Body Issues

Body issues are real.

And just because someone is fit and healthy doesn't mean they are immune to body issues.

I can't tell you how much I envy any woman who can show off her body, in a swimsuit, with pride.

I remember being very young, stepping on my mother's scale (a usual occurrence I did) and seeing it say 74lbs. I would then look at the number 80 and think, "If I ever get to 80 pounds...." and while I don't remember exactly what I would say after that ("...I would just die" or "I would be so sad"), I just remember instantly feeling anxiety and a loss of control of my life and over my happiness.

Well, I don't recall what I did when I finally reached 80lbs but deep inside I knew it was bound to happen anyway.

A later memory takes me back to when I stepped on Mom's scale again, it saying I was 90-ish pounds and my mind would repeat the words "If I ever to get to 100 pounds..." with those same anxious feelings returning.

I remember being young and critiquing my body. I have a picture of me in a short skirt, taken around 9 or 10 years old. It was my best and worst piece of clothing. I loved it on some days, and on other days, I felt fat and disgusting when I looked at myself.

I had a friend once tell me I wouldn't understand what he was going through because he spent his whole life overweight and then lost the weight while I was only overweight while I was having kids and then lost the weight.

And while his pain may be different than mine, we both spent our life in a struggle we felt we could not hold any control of getting away from.

I honestly have no idea why and what started my weight issues and Body Dysmorphic Disorder at such a young age. I was never treated ill by my family and while siblings would tease here and there about my looks (I'm one of 7 children, teasing is what you're raised with!), I understood they were joking and didn't take their words seriously, as we weren't that kind of family to intentionally tear each other down.

This BDD took a turn for the worst when in high school I decided to no longer eat.
At the time I was 105 pounds.
My BMI is at the lowest point (18.6) before being considered "Underweight". If I lost a pound, I would have been.

I remember sitting in my room, listening to Ace of Base (respect) on a Sunday afternoon, starving.
I would suck on some pieces of candy to get me by.
This became a regular ritual of mine. If I were in my room, I was away from everyone, and especially away from food.

Thank God with the help of great parents, my church, and my counselor, I pulled through and was healthy again.

But in my mind I always carried around the mentality that I was a bigger girl and that my weight defined whether or not I had control in my life.

I'll stop there for now.
I am doing far better than I was, that's a fact and that I am grateful for.
I feel I understand why I went through all I did.
That's for another post.
But for now, come listen to me rant about the joy (read: annoyance) of having body issues.