Is it odd that I don't want this year to end?

2015 and 2016 I was ready to burn down in mania and enter the new year. Those years were rough.

2017 was too. But it's been the most wonderful learning exprience. I've learned more this year about me, about my gifts, about Christ, about God's power, about love and serving others than I have in my last ten years combined. I worry letting this year go before embarking into the great unknown (2018) may be finding me with another downer year like 2015 or 2016.

But I'm hopeful.

I don't have any new year's resolutions. Usually in December I assess how I'm doing and whether or not I feel I need to ring in the new year with a desire to change some aspect of me or my life.

But this year blew by so fast I never had the time to be so reflective...and I feel that's my cue to enter the new year with an open heart and open mind and what will be, will be.

One small change I've made (because lawd knows I could write a novel about all the changes) is that I don't think I'm going to be so public about this blog, as in linking it on my social media (except G+, for now); neither updating friends when I post something new. If you find this and read it, welcome, and I hope you stay. I hope you like what I write.

I have been feeling pressed to talk about the things on my mind and the emotions I carry within my heart, but I've decided that who finds it and reads it are the ones who need to, or should...not I trying to project my thoughts and feelings on others and await a response in return.

I have realized while my advice may be decent, that sometimes it isn't the best for the person I'm giving it to. And that's ok. Everyone's path is different and the best advice for my life will not always be the best advice for someone else.

(It's also frustrating to give advice and watch the person do the absolute opposite.)

So instead I'll go within and speak quietly what lies there, what burrows beneath the surface that I show the world...and write about it here where it's public, but safe at the same time.

Most people seem to find my blog from my "Why I'm No Longer the Type Three Woman" post. But rarely does anyone care to read what else I've written or especially what I recently post about. And I find comfort in that...oddly.

I often think about this blog and yearn to write in it. But grow in anxiety over feeling like I must share what I write. But I remind myself that in writing and in keeping a blog, there are no rules. Who says I have to blast my writings as far as my social media will reach only to chew my nails over the possible reaction of the friends/family reading it?

I hope to enter the new year (ok, wait, maybe this is a new year's resolution?) to write more musings on a regular basis. But there are no guarantees. To do so would be to have a quiet moment in my day where the madness in my mind is far away, where I don't have people needing my attention, where I don't have my mental list of daily things haunting me. While I'm reflective quite a bit, taking the time to write my reflections down can be mentally draining and time consuming.

But I'm hopeful. :)

I miss my kiddos being little.

Every time I see a picture of them as a baby or a toddler, I find myself fighting the sobs. Nevertheless, water will fill my eyes.

My kids will ask why I get emotional when I see these pictures.

I will say, "I cry because it makes me wish I could go back in time and hold you all, snuggle with you all real tight one last time...you have grown up so fast. I miss your littleness."

And while that is true...it's not the full truth.

What I really mean is:

I cry because it makes me wish I could go back and in time and first hold myself, tell myself to quit beating myself up over the fact that I felt like a terrible mother, an ugly wife, a miserable friend, a confused child of God due to an unknown anxiety that plagued me so fiercely I could barely function, on top of the wrong medication I was taking that had me a zombie.

Then I would hold my kids, hold them so tight; savoring the moment, a moment I felt too overwhelmed to take the time to do, and tell them just how precious they are to me and how proud I am of the people they have become and how everyday I feel honored to know I have the privilege of being their mom. 

I cry because these are all things I wish I could do, now that I'm outside of that old world, now that I have a different mindset. Now that I'm pain-free, anxiety-free and depression-free.

I'm showing you these pictures not because I feel that being overweight will make you miserable. I have full confidence that if I were leading a better life at this weight, I would have been truly happy, confident, and felt sexy in my own skin. Weight is a number....and no matter the number, it won't bring you any form of happiness, confidence, and feeling of beauty if you aren't doing all that you can not only for your body, but for the growth of your mind, heart, and soul.

Even at my lowest weight in life, I was unhappy and felt good for nothing.

But I cry because I remember how much I hated what I saw in the mirror. I hated that no matter how I did my hair or how I did my makeup, that it was all a bandaid to how miserable I was, forgetting that it was my heart and mind that needed help, not my looks.

I cry because I woke up depressed, every day, counting down the hours until the kids' bedtime just so I could stay up to a ridiculous hour, binge watching TV while binge eating until guilt had me finally crawling in bed, knowing that my day would start in just a few hours.

I cry because I didn't know that it was ok to say to those around you, "I need a break. I need your help. I need you to help me."

I cry because I didn't know that to love myself was what God not only wanted for me but wants for all of us and that to love yourself does not mean you'll become arrogant, vain, prideful.

I cry because I was so confused with how the path I felt I should continue on made me feel repressed and of little value, but was told may have some great reward in the end--if I make it and IF that's even true.

I cry because I felt I was measured best by living in a mold that didn't honor me.

And that I had no value if I didn't endure to the end in this mold.

I cry because I lost friends as I didn't understand how to show unconditional love. 

Because to love someone as they are, with no exceptions, was scary.

I cry because I tried fitting others into a mold which only showed them that I loved conditionally.

Finally, I cry because this mindset was of a person attempting to raise three kids, to teach them how to be the best little humans this planet needs; to love others as God loves them...and yet, I didn't even have the basics within me to stop and love them like I feel I should've.

But then, I stumble across photos like this:

 (July 2007)

And I'm reminded of God's tender mercies. How He helps us where we lack, how He takes control when we feel we can do no more. How He understands our mindset, and also our heart. How He sees that many of us are just doing the best we can, with what we know and with what we have.

And, in looking at my kiddos today, and in looking back on these past few years of finding my truth, and in turn, knowing how best to be present for my kiddos and to teach them the things of importance, I feel quite blessed.

I want to say, or shout if it helps, the importance of taking time for yourself. 

The importance of finding something that will help you know who you are.

The importance of turning inward and knowing the soul God created that resides in you.

The importance of not allowing fear to control your actions, or worse, to allow it to control how you live your life.

I can finally say that I'm happy. Truly happy.

And that every day is a gift.

I got to where I am at now through the pure grace of God.

