways. It was great and terrible. And life changing.

But I have nothing but gratitude towards our Lord and our God that it happened. I know that all things happen for a reason. I know too that all lessons learned are times when God sits back quietly, much like a teacher does during an exam, to see how we'll handle these hard times but ready to help the moment your hand is raised.

I'm grateful too for a patient and caring husband. I feel like I've dragged him through these changes of mine, whether he liked it or not and at the end of each day he would hold me close, told me of his support and helped comfort me so I could rest a little more easy.

I have found how important family is this year. How I cherish each one of my children in a way more rich and deep than I have in years past. And I cherish the lives of my friends and their family a little more too.

After all, life is truly about enjoying the simple things. For without simple things, there's no great rewards.

Maybe I'll do another blog post or video, about all this year has taught me.

But for now, I want to wish you, my readers, a Merry Christmas.

And I want you to know how much I love you. How much I appreciate you. How much your kindness and support has meant so much to me and has been something I have leaned on heavily during those days when I felt hopeless. I know I've been absent many times during these trials, but you've been understanding, held no judgement and I knew I always had open arms to run to.

May you be blessed. Loved. Cherished. Held close. Know your value.

And thank you, again.

My Dad had quite the tight spring in his finger. My siblings and I know this all too well. Being one of seven kids, I figured my Dad resorted to a good head-thumping to keep us in line as it was quick and easy, got the point (read: pain) across without raising his voice to us, no spanking needed, no dragging a kid to their room to think it over as being alone in our room was, let's get real here, with a small neighborhood living under one roof, a luxury. 

All he had to do was pull back his finger with his thumb and raise it over our head that had us shutting-up the "foul" language we were using, begging our teased siblings for forgiveness, instantly cleaning up our mess, whatever it was that we, the children, knew that he was coming after us for.

It's the worst when we didn't see it coming. We'd taunt our sibling in quiet, thinking everyone is out of earshot, when the world would shake with a loud crashing sound as our eyeballs rolled around in our head. Before we could come to, the swelling pain from one small spot on our head told us we were in big trouble mister. 

Yesterday I felt compelled to go on a genealogy site I'm a member of. In my search, in my father's ancestry line, I read the memories of his great grandmother. 

Needless to say, I laughed. 

Out loud. 

While we hated, HATED Dad's head thumping, at that moment I looked back on it with an amused grin, no doubt. Funny how odd characteristics (be it good or bad) are passed down from generation to generation. Old habits we have our children see and replicate.

I'm just grateful Dad didn't carry around a thimble.

Easter, kickin' it old school video games, and silly kiddos! Come and see what's gone on over here the last month!

Oh the joys of looking through your phone at the old videos once recorded.

I thought we'd have fun looking at these videos together!

My kids are the light of my life. No one makes me prouder, happier, and laugh louder than my kids.
But let's get real, no one can drive me from sanity to the loony bin faster either. ;)

Follow me as I share a few small glimpses into my life and get to know us a little more.

Every now and then, say, every few months, I will scroll through my phone's gallery, usually with a child peering over my shoulders, looking at all the pictures I've taken, the videos where I captured a moment I didn't want to forget, and hilarious or inspirational quotes I've downloaded from all over the web...half the time moving my phone's from said child's eyes and clicking the back button as my form of humor may not compute, or be as innocent, as his/hers, while telling him/her that it's time to go do something productive before their brain could catch up long enough to ask what in the world it was that I was hiding from them.

I thought it would be fun to share these moments with you, to let you in on that little black, handheld device that I carry around in my back pocket, against my backside, or in the compartment in my purse next to where I hold my mace.

Here lies all my secrets. LOL, or LACK THEREOF.

My daughter has been eye-balling these Diamond Candles for a few months now. They're supposed to be the greatest candles ever, she says, because inside each candle is a diamond ring! And what are diamonds, folks??? 

So she saved her money, handed it over to me and I ordered one online. She HAD to get the Watermelon Wedge scent, from what other youtubers have stated, it is the best scent, and she HAD to get a gold ring with a PINK diamond, something she knew she couldn't control, but was hoping nonetheless! 

Finally it arrived, I called her while she was at the neighbor's house, and she ran home to tear open the box. Instantly the amazingly sweet, savory smell filled our nostrils before she even unwrapped it. 

But what touched my heart was when she said, "Hey Mom, do you think you could help me do a ring reveal for youtube?" 

"Sure sweetie," I told her, assuming she wanted that to be the start of her youtube channel, as she's been talking about starting one for a while now.

"...and can you post it on your channel? I want your viewers to see."

How could I resist? While Diamond Candles, even product reviews in general, have not been done on my channel, I was happy that my first experience doing so was with my beautiful daughter.

Watch and see what kind of ring she gets and what her thoughts are on this candle!

Jane is incredible and this is why I KNOW everyone should know her. Go meet her!

When given with all the love of my little boy's heart, any weed becomes the most beautiful flower.

