I'm making THESE tonight.

And not once have I heard anything but raves reviews once someone has finished these twice baked potatoes.

Sometimes I wonder if the only reason we get invited to ANYTHING these days is because people will know I'll make these on request so they don't have to.

One day a family invited us over for a BBQ. The husband/father of this family is a professional cook, and has a powerful, intimidating presence and personality; standing over 6 feet tall and weighing well over 400 pounds. His fuse is short and he refuses to take crap from anyone. Most importantly, this man knows his food. And I'm not just saying that because of his title, I've had the food he's cooked and he's a food genius.

It was originally planned that I make potato salad for this BBQ, another delicious side that is derived from a great recipe a good friend gave me.

And that was the plan, according to this chef.

That day I decided I didn't want to make my potato salad, but these twice baked potatoes. I had no doubt this chef would like them as I confidently carried my cookie sheet into his home, full of 16 halves of potatoes, stuffed with everything fattening and cooked to heaven's perfection, and set them gracefully on the table as they glowed so bright I could hear the song of angels.

I take my seat on the couch with the ladies when five minutes later I hear a booming voice from the dining area, "LADEE, THIS ISN'T POTATO SALAD!"

Clearly, he was irritated. I look to meet his gaze and knew he was fighting the urge the strangle me, said the hint of fury in his eyes.

"I know. I--"

"WHERE'S MY POTATO SALAD?"

I felt backed in a corner. At that moment it didn't matter what I said to him. I ruined his meal plan. Which I should've known better considering his love for food. I should've given him a heads up. But that thought never crossed my mind.

His harsh attitude had my mind screaming, "Be happy I made ANYTHING, sweetheart." I didn't care at that moment that he could very well break me in two as easy as I could the BBQ skewers that were being used for dinner, I refused to be talked to like that. But, BUT, I was the guest, and I was at fault for not considering how much a food change could upset this food genius.

I bit my tongue, told myself not to take it personal and said, with a smile:

"I promise, you're gonna like these...better than the potato salad."

Knowing he had no other choice he muttered, "you better be right," loud enough for me to hear, before turning into the kitchen.

Dinner came and went and during clean up I hear, "Oh-mah-gawwwwsh, those twice baked potatoes were the best I've ever had. Is that your recipe, Ladee?"

How I wish I could've seen the grin I had on my face. For my mind played myself pointing at him and yelling, "HA! I TOLD YOU SO!"

But instead I heard myself give a couple chuckles, "heh-heh".

Later that night I was informed that he ate four potato halves. I took home an empty cookie sheet.

I couldn't have been complimented better....even if he didn't apologize for his doubting me.

I have been so far out of the dating loop I am not even going to attempt to admit that I am an expert in it.

But I do feel like I know how one should be treated in a relationship. I have seen time and again relationships that have been on the rocks either lead to a stronger bond, or having both parties go their separate ways.

I am one who likes to look at situations/friendships/relationships, anything that involves two people, from the perspective of both of those people. I observe what makes two people work together like clockwork, or push against each other like grinding gears.

But most importantly, I have learned that between each story where a relationship has failed, there is a fine line called "The Truth".

So when my friend wrote me, a friend I've known for a while, a friend that has confided a lot in me about his dating woes, his insecurities in finding and keeping a relationship, and how it looks like his latest "girlfriend" is following suit in this history of his, I could no longer bite my tongue.

I did something and told no one about it. 

Other than ONE trusted friend, my family that lives with me as they know my every move. And my neighbor, who happened to catch me in the act. But no one else knew.

And now that's it been a while, I decided to share it with you. To come clean, to confess what I've been hiding.

Watch and see what that is.

A few nights ago I had a conversation with a close friend. She told me something:

That I have assessed myself wrong in the personality system I support.

Say what?!

I hear this quite frequently.

I have found that in this system there's a plethora of people that will ask others to assess them. Or they'll talk about the assessment of others. It's a staple to the start of our conversations. We could be talking about each other, our best friends, even celebrities--all about their personality. Sometimes we agree with each other, sometimes we kindly give our (the correct) opinion.

Now I'm one who likes to "figure" people out, like the next person in these groups, especially when I consider you a true puzzle. 

Or, as I call you, a "conundrum".

You know who you are. ;)

But I have come to find that in this group, even if you haven't asked what others would assess you as, they will tell you anyway. 