I dunno if I ever cried to Him for help during those years, 

but He sure found it necessary to help me.

And He knew exactly how.

Through specific people that I have no doubt He put on my path.

And because of them, I cry.

And because of them, I had the courage to try.

To dare.

To be willing to put Him first, above all else.

And to be willing to dare to try what He tells me to do...regardless of how anyone will perceive it.

I'd be lying if I said it was easy. It has been hard as hell at times. It has been hard to break poor conditions, degrading mindsets,  manipulative relationships, learning to say no, learning the importance of putting myself first, learning to cut people from your life who strive to hold you back, learning that some people only love you to an extent and the after that, push you away...

...just like I used to do.

And with each sunset, my heart cries (if I don't openly). 

Because I was given another chance to see life how God wants all His children to.

I had no idea there was such a thing as a "truth seeker". It kinda stinks how many times I've gone through something, thinking I was utterly alone in this process or journey and come to find that many have been there, done that, and have a whole slew of helpful advice to give.

I often wonder if part of God's plan is for me to feel completely alone so I know to lean on Him instead of a person. While leaning on people is more tangible and many times my answers are given to me sooner, I've found that not always am I comfortable with the answers from a person, even if they make the most sense or if I later on, down the road, follow that advice given. I have found that fully trusting my Lord and Savior and listening to God for what is best in my life, that the answers and guidance I am given are of His perfect timing for me. I do understand that I may lean on friends and family for answers and they may have the right ones, ones that I need to store away within my mind and heart to resurface when God feels I am ready to embrace them.

I used to think it was so easy to just do what I was told. For in doing what I was told, I didn't have to think about whether it was right or wrong nor did I have to worry about the consequences because there shouldn't be any if I'm being a good girl. And if there were consequences then surely they wouldn't be mine to bear, but the person who told me to do them had to carry it. It seemed like the perfect way to live.

In shrinking myself to fit into a mold that worked for my life as well as didn't bother those around me, I found I didn't grow at all, but only regressed. During years where I should've known myself better and should've flourished, I became less and less certain as to who I was.

"I'm a daughter of God," I would tell myself. "That is enough."

And I hoped I was right.

But in time those words became meaningless. I'm a daughter of God...of a being that I didn't even know existed other than the fact that people told me He did. I figured there had to be a God as I've witnessed many miracles, been saved from self starvation, mutilation, sleep deprivation and my suicidal thoughts.

Yet, I still didn't know Him. I felt like He was some being behind a curtain; anonymous. I couldn't understand that I could believe in His power while not even sure I knew who He was. I was taught to fear Him. And while people can give a clearer definition of what it means to "fear God", I literally feared His power; feared that any wrong move could have me losing my salvation, that that seat in heaven that had my name on it, would be empty and on display for all to see....all because I didn't choose to do what I was told.

I figured him being anonymous and behind a curtain must've meant I was doing ok (ya know, the whole "no news is good news" mindset) and was far better than going to hell with his wrath like an elevator of fire, taking me there.

It bothered me when I would try to think outside the box that this mold placed me in, that I got a raised brow, a concerned look, or a lecture on why I must stay within his box, within this mold, because this is what keeps me safe.

And, from what I sadly realized, all the urging to remain in this mold was led by nothing but fear. Fear from the most well-intended, loving people...if not from myself.

I've heard people ask what we would do if we had no fear. I'd hear people answer, "I'd finally go skydiving!" or "I'd stand up to the person that held me down all these years!" I'd find my mind running to the freedom of knowing my own truth, without anything to hold me back. I'd consider the liberation it would feel to know my own path, my own knowledge of this life, to finally feel like I'm not a walking Picasso painting. For while this mold I held myself in "worked", my truth wanted to shine through and because I would suppress myself, I became plagued with crippling anxiety.

I remember telling my husband nine years ago, "I feel like a walking germ...I feel like my insides are filthy and that people are going to sense and feel that filth and that it's gonna rub off of them!" Sitting close to someone was agony. I would cry inside, "I just showered! My hair and makeup is done! My clothes are neat and modest! Why do I feel so damn dirty! People must be seeing all this filth! Why must this person sit by me, knowing I'm so gross?"

Hindsight is a beautiful, yet tragic thing, right? Why must we have hindsight to learn? Why can't we know all the answers in the moment?

One of my favorite quotes is, "Life if understood backwards but must be lived forwards."

.....why is that my favorite quote? Because it's freakin' true. God rarely tells me anything in the exact moment it happens or in my forward thinking. Not once have I heard God say, "Hey, you may wanna grab an extra gallon of milk because your friend Tami is going to need it in a few days when her husband is out of town, her car is broken down, and she's got two sick kids." No, it's usually comes in the form of, "Oh, you may be out of milk, why don't you buy an extra gallon, just in case...and look, milk is on sale this week, whaddya know?" And so even though I come home to find that I was wrong, that I indeed have more milk than I need, it was still the segue to getting my friend that milk and His answering her prayers.

But anyways...back to hindsight and the wonderful/terrible thing that it is:

In hindsight I understand now the reason I literally felt like a Picasso painting on top of a walking pigpen. My mold was no longer (if it ever was) honoring me. I fought hard to be in this mold. But the true heart and soul of me was fighting to come out too.

But that fear.

Fear is so real. I didn't know what would happen if I stepped out of this mold while searching to know who I was. "I am a daughter of God. That is enough," would be the foundation I was hoping that I stood on as I slowly stepped out. I felt like the child who had the floaties removed from their arms before being placed in the water to swim. I felt at times like I had nothing to grab on to and worried that I was going to sink (sink into the depths of hell--my salvation was on the line, remember?) and when that became too scary, I ran back into the mold which began to be too small for me.

Just as we try to stretch out those darn jeans the moment they come out of dryer and many times we're successful it making them work, my mold was the same way, until I realized my spirit, heart and soul had become too big to fit into it anymore.

Now I must tread water, with nothing to hold on to when things get tough.

And times did. Moments were confusing. Situations became unbearable. Where must I go and who am I? What are these new emotions that I'm feeling? Who is going to give me the answers I need?

