....or so that's what some people are saying.

Others are saying we all need to chillax and not get so caught up in a bunch of nothing. 

So, which should you believe?

I wish I had an answer for you.

But I do have an opinion...well, hello, I have several opinions, but here I share one. 

I recycle. (Aren't you proud of me?)

Not because I choose to. (Now are you?)

Because the city, for some odd reason, only picks up trash once a week.
Hello, in AZ it was twice a week! Isn't everything "bigger in Texas"?
Yes, it is. Including the amount of trash we pile into our trash bins.

But since the trash man only comes around on Wednesdays, we are obligated to use the recycle bin so that we don't have an overabundance of trash bags laying around the already full trash bin to be attacked by wild creatures or those looking to find "treasures" they can sell at their yardsale.

I have learned in the many years that we have lived here that recycling ain't all that bad. For the first few years we lived here, the city had set up some rewards program with a company that would give us so many points for how much we recycle and if we save enough points, we could trade them in for gift cards and maybe other things, but I was mostly into getting the gift cards to notice the others.

The city ended this program and yet, out of habit and fear of what possums, raccoons, odd people, and stay dogs could do to my trash, I still recycle.

I have a small recycle bin inside the house that I use my superior Tetris skills to get as many recyclable items to fit in it. A lot of boxes within boxes or collapsed boxes within one box. If it looks like it would remotely fit, you better believe I would make it work.

One day I finished using my favorite, generic Clorox wipes and went to put it in the recycle. I looked in my recycle bin and found the empty box used for trash bags, sitting open, a blank space that was going to be filled before I took my small recycle bin outside to empty it.

I hear myself say before considering my words, "Can I fit this round peg into this square hole?"

And so I tried.

I found resistance. The wipes container was just a hair too large to fit into the empty box of trash bags.

But I was persistent. It had to fit. I was going to make it.

Between the stubbornness of the size difference and the stubbornness I had to make them fit so I could get on with my cleaning, the items in hand finally gave up and "fit" together.

I finally listened to the words I said as I stared at this box with the container jammed inside. Can I fit this round peg into this square hole?

How often do we feel like we are jammed into a life that doesn't seem to fit who we are? And while we "fit", we feel like something is missing or that we don't feel free to fully express our self?

And the bigger question is: how in the world can get we get out of that?

I often wonder if there is a blanket response for everyone.
The more I think about it and the older I get, I don't know if there is.

Then, what is the option for you?
That's when things can get tricky.

I think sometimes we want to take a path that we feel would be fun/exciting/life-chaning, or in this case, for our betterment and don't try because we fear failure. So we instead take a step back after inching forward, returning to our usual rut we have been complaining that we're "stuck" in while everyone around us seems to be making strides just fine.

Does it matter if we fail? What would honestly happen to us if we did? If we took a path that felt right to take, or a path that we think would help us become more of the person we feel inside and we fail, does that mean we were wrong? Does that mean the path wasn't right?

No.

Maybe that is the right path to take. But maybe the timing is wrong.

One way to know which path to take to is to truly know who you are.
Again, that's when things can get tricky.
How can one know them self in a world that has shaped who they are?

I remember taking a walk several years ago, thinking about my life and the person I was and how I built this "empire" within me to be the kind of person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I also built myself with the skewed perception of what I thought God wanted me to be.
I remember saying a prayer in my heart, knowing that in order to be fully and authentically me, that I would need to tear down just about everything that I built.
I felt a hot tear hug the outer corner of my right eye. That would take TIME. Time on my own.
"How I can I do that, God, while still being there for my family as a wife and mother should?"

As I watched my feet hit the concrete underneath me I heard a quiet answer from within. An answer that was said in the purest love I have ever felt.
"We will do a little at a time."

I am not here to say that my "empire" has been completely broken down, rebuilt, and now looking wonderful. But during the time between that walk and now, I have changed a lot. And for the better. I'm still finding things I need to improve on. I'm still so incredibly flawed.

But I have found truth in the simple phrase, "To thine own self be true."

How can you do that? There's many answers and to each person, their answer is different. But these are my answers and possibly they could help you.

1. Stop keeping secrets from yourself. They only make them bigger. Own up to your faults so you can release them.

2. Get to know every last detail of yourself. Yes, I'm telling you to take some friggin' time for yourself already! I know we tend to load up that extra time on our calendar with more things ("Sure, I can help out with the school bakesale! Five dozen brownies, on the double!", "Oh, you need me to pick up and watch your kids during that small amount of time I have before going to my doctor appointment? Ok!") and come the end of the week we are exhausted and not only on our last leg but our last nerve.
I often think of Ann Perkins on Parks and Rec when she said on few episodes, "I'm dating myself".
So do that!
Do what it takes to know who you are.

3. Write in a journal as often as you can. Write what makes you happy. Write what doesn't. Write when you receive little inspirations as to who you are. Write when you have a natural reaction to something you used to react differently to.