I have repented. I was guilty of doing this until I made a Blog, Instagram, and Youtube account and have found that a good chunk of my followers love this same personality system...

...and will comment:

"Hey Ladee, what's your personality assessment?"

To which I'll answer.

You can ask me anything, really. I actually like when people ask me questions about my personality. Because I went through hell and back to know exactly what makes me "me". 

But the comments that irk me ever so slightly that I first overlook until they slowly bore within me are:

"Are you sure you're not this personality?" 

Interpreted, as someone with my personality would, as: "Did you know you're totally wrong in your belief of who you are?"

Or, let's go back to my friend and the conversation I mentioned above. I know this friend knows my personality assessment. Like, I KNOW SHE KNOWS. She starts our conversation with the common question of what my assessment is. I respond. She responds back with, "Well, my friend said that your personality is this. And she's really good at this personality system and at knowing other people's personality."

The imperfect me interprets this as: "Hey Ladee, I know you say what your assessment is, but I know someone who just might know better."

I take a breath. I have learned that saying the exact thing that comes to my mind when irritated is better left behind pursed lips.

Especially when I could very well be wrongly judging the nature of the comment given.

"Oh, is she a professional?" I ask.

"No. But she had me and my husband pegged. And all of our friends."

"Oh, so what personality is she?"

"Well, she's not sure what her personality is...."

*CRICKETS*

The filter that was damming my thoughts from being spit out of my mouth broke, "How can she give me an assessment if she can't even assess herself?!"

I realized once I said this, that it was wrong of me. I should know that we are our hardest critics, that sometimes we don't truly know ourselves, that some of us went through a hard life that left us very uncertain as to who this person is looking back at us in the mirror.

That doesn't mean that you can't be knowledgeable in this system.

For that, I apologize. Profusely.

I'm going to answer the common questions or comments that are given to me where people state that I'm wrong in my personality assessment.

1. Facial Profiling: In this system you use facial features to find your personality, including skin color and texture.

Commenters (my most common comment): You have facial symmetry, porcelain skin, and can pull off winged eyeliner.

My Response: It's all makeup tricks. Only a handful of people online have seen a picture of me without makeup on. But my face isn't symmetrical, my skin is sadly the opposite of porcelain, I thank my foundation, powder, and highlighter. And winged eyeliner doesn't look the greatest on me but I like the look so I own it.

2. Energy Levels: This system uses the energy you give off to help find your personality. For instance, the stereotypical teenage cheerleader has a higher energy than Sean Connery. One is more light and bright, the other more secure, subdued, and bold. 

Commenter: You seem perfecting. You seem like you can wear a pair of heels and not worry about comfort.

My Response: I wear my Chucks with everything, except at church because it doesn't match my dresses. And then I only wear my most comfortable heels and boots. The perfecting nature in me is no different than anyone else with my personality, I think. And by golly, I have a very unstructured life so what I'm passionate in, I'm a little bit of a perfectionist! ;)

Commenter: You have a really high energy.

My Response: Thanks. I guess it's been a good day. 

Commenter: You're so random. You never stick to one thing.

My Response: For the most part, you're right. I blame the undiagnosed ADHD. LOL.

3. Colors: In this system it uses different shades, tones, and hues of each color on the color wheel to help you find your personality.

Commenter: You can wear black.

My Response: Actually, I can wear anything I want. But I don't look very good in black. Brown is a much more pleasing color on me but I get rebellious, like in these blog pics today. ;)

Commenter: I bet you look great in light pastels.

My Response: Thanks! But I really don't. They enhance my chiseled features and make them look more masculine. Autumn colors work best for me!

All in all, I honestly believe that those who comment about my personality are doing it with the best intentions. I get frustrated at myself for making any wrong assumptions though. Even if my assumptions are correct, I shouldn't let it bother me. I know who I am. I spent quite some time in the deepest realms of myself, all by myself, and came out with a better understanding of who I am than I ever had.

But I can be a rebel. I don't always follow this personality system's exact guidelines. I could give a few excuses as to why...like, "I'm an adult and I'm tired of following the rules" or "It's just a system and sometimes I wanna dress my mood and dang it, that black striped shirt is looking pretty good today" or "Does it matter what kind of personality I have as long as I'm a good person?"