And then I heard Him. And He reminded me:

"I am a daughter of God. That is enough."

Yes! That's it. I am going to be a true daughter of my God. I'm going to give Him my life, my heart and soul, and let Him make my mold and let Him be the box that I think within.

Suddenly this anonymous Being behind the curtain came forward. Suddenly this Being came nearer to me as I drew nearer to Him. Suddenly He was giving me answers to questions and calming the confusions within me and turning them into clarity. This Being had become my anchor, my strength, my life, my companion, and we are a team.

In all relationships there is a give and take. And usually with a great relationship you don't tally that give and take as it's a constant flow of both.

I feel I take much from God. I feel He tells/shows me much and I just soak it in, trying to do my best to keep up and do what He would have me do. Many times I feel as though my giving to Him pales in comparison to how much He gives me. And during one quiet moment of reflection, when I thought about how much God gives me and how much I give back and how unequal it is, He whispered something to me and it made perfect sense...and to sum up what he said is found in this image I fell upon, a few days later:

(source: unknown, but thank you for creating it)

A true relationship is built on love. What God wants is that we are in a committed relationship to Him so He can give you that commitment back. I promise you that He will never have you doing anything that is not true within you. He knows your level of comfort and He knows your heart. You must trust Him in that.

Remember too, He hears you and will follow your lead, it's not all Him doing and you following! He will trust you! He will answer you and give you what you ask if your heart is in the right place. This should be a true relationship, a team. You work alongside each other. It's unconditional give and take, push and pull; a perfect balance.

You must trust that He's going to guide you down paths that are seemingly lonely. But you'll never be alone. You must trust that when someone tells you a "truth" and your gut churns, that it's not your truth to keep, that it's not the truth He wants you to own. And He especially doesn't want you to force it as your truth because it's either not or it's not the right time for it to be your truth. Remember, His timing is perfect and there's no bus to catch, so quit feeling like you have fallen behind when comparing yourself to others.

I read a quote about how nature is never rushed. I think about the two walnut trees in my front yard that I frankly wish weren't there (let's get real here, fall time sucks around here with all the yard work these leaves/acorns have us doing). The one on the right loses it's leaves and acorns first and then a few weeks later, the left one joins in. Same for the Spring, the right one produces leaves far before the left. And yet, they're still a part of mother nature and they're still within their season.

I think about how much God doesn't want to rush us. How much free agency we truly do have, especially when we choose to follow Him, and give Him our heart. He made us and therefore knows our speed with growth, and knows what best suits our life.

I have often wondered if what God truly wants is for us to give Him our heart. If everything in this universe is created by Him and everything falls under the direction of Him....of all His creations, He gave us CHOICE....

What if all He wants is our decision to follow Him (*our heart*)? And not man?

It sounds so oppressive to say that I'm only going to follow God when it's been quite the contrary. I've never been happier. I've never felt more free. I see God as a loving parent, sitting back and watching His child dance and twirl around in front of Him, laughing and smiling. I see Him as this parent that lets this child dance to their heart's content, not choreographing their next move to make it "better", but allowing them full self expression in this moment, and loving them all the more for it.

God wrote us, created us, built us with a perfect mind and perfect hands. He wants you to be true to yourself. He wants you to find that truth with Him. He wants to help you discover the masterpiece He made you to be.

Maybe *this* is true salvation.

*************************

Here's a couple posts that I would like to share about Truth Seekers. Please read them both if you have the time. LOL, OK, I'm a hypocrite because I just scanned these pages. Whoops. Scan them if you have the time then! ;)

And I hope that if you are seeking your own truth, that you know that you're not alone and that if I can't help you, I pray the links below can.

https://100fold.wordpress.com/2010/12/29/characteristics-of-a-truth-seeker-part-1/
https://100fold.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/characteristics-of-a-truth-seeker-part-2/

Christmas hasn't even started but I am certain that doesn't matter for I know in a blink this year will be over. So why not say goodbye to it now?

I have remained quiet on this blog lately, not talking much about what's been going on with me as I feel that all I talk about is how much I've grown while another part of me wants to savor it and truly embrace this time in my life. Will this season end? Is this only the beginning? I wish I knew but if this is a season that will come to an end, I want to breathe it all in.

(I shall title this picture "Reflection" LOL)

I dunno, maybe it's because I feel like all this spiritual talk gets boring to you, my readers.... A friend recently said to me, "I worry that I talk too much about my mother's death that I'm becoming a bother and that people are assuming I have nothing else to talk about," when I have hardly noticed that at all in our conversations. I understand that her mother's death has been weighing a lot on her mind and soul, not to mention that many changes that have been made in her life have been from this death or a reflection from it.

But I understand what she means because that's exactly what I have been worrying about; that my posts are becoming nothing but yawn-fests.

This year, to put it simply, has been a year of "downloading". I often wonder if this year wasn't so much busy as it was my mind processing all that I have felt my Heavenly Father teach me. I have mentioned in a couple videos on my YouTube channel how I felt like the Summer had been robbed of me. That during those three months I wanted the stereotypical "Summer break" when instead it was packed with things unplanned and unexpected, to do at a moment's notice. I felt like the Summer came and went all in the course of a few days and before I knew it, I was at "Meet the Teacher" and then taking my kids to their new class, coming back home to an empty house and wondering what in the world happened to those three months that has me not mentally in the new school year.

I felt like I was learning at an incredible speed and didn't understand how those around me weren't, or seemingly weren't. I was finding new insights and inspirations on life and the meaning of it...with no way to bring it up to my friends in a conversation...which turned out to be a blessing as conversations with friends help divert me from the constant mind running as well as bring me back down to earth.

Several years ago I worried that I wasn't focused enough to learn. I thought maybe I placed so much stress on myself that something went wrong; how my brain would just shut off when I would try to study/read. I feared I was having a mental breakdown of sorts.

I've realized that my lack of focus wasn't due to the fact that I wasn't smart, or that I had issues with learning....it was because I wasn't to learn what I was attempting to cram into my brain. All this information, as interesting as I thought it was, wasn't what God wanted me to be studying. There was nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with what I thought I was to learn or study, but it was the wrong information for what my mind and soul were searching for.