4. Most importantly, find a healthy hobby. Find that one thing that you can do that doesn't consume your life but is there if you need an escape. I have two things that are my go-tos when time feels like it's weighing down on me:
          a. My healthy hobby and escape: The gym. I go in the mornings to help keep myself feeling healthy and sane (and that's no joke). Also, I can always go back and run some more laps if I need an outlet. If not, I can take a walk around my neighborhood.
          b. My escape: Taking a drive and turning up the music REAL LOUD. There's a particular CD I've had for about ten years that is grungy, and distorted and this perfect, beautiful blend of chaos. During my high anxiety days, I will take a 20 minute drive and turn that CD on. The music mirrors my inner emotions and pulls them out.

What healthy hobbies and escapes do you have?

That's my tidbit of advice. Remember, please remember, that you are designed to be unique. There will never be another you on this earth. So make the most of your time so when you look back on your life, you'll have no regrets.

Get out of that square hole. Even if you can only inch your way out of it at a time. That's still progress.

Tell me about your experiences! How did you get out of that square hole? What advice would you give others struggling to find themselves?

Ever since understanding what looks good and me and what doesn't, I have struggled most with makeup. Generally if I find a color that works great on me, I end up just using that color the most of the time as I find it tiresome to look for a color at the store with their bright florescent lights and then hope it looks good on me and when it doesn't, I'm too lazy to change it and therefore, carry it around on my face the whole day.

So what is awesome about drugstore makeup is that it's relatively cheap enough for error.

A few months ago I bought this:

It looked great on the shelf, I figured it would work for me. Warm creams and browns. I couldn't fail, it was the perfect "Type 3" colors!

I looked gross.

Straight up not right.

But since I only spent two dollars and change on that bad boy, and used it twice, tops, I gave it to a family member who said it would look great on them. 

I honestly have yet to find a set brown eye shadows that would look great on me. 

Explain that one, sweetheart.

I was watching some makeup tutorials and found one of my favorite youtubers showing us how to make her gorgeous, myriad of purples on her eyes.

I realized then that I hadn't worn purple eye shadow in ten+ years. Why ten years? Because that's when the purple eye shadow I bought for my wedding was probably all used up. 

I never bought more purple eye shadow after that...probably because I realized I caught my man, became a baby making machine, started putting makeup last on my priority list and when I did wear makeup, I rarely wore eye shadow.

I sure love this palette! 

Body issues are real.

And just because someone is fit and healthy doesn't mean they are immune to body issues.

I can't tell you how much I envy any woman who can show off her body, in a swimsuit, with pride.

I remember being very young, stepping on my mother's scale (a usual occurrence I did) and seeing it say 74lbs. I would then look at the number 80 and think, "If I ever get to 80 pounds...." and while I don't remember exactly what I would say after that ("...I would just die" or "I would be so sad"), I just remember instantly feeling anxiety and a loss of control of my life and over my happiness.

Well, I don't recall what I did when I finally reached 80lbs but deep inside I knew it was bound to happen anyway.

A later memory takes me back to when I stepped on Mom's scale again, it saying I was 90-ish pounds and my mind would repeat the words "If I ever to get to 100 pounds..." with those same anxious feelings returning.

I remember being young and critiquing my body. I have a picture of me in a short skirt, taken around 9 or 10 years old. It was my best and worst piece of clothing. I loved it on some days, and on other days, I felt fat and disgusting when I looked at myself.

I had a friend once tell me I wouldn't understand what he was going through because he spent his whole life overweight and then lost the weight while I was only overweight while I was having kids and then lost the weight.

And while his pain may be different than mine, we both spent our life in a struggle we felt we could not hold any control of getting away from.

I honestly have no idea why and what started my weight issues and Body Dysmorphic Disorder at such a young age. I was never treated ill by my family and while siblings would tease here and there about my looks (I'm one of 7 children, teasing is what you're raised with!), I understood they were joking and didn't take their words seriously, as we weren't that kind of family to intentionally tear each other down.

This BDD took a turn for the worst when in high school I decided to no longer eat.
At the time I was 105 pounds.
My BMI is at the lowest point (18.6) before being considered "Underweight". If I lost a pound, I would have been.

I remember sitting in my room, listening to Ace of Base (respect) on a Sunday afternoon, starving.
I would suck on some pieces of candy to get me by.
This became a regular ritual of mine. If I were in my room, I was away from everyone, and especially away from food.

Thank God with the help of great parents, my church, and my counselor, I pulled through and was healthy again.

But in my mind I always carried around the mentality that I was a bigger girl and that my weight defined whether or not I had control in my life.

I'll stop there for now.
I am doing far better than I was, that's a fact and that I am grateful for.
I feel I understand why I went through all I did.
That's for another post.
But for now, come listen to me rant about the joy (read: annoyance) of having body issues.

This is part one of a three part video. I'm going on a cruise! And I just might be going crazy!