But most importantly, I appreciate that we have these many personality systems. Though I follow one more than others, I still love them all and love knowing more about them. And while not all personality systems will have the correct assessment of you, it does make understanding others and loving them for who they are much easier. 

And you can't beat that. 

Several times I have heard people say, "If she has a problem with me, why is she telling everyone else when if she would just tell me we could settle it like adults!"

Or:

"So Friend lied and said she was sick today and skipped out on our lunch when in reality I found out she was doing something else. She should've just told me she didn't want to go. I would've understood."

Or (LOL, I'm noticing I'm using "she" in these examples. I'm just going off what I've been hearing, folks, don't go reading into this like I'm blaming anyone.):

"She is just avoiding me and not answering my calls or texts. If she doesn't want to talk to me she should just say so."

I can count maybe two people who have said those things and I have believed them. These two women are women who don't beat around the bush, they don't have time for drama, they are very cut-and-dry as well as take-me-as-I-am women whom I admire and pray every day to be just like.
I should pray harder for that. ;)

But the rest of the people I've heard say that I honestly wonder just how well they would handle someone saying this to them:

"Friend, the way you treated my friend was garbage. I can't believe you could do such a thing. Because of that, I think less of you and will be wary of you from here on out."

Or:

"Friend, I don't want to hang out today, even though we made plans. I would rather spend my time alone, shopping for fabrics. I'm sure you understand, right?"

Or:

"Friend, I'm not up to being chatty with you. I know Other Friend and I are super close and I answer her texts but not yours. It's just that she and I are besties and I don't feel that closeness with you."

Honestly, I can not see how these truths would keep any peace between people. So we create half-truths, bold face lies, or avoidance to protect both parties.

Case in point:
**I hate having to justify myself before telling everyone that I did something I feel to be black-hearted, but I would have it no other way and to be completely frank, I would like to think I'm getting better as a person, although the "better" I get, the less patience I have with drama....go figure. I guess I'll always be a work in progress.

Justification: Since April I've been assigned as President over the children's organization at church. I won't go into all I do. All I can say is that I came into this position feeling like I stepped into a world of foreign languages and here I had to not only know it all, but to lead it all with a great big smile on my face. Along with this position is my having to force myself to be more social than I like. I know that sounds silly as I'm a Type 3 and being social comes naturally to me. But being forced to be social puts me on a faster burnout than burning out on my own.

Needless to say, I have put my phone on silent for hours DAILY, refused to answer calls, ignored texts, overlooked emails, and avoided fellow churchgoers like Ebola when I see them outside of the church building. And when I do have meetings, I'm feeling like I'm halfway Ladee as my energy is low and my lights dim. My smile is fake, my laughter is forced, I ignore the people around me, I'm just a big, faker.

And. I. hate. it. It's not who I am. But when you're running on "E", you're never your true self.

I know I need to find a happy balance between recharging and giving this position 100% but until then, I'm trudging through. No worries. It's all part of the refiner's fire. I'm not complaining, just stating fact. I accepted this position and knew this would be my future for a while.

Well, I have a friend who loves to chat. And has wanted to chat nonstop for several days.
Lately, I have been avoiding her texts but keep feeling that "pull" like my friend is waiting on the other end (y'all know what I'm talking about?). It's a pull that drives me insane until I respond. But responding is a double-edged sword because if I respond, well, you know what happens next.

She texts again within minutes. With animation! With emoticons! She texts questions. She wants lengthy answers to match her lengthy comments.

And I continue this cycle of avoidance/attention, to where it is beginning to take over my priorities.

This friend is one of those friends who has told me the lines I wrote above. She likes honesty. Or so she says. She also knows I'm feeling a tad buried and finding my bearings. But she also likes my time too, which I love to give, but right here, right now, I just can't give that. And if I want to keep this friendship with her, I have to be honest. Call it a boundary, but I need space. Just for a little while.

I finally wrote this evening with, "I'm sorry I haven't been feeling up to texting. I'm feeling overwhelmed and therefore, antisocial. I promise, it is not you."

I could swear I felt storm clouds directed at me and a sea of unhappy angels informing me I was a bad friend.

My chatty friend responds with four, simple words: "It's fine, I understand."

