Several times I have heard people say, "If she has a problem with me, why is she telling everyone else when if she would just tell me we could settle it like adults!"
Or:
"So Friend lied and said she was sick today and skipped out on our lunch when in reality I found out she was doing something else. She should've just told me she didn't want to go. I would've understood."
Or (LOL, I'm noticing I'm using "she" in these examples. I'm just going off what I've been hearing, folks, don't go reading into this like I'm blaming anyone.):
"She is just avoiding me and not answering my calls or texts. If she doesn't want to talk to me she should just say so."
I can count maybe two people who have said those things and I have believed them. These two women are women who don't beat around the bush, they don't have time for drama, they are very cut-and-dry as well as take-me-as-I-am women whom I admire and pray every day to be just like.
I should pray harder for that. ;)
But the rest of the people I've heard say that I honestly wonder just how well they would handle someone saying this to them:
"Friend, the way you treated my friend was garbage. I can't believe you could do such a thing. Because of that, I think less of you and will be wary of you from here on out."
Or:
"Friend, I don't want to hang out today, even though we made plans. I would rather spend my time alone, shopping for fabrics. I'm sure you understand, right?"
Or:
"Friend, I'm not up to being chatty with you. I know Other Friend and I are super close and I answer her texts but not yours. It's just that she and I are besties and I don't feel that closeness with you."
Honestly, I can not see how these truths would keep any peace between people. So we create half-truths, bold face lies, or avoidance to protect both parties.
Case in point:
**I hate having to justify myself before telling everyone that I did something I feel to be black-hearted, but I would have it no other way and to be completely frank, I would like to think I'm getting better as a person, although the "better" I get, the less patience I have with drama....go figure. I guess I'll always be a work in progress.
Justification: Since April I've been assigned as President over the children's organization at church. I won't go into all I do. All I can say is that I came into this position feeling like I stepped into a world of foreign languages and here I had to not only know it all, but to lead it all with a great big smile on my face. Along with this position is my having to force myself to be more social than I like. I know that sounds silly as I'm a Type 3 and being social comes naturally to me. But being forced to be social puts me on a faster burnout than burning out on my own.
Needless to say, I have put my phone on silent for hours DAILY, refused to answer calls, ignored texts, overlooked emails, and avoided fellow churchgoers like Ebola when I see them outside of the church building. And when I do have meetings, I'm feeling like I'm halfway Ladee as my energy is low and my lights dim. My smile is fake, my laughter is forced, I ignore the people around me, I'm just a big, faker.
And. I. hate. it. It's not who I am. But when you're running on "E", you're never your true self.
I know I need to find a happy balance between recharging and giving this position 100% but until then, I'm trudging through. No worries. It's all part of the refiner's fire. I'm not complaining, just stating fact. I accepted this position and knew this would be my future for a while.
Well, I have a friend who loves to chat. And has wanted to chat nonstop for several days.
Lately, I have been avoiding her texts but keep feeling that "pull" like my friend is waiting on the other end (y'all know what I'm talking about?). It's a pull that drives me insane until I respond. But responding is a double-edged sword because if I respond, well, you know what happens next.
She texts again within minutes. With animation! With emoticons! She texts questions. She wants lengthy answers to match her lengthy comments.
And I continue this cycle of avoidance/attention, to where it is beginning to take over my priorities.
This friend is one of those friends who has told me the lines I wrote above. She likes honesty. Or so she says. She also knows I'm feeling a tad buried and finding my bearings. But she also likes my time too, which I love to give, but right here, right now, I just can't give that. And if I want to keep this friendship with her, I have to be honest. Call it a boundary, but I need space. Just for a little while.
I finally wrote this evening with, "I'm sorry I haven't been feeling up to texting. I'm feeling overwhelmed and therefore, antisocial. I promise, it is not you."
I could swear I felt storm clouds directed at me and a sea of unhappy angels informing me I was a bad friend.
My chatty friend responds with four, simple words: "It's fine, I understand."
The one problem with texting is that you can't see or hear the person who is talking. And without the blasted use of emoticons, we are all left to guess.
But I know I get vibes from texts. And this text came to me with a heaviness (on top of the storm clouds). The words appeared to me with depth, as though they were sunken into my screen, a deep grey, and holding a fresh coat of pain.
I wrote back and apologized, something I shouldn't have done, as I'm backtracking (thanks, The Crazy) but now I'm feeling bad. I ask if she's ok. Again, something I shouldn't've done but...
And she doesn't respond. I know she read the text. She carries her phone with her as often as she carries her left foot.
A similar incident with her a month or so ago, when I tried to put some space between us for my sake, had her texting me with this:
"I didn't know I was overwhelming you. I will give you the space that you need. I won't text you until you text me first."
My instinctual nature has me rolling my eyes while The Crazy comes barreling in, feeling upset for noticing Friend twisting my words in such a way that I'm left to feel blame for her feelings.
But in the mean time I have to sit and wonder why in the world I am feeling guilted for being honest. The Type 3 in me honestly does not care as I am following what my body needs. I need time to be away. I need time to recharge.
But the concerned Type 2 in me keeps rearing her head and making me wonder if I've killed the friendship this time, because The Crazy makes brash assumptions like a boss.
**I do have to say that I contradict myself. I have times when I'm feeling terribly antisocial and therefore will go on facebook and will chat with my wonderful friends in the personality groups I follow. Somehow that heals me. Sometimes getting away from the world you're encompassed in for a couple hours helps you see your world from the outside.
But how can I say that to this friend who wants honesty but will more than likely see that I'm on facebook, "liking" and responding to mine and other's posts during my desire to be antisocial?
And also, I have two friends that have an incredible gift of getting me out of my funk. How must I explain that to her, when she talks with these friends and hears that during my time of being overwhelmed, that I was turning to them?
This is why we are so often lying, dancing around the truth, and avoiding.
People say, "If they can't accept you and what you're telling them, then they aren't your friends."
But if you were to put yourself in their shoes, would YOU be able to understand? Maybe they're more understanding than you are. Maybe they've had a rotten day and your words broke them. Maybe you would take the truth far harsher than your friend did.
I guess I don't really have an ending to this post as I have at times lied, given half-truths, avoided, and told the truth, mostly with the same response: a negative reaction.
I'll sum it up with this:
If you say you can take the truth, you better be prepared to take it when it's given. And if you can't take it when it's given, you better have a legit excuse of your own.
Shaming someone or guilt tripping them for believing they could be honest with you puts you in poor light, my friend, and now, you won't be so readily trusted.
**The Crazy talkin'
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