I miss my kiddos being little.

Every time I see a picture of them as a baby or a toddler, I find myself fighting the sobs. Nevertheless, water will fill my eyes.

My kids will ask why I get emotional when I see these pictures.

I will say, "I cry because it makes me wish I could go back in time and hold you all, snuggle with you all real tight one last time...you have grown up so fast. I miss your littleness."

And while that is true...it's not the full truth.

What I really mean is:

I cry because it makes me wish I could go back and in time and first hold myself, tell myself to quit beating myself up over the fact that I felt like a terrible mother, an ugly wife, a miserable friend, a confused child of God due to an unknown anxiety that plagued me so fiercely I could barely function, on top of the wrong medication I was taking that had me a zombie.

Then I would hold my kids, hold them so tight; savoring the moment, a moment I felt too overwhelmed to take the time to do, and tell them just how precious they are to me and how proud I am of the people they have become and how everyday I feel honored to know I have the privilege of being their mom. 

I cry because these are all things I wish I could do, now that I'm outside of that old world, now that I have a different mindset. Now that I'm pain-free, anxiety-free and depression-free.

I'm showing you these pictures not because I feel that being overweight will make you miserable. I have full confidence that if I were leading a better life at this weight, I would have been truly happy, confident, and felt sexy in my own skin. Weight is a number....and no matter the number, it won't bring you any form of happiness, confidence, and feeling of beauty if you aren't doing all that you can not only for your body, but for the growth of your mind, heart, and soul.

Even at my lowest weight in life, I was unhappy and felt good for nothing.

But I cry because I remember how much I hated what I saw in the mirror. I hated that no matter how I did my hair or how I did my makeup, that it was all a bandaid to how miserable I was, forgetting that it was my heart and mind that needed help, not my looks.

I cry because I woke up depressed, every day, counting down the hours until the kids' bedtime just so I could stay up to a ridiculous hour, binge watching TV while binge eating until guilt had me finally crawling in bed, knowing that my day would start in just a few hours.

I cry because I didn't know that it was ok to say to those around you, "I need a break. I need your help. I need you to help me."

I cry because I didn't know that to love myself was what God not only wanted for me but wants for all of us and that to love yourself does not mean you'll become arrogant, vain, prideful.

I cry because I was so confused with how the path I felt I should continue on made me feel repressed and of little value, but was told may have some great reward in the end--if I make it and IF that's even true.

I cry because I felt I was measured best by living in a mold that didn't honor me.

And that I had no value if I didn't endure to the end in this mold.

I cry because I lost friends as I didn't understand how to show unconditional love. 

Because to love someone as they are, with no exceptions, was scary.

I cry because I tried fitting others into a mold which only showed them that I loved conditionally.

Finally, I cry because this mindset was of a person attempting to raise three kids, to teach them how to be the best little humans this planet needs; to love others as God loves them...and yet, I didn't even have the basics within me to stop and love them like I feel I should've.

But then, I stumble across photos like this:

 (July 2007)

And I'm reminded of God's tender mercies. How He helps us where we lack, how He takes control when we feel we can do no more. How He understands our mindset, and also our heart. How He sees that many of us are just doing the best we can, with what we know and with what we have.

And, in looking at my kiddos today, and in looking back on these past few years of finding my truth, and in turn, knowing how best to be present for my kiddos and to teach them the things of importance, I feel quite blessed.

I want to say, or shout if it helps, the importance of taking time for yourself. 

The importance of finding something that will help you know who you are.

The importance of turning inward and knowing the soul God created that resides in you.

The importance of not allowing fear to control your actions, or worse, to allow it to control how you live your life.

I can finally say that I'm happy. Truly happy.

And that every day is a gift.

I got to where I am at now through the pure grace of God.

I dunno if I ever cried to Him for help during those years, 

but He sure found it necessary to help me.

And He knew exactly how.

Through specific people that I have no doubt He put on my path.

And because of them, I cry.

And because of them, I had the courage to try.

To dare.

To be willing to put Him first, above all else.

And to be willing to dare to try what He tells me to do...regardless of how anyone will perceive it.

I'd be lying if I said it was easy. It has been hard as hell at times. It has been hard to break poor conditions, degrading mindsets,  manipulative relationships, learning to say no, learning the importance of putting myself first, learning to cut people from your life who strive to hold you back, learning that some people only love you to an extent and the after that, push you away...

...just like I used to do.