While this year hasn't been bad, it's by far a better year than 2015, I'm ready to say goodbye to it, even though I hate wishing life away like this. I guess my hope for 2017 is a year-long vacation...haha, which I know won't happen. In my two dimensional thinking I keep hoping that as soon as January 1, 2017 rings in that suddenly the constant mental-chaos-turned-clarity will cease and I'll hear nothing but crickets and then bask in the sound of silence.

I can dream, can't I?

And while I feel like I've done nothing but run since January of this year, I've never been happier. Life hasn't felt more clear and while my mind is constantly "downloading" more and more information that I know God and his angels are sharing with me, I've never felt this much strength, this much love and companionship, this much control, and this much confidence in every waking day of my life. I find myself stopping to admire smallest bits of beauty in this world. Every sunrise and sunset seems to catch my breath these days. You'd think during a time when my mind is constantly thinking, constantly processing, constantly asking God more questions and listening for answers, that I wouldn't see the tender mercies of our Lord and Savior, the beauty of a robin hopping on fallen Autumn leaves, a person saying a kind word to a stranger. And yet, the Lord sees that I do.

How I feel like this world has become new. I look around and feel like I have been given a second chance to see His creations with different eyes and fresh perspective. And I have loved every minute of it....even though life won't slow down. :)



P.S.While writing this post, my brother sent me this video. How much Jim Carey's words and beliefs resonate strongly within me and within the truths I feel God has shown me.

(I saved this years ago, so I do not have the source to this image. If you know the source, please comment below so I may correct this. Thank you!)

Valentine's Day is coming.

And while I should be brainstorming more about what to do for my Valentine's Outfit Of The Day, I instead have something else on my mind.

Love.

Which you'd think, "Duh, Ladee, of course you're thinking about love with Valentine's Day coming up."

And actually no, it's not because of that.

LOVE has literally been on my mind a lot lately.

This past year I've been thinking a lot about me (ha, I sound arrogant) and about how much I want to be the best person I can be. And in my journey of forever betterment, or whatever you may call it as while I know that I am a work in progress, I am certain that I'll never always have it right or be perfect, I've been listening to how I talk to others, watch how I treat others as well as how they talk and treat me.

And I do have to say that I look back with a lot of shame.

How could I so easily love someone, or give someone the benefit of the doubt and then lose all that within an instant when I hear of a secret of theirs or hear that they no longer attend church/stop believing in God or that they choose to do anything against my moral code?

What good am I doing by suddenly seeing them in a different light, therefore choosing to forgo that "benefit of a doubt" that I only hope others would give me?

I felt it was drilled within me to "love one another" and to be like Christ, who loves everyone, only to be whiplashed with how I should be careful of those I allow as friends, for their influences could affect me.

I literally felt the only friends that I was to have were not those that had the same "standards" as mine, but only those who attended the same church as mine.

Every one else, all those other potential friends that I could have had, I was just to be kind to, but keep at a distance.

And I look back on my life, wishing I had been more accepting of others.

I have a good friend who left my church.
Her mother told her, "I would've rather heard you died than leave the church."
Her father emails her with quotes upon quotes, wronging her reasons for leaving.
Friend number one pulled me aside one day and said, "I don't know how to act around her now."
Friend number two said, "I was told that I should lose contact with her."
Many friends talk about her as though her salvation is lost.
And many of those friends don't talk to her anymore.
But when I asked my friend how she feels about everything, she gave me a genuine smile and said, "Ladee, I am at peace."

And I felt peace too. Because how can I argue that? Argue the fact that she's at peace with life? Who am I to say she's not? Who am I to say that she is now unworthy of love and friendship because she made a decision she felt within her was the right one?

If we feel inner peace with that we're doing in life, how can that be wrong?

While this has been a slow transition for me, to love one another as they are, starting around the age of high school, I woke up one day just tired of judging on the whole. I got tired of thinking someone should be loved to a certain degree more or less than someone else because of the way they choose to live their life.

I'm not saying that I'm completely judge-free. I still have my times when I make assumptions of people and for the most part, any negative assumption I have generally ends up to be a wrong one, which only reminds me that I'm a fool and need to leave the judging and the assumptions to God, for heaven's sake (pun intended).

Why are we so selective in the love we give?

People act like love is some finite resource. Like it's gonna get all used up so we must use it wisely.

I understand how loving someone, only to have them stab you in the back (or to not reciprocate it), sucks. I understand the blow that is, I understand how hard it is to sleep with that knowledge and knowing that person won't be there tomorrow or worse, knowing you must cut those ties tomorrow. I understand how it feels to know you gave love throughout a period of time, wondering if that person was deserving of it and if they truly loved you back.

I understand too how that can have us putting love on hold for others. Or keeping them at a distance to protect a resource within us that we cherish so much; a part of ourselves we may never get back.

But why can't we give some love and care to everyone? Why must our hearts run cold until someone comes along to warm it? Why must we look on the outside or look at the faults FIRST before assessing whether someone is worthy to be loved or even accepted?

When I decided to believe that love is an infinite resource, I found myself with more love to give. And I found myself making far less negative assumptions.

As it says in 1 Thessalonians 3, when given instruction on how to better one's lacking faith:

11. Now God himself and our Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ direct our way unto you.
12. And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward ALL MEN, even as WE DO TOWARD YOU.
13. To the end he may stablish your hearts unblameable in holiness before God, even our Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, with all the saints.

I feel that if we are commanded to love one another and that being it, no asterisk next to this verse, no "if, and, or but" afterwards then shouldn't we do just that: to love one another and to give them that part of your time and even a small part of your heart?

I started this blog years ago, hoping that I could word vomit everything that I'm feeling and what's going on in my life and in the lives of my friends so that I could back up why I feel this way and what honestly started this post.

I guess what has me hurt the most and has me writing this post is because I know far too many people, myself included, who feel they can't be truly honest with those around them because they feel that those they cherish the most will see them differently and therefore remove their love from them and create a wall of separation because, "it's you that's changed".

