I recycle. (Aren't you proud of me?)

Not because I choose to. (Now are you?)

Because the city, for some odd reason, only picks up trash once a week.
Hello, in AZ it was twice a week! Isn't everything "bigger in Texas"?
Yes, it is. Including the amount of trash we pile into our trash bins.

But since the trash man only comes around on Wednesdays, we are obligated to use the recycle bin so that we don't have an overabundance of trash bags laying around the already full trash bin to be attacked by wild creatures or those looking to find "treasures" they can sell at their yardsale.

I have learned in the many years that we have lived here that recycling ain't all that bad. For the first few years we lived here, the city had set up some rewards program with a company that would give us so many points for how much we recycle and if we save enough points, we could trade them in for gift cards and maybe other things, but I was mostly into getting the gift cards to notice the others.

The city ended this program and yet, out of habit and fear of what possums, raccoons, odd people, and stay dogs could do to my trash, I still recycle.

I have a small recycle bin inside the house that I use my superior Tetris skills to get as many recyclable items to fit in it. A lot of boxes within boxes or collapsed boxes within one box. If it looks like it would remotely fit, you better believe I would make it work.

One day I finished using my favorite, generic Clorox wipes and went to put it in the recycle. I looked in my recycle bin and found the empty box used for trash bags, sitting open, a blank space that was going to be filled before I took my small recycle bin outside to empty it.

I hear myself say before considering my words, "Can I fit this round peg into this square hole?"

And so I tried.

I found resistance. The wipes container was just a hair too large to fit into the empty box of trash bags.

But I was persistent. It had to fit. I was going to make it.

Between the stubbornness of the size difference and the stubbornness I had to make them fit so I could get on with my cleaning, the items in hand finally gave up and "fit" together.

I finally listened to the words I said as I stared at this box with the container jammed inside. Can I fit this round peg into this square hole?

How often do we feel like we are jammed into a life that doesn't seem to fit who we are? And while we "fit", we feel like something is missing or that we don't feel free to fully express our self?

And the bigger question is: how in the world can get we get out of that?

I often wonder if there is a blanket response for everyone.
The more I think about it and the older I get, I don't know if there is.

Then, what is the option for you?
That's when things can get tricky.

I think sometimes we want to take a path that we feel would be fun/exciting/life-chaning, or in this case, for our betterment and don't try because we fear failure. So we instead take a step back after inching forward, returning to our usual rut we have been complaining that we're "stuck" in while everyone around us seems to be making strides just fine.

Does it matter if we fail? What would honestly happen to us if we did? If we took a path that felt right to take, or a path that we think would help us become more of the person we feel inside and we fail, does that mean we were wrong? Does that mean the path wasn't right?

No.

Maybe that is the right path to take. But maybe the timing is wrong.

One way to know which path to take to is to truly know who you are.
Again, that's when things can get tricky.
How can one know them self in a world that has shaped who they are?

I remember taking a walk several years ago, thinking about my life and the person I was and how I built this "empire" within me to be the kind of person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I also built myself with the skewed perception of what I thought God wanted me to be.
I remember saying a prayer in my heart, knowing that in order to be fully and authentically me, that I would need to tear down just about everything that I built.
I felt a hot tear hug the outer corner of my right eye. That would take TIME. Time on my own.
"How I can I do that, God, while still being there for my family as a wife and mother should?"

As I watched my feet hit the concrete underneath me I heard a quiet answer from within. An answer that was said in the purest love I have ever felt.
"We will do a little at a time."

I am not here to say that my "empire" has been completely broken down, rebuilt, and now looking wonderful. But during the time between that walk and now, I have changed a lot. And for the better. I'm still finding things I need to improve on. I'm still so incredibly flawed.

But I have found truth in the simple phrase, "To thine own self be true."

How can you do that? There's many answers and to each person, their answer is different. But these are my answers and possibly they could help you.