When one sibling is at piano practice and the other is out with Daddy, what's a kid to do to do to pass the time?

Make a silly youtube video with Mommy, of course!

Here's a kid who thoroughly enjoys having me in his presence. He hasn't followed the "Mom, don't kiss me/hug me/dance in front of my friends" fad that's going around.

Do they not understand that I am fed by embarrassment? Do they not understand that I've been spending well over a decade trying to embarrass Mr Hunter, much to my own foolish appearance? The best is yet to come, my darlings! ;)

Watch! You won't be sorry!


UPDATE: Now Girl Bunny and Boy Lyon want their time in the spotlight! Who-da thought being in a video with a little editing and some funky background music could be so fun? Apparently they didn't think so. Remember, I'm the embarrassment? Well, apparently, not any more. That is, until I get them on camera...hee hee. Hugs? Kisses? Some dancing and singing?

Oh, you bet!

Five days ago I heard the devastating news that my good friend passed away in her sleep.

She was 37.

She has 4 kids and one amazing, sweet husband.

This passing was completely, 100% unexpected.

This was a woman who I thought would live to be in her 100's; old, cranky, healthy as a horse and sharp as a tack.

I never would have guessed this would be a woman that God decided he needed a little earlier than what my crystal ball was predicting. 

And I wonder if she agreed as she was taken home to her Maker. 

This was a gal who loved everyone fiercely, and she loved her children even more. As her husband quoted her at her funeral, "I don't want to raise average kids to send out to the world, I want to raise the best."

And so she did. She was 5 feet tall and tough, but all in the name of love.

What I loved too was that she never once worried what others thought of her. She was too busy making the world a better place, raising her kids to be the stellar children that they have become in the short time she has been with them, serving others and finding humor and happiness all in between.

I. Loved. This. Girl. 

She used to live behind me, our homes shared the same alley. How I loved that she was right there. The knowledge in that brought peace to my heart. She was such a brave, courageous woman that though I was 950 miles from my family and felt the vulnerability of that, her friendship was enough for me to feel safe in this new state, full of new people and ridiculously stupid drivers (like the time when she mentioned how ridiculous it was that people stopped a whole car-length behind other cars at the intersection or how they would stop several feet before the intersection line--she turned that into a story so funny I nearly cried). She and I would laugh the day away. There was always something to talk about, something to laugh about, something to smile about.

She gave the best stories. She could turn a generic story about running to the store to get some milk into a laugh-fest, adding details of humorous things only she had the knack to pick up on. 

She once told me the story about her older sister's worthless boyfriend, how he treated her sister terribly and somehow, she found a way to get us all laughing in the end. Every story had humor.

After finding of her passing I cried. Tears would fill my eyes and before I had enough in them to make them cascade down my face, I would instantly be reminded of a funny story or experience that had her in it. My tears of sadness turned into tears of laughter. And this carried on to the next day. 

I wished that for just a few minutes, that would be allowed to mourn, to let it all out, to cry it away.

And then I got a very distinct impression. I felt it was my friend giving me these funny memories, these moments we shared with loud laughter. I then understood that my friend was telling me that she didn't want to be remembered through tears of sorrow, but through the good times, through the humor. 

And once I embraced that, I decided that I would honor that request.

I firmly believe that just because someone dies it does not mean that they are forever no longer in existence. Just because my friend is not here, inside her physical body, she still lives! She's still here! 

A couple times I heard her laughter during these past few days. No one has the laughter she does. Hers is unique. It's loud, heartfelt, popping, and contagious.

I hope to hear it more. I hope to view the world more as she did. So much I learned from her in the six years I have known her. How I wish I would have told her before she passed how much of that I have taken with me and how much it has changed me for the better.

I quote her all the time. I wonder if I ever told her that.

I find humor and happiness in all things. She inspired that in me. "Life is too short," I would say, "to be serious". And I see that she was the prime example of my own words.

I found that being a strong, courageous woman is a trait I should never shun from being, something I should never apologize for. Being stubborn too, I have found, is not a trait I should ignore or be embarrassed about. This woman was strong, this woman was stubborn as hell, but all in the name of love and in the name of honoring her children and keeping her family safe. She didn't care what other's thought of her, she knew what was best for her family. And what she was was the best mother and wife that family could have asked for. 

How many times do people come into our lives, touch our lives for the better and we never tell them? Too many times. 

Pam, I hope you're reading this. I hope you know how much I keep you close to my heart. I hope you know that I know you are not far and that I know you have checked in on me, just as you would do with all your friends and family. 

You are the perfect example of loving, mother hen. 

And a life-changing friend. Your work has not ended, but just began. And I know you, you'll dive in head-first protecting, comforting, healing, guiding, all with that unconditional love you have and finding humor in everything to go tell those on the other side. 

If only I could hear those stories. 

God bless you, my friend. And thank you, for blessing my life.