I hate that I can only tell a few people what lies within the deepest realms of my heart or be most authentically me because they're "safe" when I could easily be this way with a stranger and spill my guts to them and they wouldn't see me any different than any other person. How is it at all logical to trust a stranger more than to trust a family member with what's burdening you? I've wondered how many times I've told my children they could tell me anything, but my actions have had them second-guessing that and therefore, they don't?

I want to change that. I want my kids to know that the safest person they can trust, is ME. I want my kids to know that any question or concern or worry or fear or anything can be held safe within me and that they'll know I'll still LOVE THEM.

And the parent in me thinks that maybe that's where this all should start: within the home. For if we show those around us how it is to love and to give the benefit of the doubt, then maybe, just maybe, that Christlike example will be etched within our hearts and will come naturally to those who are outside the home.

I got new jammies!

Every Christmas Eve each member of the family gets new jammies.

It would be a shame to have gone this whole year, with my new obsession of plaid, and not make sure that the theme of our family's pajamas is PLAID.

I love how my family opened presents with their new jammies and instead of groveling over a pattern that they've certainly seen too much of, said, "These are so cool!"

Christmas was the day that I planned on staying in my jam-jams all day long. But that didn't happen. 

Instead I planned it for today. 

Monday.

I think all Mondays should be jammie wearing day, IMHO.

It's the 28th of December and while I'm sure someone's partying somewhere, it's a sure boring day over here.

I've been asked "What can I do? Who can I play with?" four times today. Just now I was asked, "Can you see if so-and-so can play tomorrow?"

Apparently the new presents Santa provided aren't near as fun to play with when the weather went through a forty degree drop overnight.

Ok, first off, last week's weather was freakin' AMAZING.

I swear this was an answer to my last three years' prayers. My gym friend and I have loathed the cold weather and every morning would shiver our tails off while waiting for those blasted gym doors to open. I feel like our cries were finally heard.

Global warming? BRING IT. It sure makes for a better workout anyway! ;)

......................................................................................................

Annnnnnnnywayyyyyys.

To get to the brunt of this post:

I realized that my last blog post may have come off like I was complaining.

Or depressed.

Or anxious.

Or tired.

Or any emotion other than happy.

"It does sound like a bummer post, doesn't it?" I asked Mr Hunter last night, while reading through it one last time.

Mr Hunter shrugged and smiled, saying, "I thought it was very sweet what you said about me though."

I want you all to know that I'm doing so well right now.

The first of the year wasn't too bad. 

And then as the year progressed, it became less enjoyable and more life learning.

I'm still considering writing another post about all I learned so I'll skip to October.

October was The Great Shift in my life. It was that month when I felt like all those angels I've leaned on for support, care, to hold me while I tackled my demons, finally took a step back, loosened their grip around me and said, "Ladee, be free. You can do this."

(I saved this on my computer this summer, posted it on FB and can't find it online to source it. If this is your photo, contact me and I will source you.)

From then on I was changed. 

But in a good way.

Actually, in a GREAT WAY.

I felt like my soul was in hibernation; going through extensive amounts of questioning and learning, healing, searching for inner truth; an internal whirlwind. My soul went through such a concentration of highs and lows, comfort and loss in a few short months than I have experienced in years combined. 

But finally: I found freedom.

(Source. Thank you!)

And never doubting once that God had ever left my side.

I realized just how many things held me down. Things that I thoroughly believed were to uplift me, were actually the shackles that imprisoned me my whole life.

I was robbed. So robbed.

Letting go of all the "fluff" as I call it, and holding tight to God, Christ, and my family; the bare essentials, and letting go of everything that doesn't feel right within me, has given me such freedom and a happiness so rich I have felt at times my heart would burst.

While I know I could write more and go into way more depth than I am right now, I leave my readers with this:

If ____ (you fill in the blank) doesn't honor you, doesn't make your soul sing, doesn't bring you PURE joy and happiness, doesn't have you waking up proud of the person you are...

LET IT GO.

If it's a person you must keep in your life (example: a family member that you love dearly), LET GO of the way they feel about you/your situation/your decisions. Let them think and judge and act for themselves, but don't allow it to affect you. The moment you don't let their thoughts/words affect you is the moment you're liberated.

For if you are truly happy, does it mater what anyone thinks? Would you rather be unhappy but keep them happy? How unfair that is. To sacrifice your happiness, forgo what God wants you to have most, for someone else's opinion to be the way they want about you.

So, going back to my last post, this year wasn't catastrophic, although it sounds like it. It had it's ups and it sure had some downs.

And yeah, I'm really, really ready for the year to be over. Because I'm so excited to start new, with a new me of sorts.

But I've never been happier.

And I've never felt more loved and more free.

<3

First and foremost: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I kept kicking myself this holiday season because as much as I tried, I couldn't get myself to be motivated to make my tree look like last year's.

 (Decemeber 2014)

Or like anyone's, for that matter.

I pulled out the tree and the lights early this month but found myself just not in the mood to do even that. I kept delaying the ornament hanging to "tomorrow"; a word that I love and a word that I love to hate.

My son pulled out the silvery-blue Christmas bulbs that we have had for the past several years and added them to the tree, bless his heart. I handed each family member their new ornament for the year, to which we hung.

But that was it.

I did buy two new boxes of white lights to add to our tree though because nothing is prettier than a tree so full of lights that the neighbors living behind us wonder if the darn thing is aflame.

I wish I could pinpoint why I don't have the motivation to decorate much this year.

I often wonder if it's because this year is much different than 2014. In some ways good and in other ways not as good. I wouldn't say this year was catastrophic. All years have their ups and downs. Maybe my tree is looking more "plain" because this year I've come to find that the simple things in life are the things to be most valued.

Or maybe it's because I'm just super ready to have this year over.

I've learned a lot this year.

And while I know that I will never go a day in this life without learning, I have felt that a lot of *life lessons* were made this year; lessons that I will no doubt carry with me throughout the rest of my existence.

I felt like 2015 was another 2011, in many ways. It was great and terrible. And life changing.