And with each sunset, my heart cries (if I don't openly). 

Because I was given another chance to see life how God wants all His children to.

I don't even know where to start.

And therefore I already know this will be all over the place.

If you can follow this,

and if you read it all,

you're a rock star.

If you can't,

or don't want to,

I won't be offended.

Consider this post being your mind

all

the

time

.

And people wonder why I have nights of insomnia.

Anyways,

Sometimes I think that everyone who reads my blog knows my history...my history with DYT (Dressing Your Truth), that is.

Not that I have much of a history. But what little I do have, I just assume everyone knows.

Kinda like when the friend you haven't talked to in months is all, "Yeah the packing really is stressing me out since I'm struggling finding affordable movers."

and you're all, "Wait. Movers? Affordable ones? Hold on, you moving? Since when? Where?"

(Does this only happen to me?)

I digress.

But for those who don't know my history, let me bring you up to speed:

Once upon a time I was originally calling myself The Type 3 Woman as, with the help of "It's Just My Nature" by Carol Tuttle, I realized that I was of the Type 3 personality, with a secondary Type 2 instead of the Type 2/secondary 4 I forced myself to live into my whole life. 

If you don't know what Dressing Your Truth is, it's a personality system, plus. It helps you find your personality (or "truth" or "nature") and with it, your sense of style.

There's four different Types of personalities and while we have all of them, we have a dominant Type and secondary Type. Here's a very brief summary of each Type:

Type 1

Element: Air

Keywords: bright and animated

Colors that look best on those with this Type: Pure hues mixed with white

Type 2

Element: Water

Keywords: subtle and soft

Colors that look best: Pure hues mixed with grey

Type 3

Element: Fire

Keywords: rich and dynamic

Colors that look best: Pure hues mixed with black/brown

Type 4

Element: Earth

Keywords: bold and striking

Colors that look best: Pure hues

That book changed my whole perspective on myself, others, and the world. It was revolutionary. I wanted to shout the system Carol Tuttle created from the rooftops.

And I did.

And

here's the rest.

And now I'm just "The Type Woman".

The end.

Actually, I'm "Ladee Lyon"....Ladee, meaning Lady; and Lyon, lion being the animal that is best associated with the Type 3 person.

So,

Although I've become indifferent with the system, I've stuck with DYT as the mold for how I should dress and what colors to wear. It helped me see that I could, in fact, be a red head, although I've had people all my life tell me that I could be. 

But, in my mind DYT was a perfect system--while regular people with opinions on fashion are flawed--and now that I had the "truth" I could dye my hair and have the freedom to rock it.

True to my Type 3 nature, after a while I got a little tired of the system. I wanted to honor it, but I also didn't want to feel tied down to it, giving me space to honor myself. This system gave me freedom to be authentically me, so I should be allotted that freedom, however I choose, right?

Some would say no...

...because some like following set rules, keeping life in the black and white;
where there's a hope for guaranteed exactness.

Sometimes I would find myself frustrated that that red sweater that hangs in my closet is more of a Type 2 red than a Type 3.

"Heck, I'd take a Type 4 red over this color as that would match my outfit better than this thing," I hissed to myself one Sunday morning.

I found many instances where I was frustrated with colors. "Why can't this shirt just be a tad warmer?" I'd say to myself. "If it were, it could probably pass as Type 3."

"Add warmth. Just add warmth!"

It got to wear I didn't care what Type it was, if it was warm toned, I'd take it.

But there's brown.

Freakin' brown.

For a color that I should look phenomenal in, as Type 3 colors are nothing but pure hues dirtied by brown...

...how all Type 3 colors harmonize with brown...

I never look good in it.

And believe me, I tried. And I tried to force myself to believe I look great in that color, honoring my truth and all....ignoring the obvious because inside I felt DYT had to be gospel truth, in all aspects.

^For the record, this is more of a green-brown and honestly isn't bad at all--I don't wear brown much anymore and therefore don't have any pics of me in that color. I am wearing it in this video though.

The fact that brown didn't work on me irked me just right, on top of what other people have told me in confidence about DYT and how they have felt bullied by a bunch of mean girls in the Facebook groups (the mean girls being Carol and her team), I stepped back from the system, from acknowledging it online, and found DYT to be just a guideline, but still something fun to chat with friends about.

Instead, I did what one friend told me she does every morning:

Dressed the mood.

I used to think this was a sorry excuse to wear whatever you want, saying you're too good for the rules.