1. Stop keeping secrets from yourself. They only make them bigger. Own up to your faults so you can release them.

2. Get to know every last detail of yourself. Yes, I'm telling you to take some friggin' time for yourself already! I know we tend to load up that extra time on our calendar with more things ("Sure, I can help out with the school bakesale! Five dozen brownies, on the double!", "Oh, you need me to pick up and watch your kids during that small amount of time I have before going to my doctor appointment? Ok!") and come the end of the week we are exhausted and not only on our last leg but our last nerve.
I often think of Ann Perkins on Parks and Rec when she said on few episodes, "I'm dating myself".
So do that!
Do what it takes to know who you are.

3. Write in a journal as often as you can. Write what makes you happy. Write what doesn't. Write when you receive little inspirations as to who you are. Write when you have a natural reaction to something you used to react differently to.

4. Most importantly, find a healthy hobby. Find that one thing that you can do that doesn't consume your life but is there if you need an escape. I have two things that are my go-tos when time feels like it's weighing down on me:
          a. My healthy hobby and escape: The gym. I go in the mornings to help keep myself feeling healthy and sane (and that's no joke). Also, I can always go back and run some more laps if I need an outlet. If not, I can take a walk around my neighborhood.
          b. My escape: Taking a drive and turning up the music REAL LOUD. There's a particular CD I've had for about ten years that is grungy, and distorted and this perfect, beautiful blend of chaos. During my high anxiety days, I will take a 20 minute drive and turn that CD on. The music mirrors my inner emotions and pulls them out.

What healthy hobbies and escapes do you have?

That's my tidbit of advice. Remember, please remember, that you are designed to be unique. There will never be another you on this earth. So make the most of your time so when you look back on your life, you'll have no regrets.

Get out of that square hole. Even if you can only inch your way out of it at a time. That's still progress.

Tell me about your experiences! How did you get out of that square hole? What advice would you give others struggling to find themselves?

Ever since understanding what looks good and me and what doesn't, I have struggled most with makeup. Generally if I find a color that works great on me, I end up just using that color the most of the time as I find it tiresome to look for a color at the store with their bright florescent lights and then hope it looks good on me and when it doesn't, I'm too lazy to change it and therefore, carry it around on my face the whole day.

So what is awesome about drugstore makeup is that it's relatively cheap enough for error.

A few months ago I bought this:

It looked great on the shelf, I figured it would work for me. Warm creams and browns. I couldn't fail, it was the perfect "Type 3" colors!

I looked gross.

Straight up not right.

But since I only spent two dollars and change on that bad boy, and used it twice, tops, I gave it to a family member who said it would look great on them. 

I honestly have yet to find a set brown eye shadows that would look great on me. 

Explain that one, sweetheart.

I was watching some makeup tutorials and found one of my favorite youtubers showing us how to make her gorgeous, myriad of purples on her eyes.

I realized then that I hadn't worn purple eye shadow in ten+ years. Why ten years? Because that's when the purple eye shadow I bought for my wedding was probably all used up. 

I never bought more purple eye shadow after that...probably because I realized I caught my man, became a baby making machine, started putting makeup last on my priority list and when I did wear makeup, I rarely wore eye shadow.

I sure love this palette! 

Body issues are real.

And just because someone is fit and healthy doesn't mean they are immune to body issues.

I can't tell you how much I envy any woman who can show off her body, in a swimsuit, with pride.

I remember being very young, stepping on my mother's scale (a usual occurrence I did) and seeing it say 74lbs. I would then look at the number 80 and think, "If I ever get to 80 pounds...." and while I don't remember exactly what I would say after that ("...I would just die" or "I would be so sad"), I just remember instantly feeling anxiety and a loss of control of my life and over my happiness.

Well, I don't recall what I did when I finally reached 80lbs but deep inside I knew it was bound to happen anyway.

A later memory takes me back to when I stepped on Mom's scale again, it saying I was 90-ish pounds and my mind would repeat the words "If I ever to get to 100 pounds..." with those same anxious feelings returning.

I remember being young and critiquing my body. I have a picture of me in a short skirt, taken around 9 or 10 years old. It was my best and worst piece of clothing. I loved it on some days, and on other days, I felt fat and disgusting when I looked at myself.

I had a friend once tell me I wouldn't understand what he was going through because he spent his whole life overweight and then lost the weight while I was only overweight while I was having kids and then lost the weight.

And while his pain may be different than mine, we both spent our life in a struggle we felt we could not hold any control of getting away from.