But I have nothing but gratitude towards our Lord and our God that it happened. I know that all things happen for a reason. I know too that all lessons learned are times when God sits back quietly, much like a teacher does during an exam, to see how we'll handle these hard times but ready to help the moment your hand is raised.

I'm grateful too for a patient and caring husband. I feel like I've dragged him through these changes of mine, whether he liked it or not and at the end of each day he would hold me close, told me of his support and helped comfort me so I could rest a little more easy.

I have found how important family is this year. How I cherish each one of my children in a way more rich and deep than I have in years past. And I cherish the lives of my friends and their family a little more too.

After all, life is truly about enjoying the simple things. For without simple things, there's no great rewards.

Maybe I'll do another blog post or video, about all this year has taught me.

But for now, I want to wish you, my readers, a Merry Christmas.

And I want you to know how much I love you. How much I appreciate you. How much your kindness and support has meant so much to me and has been something I have leaned on heavily during those days when I felt hopeless. I know I've been absent many times during these trials, but you've been understanding, held no judgement and I knew I always had open arms to run to.

May you be blessed. Loved. Cherished. Held close. Know your value.

And thank you, again.

I found this beautiful, wannabe vintage desk (American Signature) and chair on craigslist this summer and like the wonderful person Mr Hunter is, helped me get it for cheaper than the asking price and said, "Tell the guy we'll be there in 30 minutes."

How I love that my husband can drop everything for a moment to do something for me, when he doesn't have to.

I probably spend most of my free time here. This is where I catch up with friends, edit my videos, write these blog posts and I even snapchat, frequently, from here. The glow from my laptop screen helps with my phone's poor resolution with indoor lighting. ;) That, or I'm lazy and would just prefer to live all day on this chair.

I learn from here, study from here, post about life and the hard times that can happen from here. I've laughed until I cried and I've been frustrated enough to scream and I've been full of tears that were of happiness and sorrow. This little nook knows just about all of my emotions better than any place on Earth.

I'm constantly grateful for the many blessings of the internet and for all that came along with it these years. But of all those things, I'm most grateful for the opportunity I, and many others have, to be able to be a blogger, to write, to share our innermost thoughts, our life, our tips, our laughs and cries in our little nook on the internet.

I met a man a couple weeks ago. I was looking for curtains through WalMart's clearance section. He was close by and came up to talk to me. He was an easy person to talk to; someone who, like me, loves to ask questions, loves to know about the lives of others, loves to know why we're here at this time and what that could possibly make of our destiny. One thing that stood out to me most is how his life was and is completely opposite of mine; his past, the now, and probably his future. And yet, our completely opposite lives brought us to a silly store, at the same time, in a random spot in the middle of WalMart.

After our conversation he asked, "So what are you going to do with all this knowledge you have?"

I wasn't sure the question he was asking. In my mind I'm thinking about how I praise my Lord and God for all the knowledge, blessings, LIFE that I have. So, if anything, I give thanks.

"You need to write it. All of it. And you need to let others know," he answered himself.

"Oh," I said, snapping myself out of my mind, "I already do that!"

He seemed genuinely pleased. "Good. You have a story to tell, an incredible mind, intuitive heart, and you can't live this life without writing it down."

For all those that are considering taking up journaling by writing, blogging, vlogging, a picture a day, voice recording or any form of documentation:

Start now.

There's no wrong way to portray what's on your mind. There's no wrong way to express how you feel. There's no rules in journaling. It's your life's history! It's The Story of You.

Trust Your Story.

...and document it.

I hear this every time I tell someone that I'm choosing to eat clean, be healthier, go "on a diet".

And usually these words are said with a tone of disgust, in which I feel like I'm really hearing, "You skinny minny, you gained five pounds and are crying over it. Give me a break."

They are true. I am "skinny" and I have "gained five pounds" and, in a sense, I am "crying over it". So I grant your "give me a break" by no longer confiding in you during the times I need to make this change.

But before you go thinking that I'm just vain, that I'm high maintenance, or that I'm judging why you're not watching your health as much as I am, let me tell you my side of this story.

I am 5' 3"....which is actually an estimation considering I'm really 5' 2.75"

I live my life based on HOW I FEEL.

Yes, I will weigh myself once or twice a week. If I'm counting calories or am trying to lose a pound or two due to a week of mindless bingeing, I'll check that scale every darn day until I'm back in the black.

I allow myself a five pound range. I can feel when I'm at the lower end of that range and I can feel when I'm at the higher end of that range. And, let's get real, my pants talk too. They know where I'm at on that range as well.

The problem I have is that I love food. Like, I really love food. To which people will look me up and down and think that I'm lying when I say that, like I only love healthy foods or something. I'd love to introduce you to my two girlfriends who have gone out to the Cheesecake Factory with me many times and watched as I've eaten a whole appetizer (fried mac and cheese is my LIFE), entree (mostly a cheeseburger with sweet potato fries and a side of ranch), AND a whole slice of cheesecake (Adam's PB cup fudge ripple cheesecake, to be exact). Have you been to the Cheesecake Factory? Have you seen their servings?

Should I be ashamed to admit that I've eaten that much, in one sitting, to you?

To which ties into the other problem I have and that is that I lack self control. Especially during social events or times of stress or times when I'm bored out of my mind and I just want something to eat to give me comfort and companionship.

And no, I don't munch on kale chips or carrot sticks or apple slices to bide my time. I munch on cookies, crackers, candy, breads, anything that is made of sugar and carbs.

I also work out. I have oftentimes told people that the only reason I work out is so I can eat as much as I do and, other than working out being my therapy, that statement is absolutely true. Because food too, is my therapy.

I do have to say, that I will have seasons in my life where I will skip out on the junk food, ignore the candy aisle at the store, forget that there's such a thing as chocolate ice cream and the infinity creative toppings that can go with it.

And these seasons happen when I choose to be strict with myself. I love when I'm strict with myself just as much as I love when I allow myself to run amok at the closest frozen yogurt joint.

There is a near war that goes on in my mind before finally surrendering to this strict, lifestyle change. Because why do I want to eat whole foods when unhealthy foods fill my belly with such satisfaction, make me happy, and bring me relief?