A rule breaker.

Rule bender, more like.

And I've found that it is.

And I liked it.

I liked looking at my clothes and saying, "Ya know, I'm feeling this bright blue shirt so, I'm gonna wear it."

The problem I had with that...

...was that there are some pieces that just wouldn't look good on me. 

No matter how much I was in the "mood" to wear it.

Like this shirt.

Guys, 

I love this shirt.

I love this blue color.

I love the contrast it is to the white logo in front.

I love how it fits.

But

It washes me out.

And while you can't tell in this pic (below)

I could. In other pictures that were taken of me in this shirt, it was even more obvious.

Don't even ask how many layers of eyeshadow I put on my lids to try to create a cohesiveness from face to shirt...and it still didn't work.

Yet, I still enjoyed "dressing the mood".

My biggest issue in dressing the mood was finding the right makeup to match.

For instance, this dress here.

I love this dress. I love this whole outfit. But I haven't worn it in months because I grew tired of the eyeshadow I had to wear so that I would look cohesive.

If you want to know my secrets to my style (it's different for everyone!), I use three words:

COHESIVE, this is most important, your style must look pleasing to the eye.

POP, in accessories, color or hair.

and your finished product needs to be WOW.

You see,

some people can wear a cool colored top while wearing warm colored eyeshadow and they don't have a care in the world.

Me,

it drives me insane.

I must match what I wear to an extent.

No, the purple top doesn't need an exact purple eyeshadow.

But it's gotta look aesthetically pleasing!

And since my go-to shadows didn't match this incredible dress, I used a dollar store palette that I like, but truly doesn't work on me....

...unless I'm wearing this dress.

Why should I have a palette of makeup for one piece of clothing that I will wear a handful of times a year?

But again, this outfit, 

eyeshadow included, 

cohesive and all, 

would have me catching myself in the mirror and going, "something doesn't look right."

Maybe I'll change the jacket next time, maybe I'll find better eyeshadow....

I'm always so determined to make clothing work that I hold on to everything until I've exhausted all options and then throw it out angrily, frustrated in my dashed hopes of finding a way to make this piece work for me.

Besides-the-point side note: I told my mom, "I would love to live the minimalist lifestyle--" before catching myself "--except for my clothes. I want to keep all my clothes...aaaaannnd makeup."

One thing I didn't understand, being a Type 3 woman who, 

according to DYT says we intuitively know our fashion, 

and to be fair, the system is right as I am in love with rich, earthy colors, chunky jewelry and accessories, the look of the messy (which I hear that's a Type 1 thing? I swear it works for the 3s),

is that,

I love high contrast, even though I can't pull it off like some friends of mine.

So, naturally, I found ways to make it work.

Usually I have to tone it down with a sweater, or even better,

a denim jacket. #texture

I love how I can break the rules of DYT through sweaters, jackets, and accessories.

Maybe all Types can do that?

The Type 3s can. If you ask me.

Funny thing is,

When I'd mention to fellow DYT friends how I'm well aware I'm not dressing my "truth", I would hear them respond to me with possible reasons as to why I could wear certain colors that don't match the Type 3 system.

I just had to understand the other fashion systems that were out there.

I didn't even know there were such things, once upon a time.

Using Personal Color Analysis and Body Type Systems, friends said, will back up my choice in what I wear...therefore proving that I'm indeed dressing intuitively.

Please Google if you don't understand what I'm referring to...but beware: you'll find yourself with millions of pages to read from, full of information on how to dress your best, helping you know how to dress in way that will have people understanding and honoring you, simply by using your

skin coloring

your body shape

your height

your personality

your hair color

your eye color

your vein color

and the list goes on.

It's all a worm hole. But a fun one! One that I like to dive into every now and then.

I found I was running to these systems just to find justification in the clothing that I wore.

Which, in typing this, sounds so silly.

(Literally shaking my head at this moment.)

Ladee, just wear that stupid shirt! Who cares, really?

Maybe this is a stemming from childhood. You know, we do the things we do because of how we were raised, right?

So when you are told from childhood to do this,

do that

believe in this

don't believe in that

that is good

that is bad,

it's hard to not see a system you enjoy 

the same way.

So when a system didn't fit right with me, and by this time I'm right sick of changing who I am to fit a mold of any kind,

I would find another system.

And after a while, I found that I was picking and choosing bits from all systems.

One quote I find rattling out of my mouth far too often lately is "take the best and leave the rest".