The one problem with texting is that you can't see or hear the person who is talking. And without the blasted use of emoticons, we are all left to guess.
But I know I get vibes from texts. And this text came to me with a heaviness (on top of the storm clouds). The words appeared to me with depth, as though they were sunken into my screen, a deep grey, and holding a fresh coat of pain.

I wrote back and apologized, something I shouldn't have done, as I'm backtracking (thanks, The Crazy) but now I'm feeling bad. I ask if she's ok. Again, something I shouldn't've done but...

And she doesn't respond. I know she read the text. She carries her phone with her as often as she carries her left foot.

A similar incident with her a month or so ago, when I tried to put some space between us for my sake, had her texting me with this:
"I didn't know I was overwhelming you. I will give you the space that you need. I won't text you until you text me first."
My instinctual nature has me rolling my eyes while The Crazy comes barreling in, feeling upset for noticing Friend twisting my words in such a way that I'm left to feel blame for her feelings.

But in the mean time I have to sit and wonder why in the world I am feeling guilted for being honest. The Type 3 in me honestly does not care as I am following what my body needs. I need time to be away. I need time to recharge.

But the concerned Type 2 in me keeps rearing her head and making me wonder if I've killed the friendship this time, because The Crazy makes brash assumptions like a boss.

**I do have to say that I contradict myself. I have times when I'm feeling terribly antisocial and therefore will go on facebook and will chat with my wonderful friends in the personality groups I follow. Somehow that heals me. Sometimes getting away from the world you're encompassed in for a couple hours helps you see your world from the outside.
But how can I say that to this friend who wants honesty but will more than likely see that I'm on facebook, "liking" and responding to mine and other's posts during my desire to be antisocial?

And also, I have two friends that have an incredible gift of getting me out of my funk. How must I explain that to her, when she talks with these friends and hears that during my time of being overwhelmed, that I was turning to them?

This is why we are so often lying, dancing around the truth, and avoiding.

People say, "If they can't accept you and what you're telling them, then they aren't your friends."
But if you were to put yourself in their shoes, would YOU be able to understand? Maybe they're more understanding than you are. Maybe they've had a rotten day and your words broke them. Maybe you would take the truth far harsher than your friend did.

I guess I don't really have an ending to this post as I have at times lied, given half-truths, avoided, and told the truth, mostly with the same response: a negative reaction.

I'll sum it up with this:
If you say you can take the truth, you better be prepared to take it when it's given. And if you can't take it when it's given, you better have a legit excuse of your own.

Shaming someone or guilt tripping them for believing they could be honest with you puts you in poor light, my friend, and now, you won't be so readily trusted.

**The Crazy talkin'

My friend moved here to the great state of Texas many, many moons ago. A few weeks later she asked a bunch of us ladies a somewhat personal question and then said, "Remember, this is a judgement-free zone". I remember looking around at my friends with a relief, for this new gal removed the pressure to try to act perfect, or to attempt to give the perfect answer to her question, when she knew that we all knew that we weren't. 

I knew that this was a gal that I was going to like.

I have realized something lately. That the older I get, the more I find how imperfect I am and while I come to God with these imperfections, and state every last one of them to Him, even though I'm clearly aware that He already knows, the more I embrace my flaws, my "sins", my imperfections, my "mess ups"; the more I embrace other people who are in such diverse, different worlds than mine. And the more I don't give a damn as to what their "sins" are when they confess one or two to me.

(source, thank you!)

I was once told that when you come to love yourself, you will find it much easier to love others.

And after I heard that, I heard it several more times. 

Until I finally understood it. Now I don't hear it anymore.

I'm not saying that I completely love myself, or that I'm sin-free (ha--that's a laugh). I understand that the natural man is prone to sin. Regardless of what degree of "sin" that it is. And just because we are prone to sin does not justify the act of sinning. It helps us see that we can be downright stupid at times and that we can understand that and be forgiven if we wholeheartedly promise to try our best to never do it again.

Sin = enter your own definition.

I will not be telling you what I believe is right or wrong, or what is or isn't a sin. As I'm no judge. I'm just a person trying to do the best I can and trying to be as Christlike as I can. Drinking beer, for me, is a sin. But I don't believe that it's labeled a sin for everyone (and I will never judge you for doing it. Ever). 

See what I mean? So interpret the word "sin" as you will.