But I've found there's so much freedom in the restriction. I know what I can eat and I can trust it won't make me feel like crap come morning.

Crap. Yes, metaphorically, of course. Lately I've been feeling quite a bit like crap in the mornings. Or quite a lot like crap in the mornings.

I get up, take some caffeine and start my day with a work out. I eat really well come about 1pm when my real appetite kicks in and I'm stuffing Keebler's Chocolate Lovers cookies down my throat while chugging chocolate milk as a dessert to my Club Lulu from Jimmy Johns.

While I've been blessed to be able to have an appetite and not gain weight too considerably fast, I do gain and then I have the worst time trying to break through those dreaded plateaus.

But the number one reason I choose to be healthy, to make this strict lifestyle change in hopes that I'll remain strict for a while (while knowing that I'm human, a food addict, and tend to slowly be back to my old way in a year or two) is because I'm hypoglycemic.

I can FEEL when my blood sugar is out of control. I can FEEL when it's low and when it's high.

Unhealthy eating, the way I prefer to eat, upsets my blood sugar. It drops far too often, far too quickly or suddenly a binge on sugar cookies will send it so high I could swear I feel the sugar slugging through my veins.

Whether my blood sugar is too high or too low, one thing is certain: My life comes to a halt. I lay in bed for hours, waiting for my blood sugar to lower, or because my blood sugar took such a nose dive, my body is weak.

"Oh, Ladee," I've been told, "Maybe you should see a doctor and see if you can get some medication for that."

WHY? So I can continue eating garbage?

NO. How about I kick my butt in gear, eat clean, and have that be my medication? Will I lose weight? More than likely. But for some reason, losing weight isn't ok, especially when you're as "skinny" as I am.

People need to understand that your health is never solely based on your size.

Just as one size will never be prettier than the other, one size isn't a guarantee to be healthier than the other.

I am choosing this lifestyle change as a reset to my body. This diet is extremely strict, but only for 4-6 weeks (depending on how I FEEL) and then afterwards it's just maintenance. My blood sugar throughout this diet is perfect. I never have any issues while on it. And once I'm off the diet the issues I have are rare, as long as I keep my intake in check. If I'm eating healthy, I can go a meal or two a week eating pure junk and my blood sugar will level itself out on its own.

But the constant abuse and then my body surrenders and can't function like the well-oiled, God-made machinery like it should.

So to those ladies that gained five pounds and are "crying about it", I'm here for you. Because we understand how those measly five pounds make us feel. If we feel awesome at a certain weight, then it shouldn't matter what any outside source says. And as long as we're going about it in a healthy manner, then it really shouldn't matter what anyone says.

And to those that say, "But you don't need to go on a diet", please understand the reasoning behind the person choosing their diet.

While I know, firsthand, about terrible dieting, and obsessing over weight, unless you are certain someone is leading a very dangerous, eating-disorder lifestyle, please, be supportive. Please do not try to sabotage their diet either. It's better to understand it and see if they have "cheat meals" before delivering a pound cake or taking them to a burger joint where there's nothing on the menu they can order and they're left feeling so stuck they either cave (which is painful) or end up drinking ice water while they watch you eat (which is painful too).

Because we all know that dieting isn't easy. And one day you may find yourself on the flip side and will hope that your friends will be of a support to you.

I think way too much. 

If my blog posts aren't evident enough of that then, CONFESSION: I think too much.

Sometimes I wonder if I don't think any more than the next person. That we're all just a bunch of thinkers but don't voice it. I know that we always seem to have some streaming thought going on in our head, according to some show I watched years ago. 

But to contemplate, to really consider certain things, including the pointless things, until you've either got it down to a science or tire of it, I wonder how much of that we all, as a whole, really do.

I wonder this because I have had mental battles, wars, while sitting amongst a quiet group of friends. Where I think something and then debate it, or view it from another angle, debate that and then go back to my first thought before the debate to start fresh. I will then look over at a friend, remember something I needed to ask her, to which it interrupts the organized chaos that is raging in my head and suddenly my mind is now an eight semi-truck pile up all thanks to the 1998 Dodge Neon that cut everyone off.

One gal I'm subscribed to uploaded a video and in it, she was frustrated. She ranted about other YouTubers, one in particular, but how a lot of them are "fake" while screaming to their viewers that they should be themselves. She also talked about the demands these people have and the difficulty of that to post videos on a regular basis to meet the expectations of their viewers. 

This video had me coming to a screeching halt while applying my makeup. I took a look at myself in the mirror, wondering with that over-thinking brain of mine, how much her rant could very well apply to me. 

And I did a video on it. Because I want you, my favorite people in the world, to know what my response is and I think it's only fair to finally tell you what you should expect from me. 

Growing up I followed the crowd, I followed the rules, I wanted to be

Just
Like
Everyone
Else.

Why? Because the majority of the population, in my opinion, liked and was most comfortable with those who were followers of the norm, or were rule keepers...

And I just wanted to be liked. I didn't know how else to be liked than to do what I was told. Everyone likes a good person who doesn't question things...at least that was what I learned from a very young age; that those I love were the happiest with me when I did what I was told.

I have found that for the most part that the rules that were taught to me to live by are rules that I still follow. I have found most happiness and freedom within these guidelines.

But I have found that some rules that I've ignorantly given myself from a young age, have been doing no benefit to me and if anything, have hindered me from becoming the person that I feel I've pushed aside and belittled for so long. And all this conditioning I've placed upon myself still haunts me today. While they haunt me less, they still tug and make their presence known when I go against them. Even if going against them is right.

But as I've searched these past several years to know what is best for me, what is the best person that God would have be, and trusting that God has my heart and I would not go wrong following it, I've settled myself on this:

I no longer want to follow the norm, and their rules.

Something happened today that sparked this blog post. Something that tugged at my gut just so that I knew I couldn't sit back and not give my two cents.

I stumbled upon a website. A website full of those who "know it all", who believe that if I follow what they know, that I would be happier and see better results in my life.

My mind trailed back to the past year or so and I realized that I was doing just about nothing that this website claims is a "sure-fire win" to having the end goal that they assume that I would want to have.