I honestly have no idea why and what started my weight issues and Body Dysmorphic Disorder at such a young age. I was never treated ill by my family and while siblings would tease here and there about my looks (I'm one of 7 children, teasing is what you're raised with!), I understood they were joking and didn't take their words seriously, as we weren't that kind of family to intentionally tear each other down.

This BDD took a turn for the worst when in high school I decided to no longer eat.
At the time I was 105 pounds.
My BMI is at the lowest point (18.6) before being considered "Underweight". If I lost a pound, I would have been.

I remember sitting in my room, listening to Ace of Base (respect) on a Sunday afternoon, starving.
I would suck on some pieces of candy to get me by.
This became a regular ritual of mine. If I were in my room, I was away from everyone, and especially away from food.

Thank God with the help of great parents, my church, and my counselor, I pulled through and was healthy again.

But in my mind I always carried around the mentality that I was a bigger girl and that my weight defined whether or not I had control in my life.

I'll stop there for now.
I am doing far better than I was, that's a fact and that I am grateful for.
I feel I understand why I went through all I did.
That's for another post.
But for now, come listen to me rant about the joy (read: annoyance) of having body issues.

This is part one of a three part video. I'm going on a cruise! And I just might be going crazy!

Firstly, 
I must give credit where support and credit is due. I leaned on two specific friends (J and A) during this time who were a wonderful listening ear as well as a strength to me during this time. They know who they are and I love them for their willingness to just be present in my life during this time. It was an act they didn't have to do. They're perfect examples of selfless love.
Thank you ladies. You are beautiful, inside and out.

Since May 31, 2014 I have changed my name from The Type 3 Woman, to just the generic The Type Woman.

And it appears like people care to know more about my reasoning for that than anything else I have to write.

Why is that, I wonder?
Probably because there's a whole community of people who love Dressing Your Truth, as well as Carol Tuttle and her team and so why would someone like me, who avidly loves the system so much, just seem to walk away from it all and talk no more about it?

I'm certain it looked like I left everyone in that community, without caring to say goodbye to some awesome friends I've met along the way, when the fact is that I felt forced to leave it.

I read Carol's book, "It's Just My Nature" a couple years ago and it justified everything that I hid within that was "wrong" with me and had me understanding that it was all "right". Here I was struggling with my identity, with who I really am, with what I wanted God to want me to be as my sense of self was a mess while I pressed myself to conform to a lifestyle and a personality that frankly makes me gag when I look back on it.

I was strangely happy and found it was most "natural" to be the type of person that I convinced myself my whole life as "wicked", "evil", and "crude". And to me, all three of those negative words meant one thing: that God would be disappointed in me if I dare continue to let that persona out.

Carol's book did not fall into my hands, by my amazing friend Rebecca, by mere chance.
Looking back I see God's hand in His finding the perfect time for me to read her book, so that I, Ladee, may know of a surety that God made me as ME and not to be someone else, especially a person that tradition said I should be.

And here I saw an opportunity too, to have fun with his new understanding of who I was. I literally took it, embraced it and ran with it! And that's when I started making a blog, youtube, facebook, instagram and google plus account.
I was reaching out to all I could find who, too, loved this system. I wanted to talk all day to everyone about the different Types.

And so I posted away!

I thought nothing of it and thoroughly enjoyed being The Type 3 Woman when I posted something, late February, that I shouldn't.
I posted one of the Types color card and within that blog post, also talked about a coloring system. Both of which to many, don't correlate, but to me, it does most of the time.
I then got a message on facebook, from a very kind woman, who helped me understand my wrongdoing as well as linked me to Dressing Your Truth's Terms of Use.

I took down the post and out of respect for a system that I love, I decided I would be more careful in the future.

But something didn't sit right with me.

These Terms of Use were a "Membership Program Agreement".

I never paid for any program and I did not buy Carol's book from her website. I bought it used online, an old print. So old the pages fell out.
I wasn't a member.

I decided to put it behind me until a few months later. When I got another message.

Dated May 26, 2014

Dear Madam,

Some of my material has been published without my consent on your Facebook and YouTube pages.

(...)

Carol Tuttle

Also in this message I am told I have until May 31, 2014 to change my accounts.  To take out "Type 3" as my label.