I also know too that if we were to lay our "sins" out on the table for all to see that by the end of this experiment we would all end up friendless. Because we would one, be ashamed of ourselves; and two, be disgusted with our neighbor.

The only people who needs to know our struggles, our imperfections, is the One who atoned for them and the One who sent His Son to atone for them. 

But sometimes, our imperfections come out.

Sometimes they are harder to hide than others. 

And yet people point the finger of blame because while they may be stronger than OUR sin/s, they have a closet ransacked with their own they are trying to ignore. And putting emphasis on our problems helps them, for a brief moment, forget theirs. 

Why do we do this?

Why do we find joy in other's pain?

And why do we hide our own pain?

Do we not understand that when we place so much energy into hiding our imperfections that we are actually doing more bad than embracing them and freeing them from within our soul? When we embrace them and free them, the likelihood of them returning is slim to none! Because they no longer have power over us to attract them back into our lives!

If we put as much energy into the great things about us and not so much into hiding the "bad", or what people may have had you thinking is "bad", how much more fulfilled do you think life would be?

When you lay down at night, do you honestly think your Maker wants you hating yourself for your imperfections? YOUR MAKER. Think of a person you love the most. More than anyone else. How would you feel if you knew he/she spent the quiet hours of their life shaming themselves, when you want nothing more than for them to see themselves through YOUR eyes?

How do you think God feels when he sees us doing this? 

You know he made every last part of you, including your strengths and weaknesses. You are His work of art. His masterpiece. Yes, YOU are a masterpiece!

Look, God knows we aren't perfect. God knows we have moments of weakness, or moments when we act heartless without thinking. He understands. He wants us to come to Him and say, "I know I did wrong, help me?" and promise to honestly TRY to make ourselves better.

Just the other day I did something heartless. I was at the store, looking for an item that I couldn't find and someone came up to me and said, "Hi, how are you?" To which I responded quietly, "I'm good, thanks". I said it kindly, not warmly as I was in concentration mode and didn't want to be bothered. This person walks off, comes back up to me and says again, "Hi, how are you?" To which I say louder and curtly while burning my eyes into theirs to make sure they're hearing me, "I'm GOOD, THANKS." 

I would have been better off saying, "Will you just shut up and leave me alone?" by the look on this person's face. I had clearly upset this person. Their eyes saddened. Their demeanor fizzled. I could swear I saw this person's heart breaking before me. And I, irritatingly walked away. Only to feel piss poor afterwards. I hoped to run into the person again to apologize, but couldn't find them. 

"I'm a bword." I vented to myself. "It's freakin' 7:30 in the morning and I probably ruined their whole day. What kind of person am I? How dare I act that way? I am an advocate of cheering people up, brightening their day, giving warm smiles and kind words. And I did none. of. that. Ladee, you are a loser."

While that may be a mere "sin", I was sorry. Deeply sorry. And I prayed hard for forgiveness. 

But what if I were to hold onto that "sin"? What would happen? I can only imagine myself forcefully trying to be overly nice to everyone, even at the expense of my energy, so I would never let anyone believe that I'm a mean-ol' woman. I would spend the dark hours of night in anxiety, thinking about how I affected that person's day...when I may not have affected it as bad as I assumed I did. The look on that person's face I still see vividly, but I know it would only haunt me in greater detail. I could very well try to hide from anyone at the store so that I don't accidentally do it again and potentially be even meaner...as all my energy is being spent on hiding how mean I am.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: We all sin. Don't act like you don't and that you're perfect enough to cast stones at your neighbor because their weaknesses are different than yours. What if the tables were turned and your neighbor knew your secrets? Would you want them casting their stones of perfection at you because they don't sin like you do?

I didn't think so.

Also, don't hold on to your sins. There was a Man that came to this Earth to atone for them! He paved a way that you could give Him your sins and to explain to Him all your weaknesses, and through His love He'll make everything better! As long as you are TRYING, He is fighting with you, easing your burdens, removing your guilt. Making you stronger.

That's it: TRY. 

TRY not to sin. TRY to love yourself. And you'll find that loving other's regardless of the way they live easier and more rewarding than you could ever imagine. 

All we need is love. Love is the strongest, most powerful gift you can give anyone. It heals, it brings understanding, it changes lives.

Love, don't judge. That's all that's asked of us anyways, right?