But in that moment where my mind looked at all the "wrong" I've done, for the slightest fraction of a second I felt regret that I had done those things, I suddenly wondered if there was a way I could go back and fix my "faults" to which I then told myself to take good mental notes as to what is on this website so that I may follow it, to the letter, in the future.

Once that split second ended, I came back to reality and looked over the website again and shook my head.

My mind retorted, "I didn't come this far in life to conform, again, to what a few people think I should do in order to succeed. I've have done pretty darn good these past few years, so why change that?"

But what gets me is how much I still allow these pointless "rules" to have me second-guessing everything that I've become. To have me feeling like that little Ladee who is now in trouble for not knowing better and shunned into her room until the lesson has been forever burned into the memory so it won't happen again.

I've often wondered what I could do to no longer feel like my differences are bad. Many times I sit among a group of women and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am not like any of them. And how grateful I am for that. Not because I don't want to be like them, but because I know that I am happiest being me and having embraced my differences. The differences that God gave me so I can be an instrument in His hands. I'm more comfortable in my skin than I've ever been.

And yet, why, if I'm so happy with this person I've become, should I still feel that thread of the past, pulling me back?

I hold the greatest fear of the unknown. I get ill over not knowing when things will happen and how they'll happen. Could this be the old me, the all-familiar, the rule-keeper pulling me back to "safety" because there I know what to expect? But that's just the problem...I don't want the life the old me had, regardless of how well I know it and how predictable it is. Because in that life I am not true to myself.

Thank God that life is lived a day at a time. And that each day we learn a little more, if we allow it.

While I don't know what tomorrow brings, I've found that my tomorrows are better as I look forward to them, with God at my side, than when I have wished for my yesterdays back in attempts to change what one person may believe I'm doing wrong.

"To thine own self be true."

I have been so far out of the dating loop I am not even going to attempt to admit that I am an expert in it.

But I do feel like I know how one should be treated in a relationship. I have seen time and again relationships that have been on the rocks either lead to a stronger bond, or having both parties go their separate ways.

I am one who likes to look at situations/friendships/relationships, anything that involves two people, from the perspective of both of those people. I observe what makes two people work together like clockwork, or push against each other like grinding gears.

But most importantly, I have learned that between each story where a relationship has failed, there is a fine line called "The Truth".

So when my friend wrote me, a friend I've known for a while, a friend that has confided a lot in me about his dating woes, his insecurities in finding and keeping a relationship, and how it looks like his latest "girlfriend" is following suit in this history of his, I could no longer bite my tongue.

I recently experienced the ever popular statement of "I no longer recognize myself in the mirror". 

Because I still see myself as this:

(Ladee's Senior Picture)

My face was so youthful, so line-less, so smooth. I was constantly mistaken as being my younger sister's age while everyone assumed she was my age.

How I hated that.

"Just wait, Ladee," Mom would tell me, "when you're in your thirties everyone will think you're in your twenties!"

And while I still beam brighter than noonday sun when I hear strangers, new friends, and even my kids' friends say that I look like I'm 21, I know how I used to look and I want to stop, at all costs, the aging that is continuing to progress.

Here's a video where I review a product that claims to remove all the issues I have of my face.

Listen as I let you know if it worked for me.

We all have that one night where we get no sleep. How it affects your day. How it changes your mood. How it affects the way you eat and what you consume (copious amounts of caffeine, much?).

I'm used to a day, here or there, of no sleep. That's the problem with being a thinker, and over thinking things, even the smallest things that no matter how many times I think it over and over again that it won't change the past, present, or future. A sad reality that has taken me years to accept. 

But it still doesn't stop my mind from the intense wandering until 30 minutes before my alarm clock goes off, to which it shuts down and I finally find dreamland. 

How unfair and cruel my mind can be.

I'm also used to having a couple days, in a row, of no sleep, thanks to said mind.

But after the third day of no sleep, my anxiety kicks in. I am more startled, I have a harder time falling asleep due to this startling. Any sound has my heart racing and putting me back at square one in my feeble attempts at rest. I am also restless and uneasy, wired and dizzy.

In this video (made yesterday, Friday, April 24) I had gone four nights without sleep. A whole 96 hours awake with only 12 hours of sleep. I tried sleeping in when I could. I really tried napping. And I wasn't successful. 

I had fallen into a deep sleep about an hour before I had to get ready for a dental visit. I wanted so bad to stay in bed. But I couldn't. This was a special dental visit that had to be made on this day, at this time. 

So come watch as I ramble on and on about more-or-less nothing, as you take a car ride with me to find a new dentist office in the middle of nowhere, so much so that my GPS couldn't even find it.

P.S. I finally got some sleep last night. I went to bed and DIDN'T MOVE until my alarm went off this morning. My head hit the pillow and within minutes, I was out. It was glorious. 

We have our little secrets, right?

Well here I share a few of mine.

Read below where I talk about one of my most embarrassing moments, a memory I couldn't remember for the video, and now I know why!

There's reasons why I suppress old memories!

But I promised I'd write it down for ya'll and so, here ya go.

As you can tell, I could not remember a most embarrassing memory. 

And I remember WHY I don't allow myself to remember past embarrassing memories after unearthing this one from the deepest realms of my mind. LOL

One day my two friends and I were over at another friend's house, jumping on her trampoline. We were playing "Crack The Egg"; where you sit criss-crossed, holding your feet with your hands. The object of the game is that if you're the "egg", you try to remain "unbroken" while your friends jump around you, trying to free your hands and feet. Once they've done that, you've lost. The quicker they can "crack" you, the more of a wimp you are.

My friend and I were both the "egg" while my other two friends jumped around us. I ended up with one free hand, my other friend still intact and we were both on our side, immovable. My friends were laughing about how my other "egg" friend's head was right up against my tush and so with my free hand, I tried to push her away and give us both some space. When I realized that no matter how great of effort my poor friend, who, God bless her had the determination to not break free from being an "egg" so she could win, decided having her face against my backside worth it, I lost it and laughed so hard I peed my pants (of course AFTER I had separated myself from her and jumped off the trampoline).

I was dubbed the name PeeBody for several years afterwards.