All in five days.

I was a mess of emotions.
Here I thought I was helping the DYT team. I was bringing people to their fold, making certain that those that came on my blog/youtube/facebook/instagram knew that I wasn't affiliated with their team, and neither that I was a professional.

So I changed everything and claimed myself "The Type Woman". It was basic. It was generic. For all anyone knew, I could very well be talking about different blood types before they assumed I was referring to a "type" of personality. And if I was talking about personality "types", one would assume I was talking about the MBTI Types that are used when applying for jobs before I was talking about any other system.

And then I got this, May 31, 2014:

Subject: TheTypeWoman.com

TheTypeWoman.com

Dear Ladee Lyon,

Thank you for your attention and efforts to be in compliance and remove the copyrighted material from your videos, sites, blogs, posts, and Instagram and other social media sites where you are promoting yourself. The term Type cannot be used in your site links or any promotion of yourself or others as it is specific to Carol Tuttle's Dressing Your Truth, Energy Profiling, and Beauty Profiling copyrighted work and intellectual property. To complete the compliance request this will need to be corrected by the end of the day with the other compliance requests for May 31, 2014.

Thank you for your prompt and immediate attention to this matter. We are grateful for your support and attention to honoring Carol Tuttle's copyrighted work.

Sincerely,
Dressing Your Truth
Copyright Compliance Officers

And I again had a near meltdown.
I considered how to change everything, again, and if I even had the TIME to do so.
I didn't want to cause any problems! I didn't want to get into any trouble.
So should I spend the whole day changing everything, again? To keep the peace?

But then I noticed something. The subject line of this message says, "TheTypeWoman.com". I had no website with that! I only had my blogger account. It was so strange that such an important detail, in my opinion, was overlooked that I decided to click on the links of those who actually SENT these facebook and youtube messages, claiming themselves as "Carol Tuttle" and "Dressing Your Truth".

And I thought you'd like to click on them too.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=686125647
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWwhLs2EjaIiKm3-IihG2fg

Who, in heaven's name, are these people with these accounts?

One answer is, "Well, they could be Carol Tuttle's 'people'."

Sure, maybe.
But I sure found it weird.
I decided I wasn't going to labor over changing my accounts...again. They were just fine as they were.

And then someone posted this, May 29, 2014:

The link has long been removed and will pull up a 404 code but another requirement was for this blog assistant was to be familiar with youtube and wordpress.
Something that I indeed AM.

And that was it.
That was the final straw.

I felt like even if I were to apply for this job, I would get shut down. I felt like they wanted me to apply so that they could shut me down.

By this time I felt like Carol Tuttle and her team were nothing but a bunch of bullies. Friends of mine were leaving DYT groups because moderators were micro-managing and dropping people from the group. Carol Tuttle herself was telling people they were in the wrong DYT group, leaving these women confused, hurt, and berated....something the system, I so firmly believed, did the absolute opposite.
I was also one, of many, who had to change their name/title due to some fancy written message that scared us into doing it as it was never anywhere close to our intention to do anything wrong, but show the world how wonderful this system is.

All in all, they wanted nothing to do with me and wanted me to be far from their system. To no longer claim them again.

So, I didn't. Feeling battered and left in the dust their tires kicked up after dumping me off, I removed the "3" from my name.

I then took a large dose of what all I had left: time.
I kept telling close friends who knew about this that I wasn't going to post anything about this on my blog as "I don't want to give DYT any satisfaction that they controlled me".

But yesterday I decided to go against that.

This week I found something.
Forgiveness.
A few days ago I was talking to my friend about the Types (something I have been doing for a while now) and suddenly found myself shedding the scales of bitterness and rejection I felt towards Carol Tuttle and her team. While I don't understand why and what had me shedding these negative emotions now, instead of sooner, or rather instead of later, but I realized a weight that had been present on my shoulders were removed. While the sting is still there, I feel the sting is no longer directed to Carol, her team, or to any person.

I am liberated.

I still am unsure as to how I am going to move forward when it comes to talking about The Four Types System, especially Dressing Your Truth.

Time will tell.

And there you have it, the answer to the question you all have been asking.