Take what honors you, what resonates with you, and let go of everything else...

...for you'll only beat yourself over the head if you try to embrace what doesn't.

But part of me still felt there had to be an exact system that would work.

I honestly consider myself to be so basic that there had to be some system out there that worked for me. I'm nothing special when you compare me to others.

Just.

Basic.

So I went with the basics!

Personal Color Analysis.

I had myself "draped".

This is where a Color Analysis professional drapes different colored fabrics on you, to see what colors harmonize with your skin, leaving you to look refreshed, clear, and youthful (at least I hoped so).

Made all the sense in the world.

The one problem that I noticed, which I don't think was a real problem to the professional, but it seemed to be an annoyance for me

was my red hair.

Don't get me wrong, I love my red hair. 

But

I felt as though that became the issue as to finding what colors truly look most harmonizing on me.

Here I've been told all my life that I could be a red head.

DYT backed that up.

And, here I am, loving being that.

To go back to basics, I found, was technically to go back to my virgin hair.

Something I don't really want to do.

Here's a picture with my natural hair showing at the roots.

Because of this, I found that the colors that may look best on me, were being divided into two different categories.

Or "Seasons", rather.

Bear with me on this as I explain. I'm no expert. I've only known about these systems for a few years and am still very much unknowing.

I'll try my darnedest to give you a very condensed understanding:

Just as we have Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter, Personal Color Analysis systems have differing hues/tints/tones/shades of colors that one can wear and categorizes them in these "Seasons".

To put it in short:

Winter: bold, clear colors - pure hues (I call them "staight-outta-the-Crayola-box" colors)

Spring: Easter egg colors - pure hues mixed with white

Summer: muted colors - pure hues mixed with grey

Autumn: earthy colors - pure hues mixed with black (or brown)

To add to the confusion, these seasons have varying levels of bright, soft, warm, and deep subcategories. And each Personal Color Analysis system may use different names (for instance, Bright Spring in one system is the same as Clear Spring in another and I confuse them all the effing time).

I'm going to take a stab at naming some of them. I'm going to fail (forgive me), but to give you a general idea of these Seasons and the magnitude of them, here goes.

There's:

Light Spring, Warm Spring, Bright/Clear Spring

Light Summer, True/Soft Summer, Dark/Deep Summer

Warm Autumn, Soft Autumn, Dark/Deep Autumn

Bright Winter, Soft Winter, Dark/Deep Winter

My draping, although my hair was covered, had those in the draping room stuck between two Seasons:

The one I thought I was, the one friends thought I was,

 Soft Autumn

and the one that may really be,

Soft Summer

I was a conundrum.

I wondered if the decision boiled down to my hair. While I don't believe so, I understood it was a key factor that those draping me knew I wouldn't change...at least for the present time.

"Well, because of your red hair, you could probably pull off Soft Autumn," I was told. "Is that what you want, to be a Soft Autumn?"

"No", I said back. "I want to know what looks most harmonizing with me." Remember, basics? 

I wanted to know if that darn pink shirt that I pull out of my closet on a whim is indeed going to be an effortless part of a fluid morning, not a morning where I'm stuck trying to figure out how to add accessories and the right makeup to make it look good on me...only to find myself frustrated with it all until I either change my top or tell myself to deal with it and feel awkward the rest of the day.

So the Soft Autumn drapes go back on, a pause to look at me, a pause to find harmonizing between face and colors and I'd get a YES, 

the drapes come off and the Soft Summer goes on, pause to look at me, pause to see harmonizing, and I get another YES, and so this repeated a couple more times.

I continued as a conundrum, until finally

Soft Summer was decided.

When the idea of me being a Soft Summer came up in the draping, I must admit, I felt deflated. While some of the colors do look incredible on me and I found myself dreaming of wearing a fancy, fitting, long satin dress in that wine color, I saw these colors on the whole as boring.

"I feel like these colors make me blend into the background while Soft Autumn gave me that WOW factor, that POP...but you know, maybe I can wow with these colors. I think I just need to tinker with them a bit, let the palette soak in," I mentioned to Mom. Mom, an unbiased perspective.

Surprisingly, I found I already had many pieces of clothing in Soft Summer, but I thought they were Soft Autumn. So that was a plus.

And Soft Summer's brown is like my new favorite color.

A greyed, purpley brown. Stunning.

So I put faith in the basics.

And found I really liked it, and others praised it too.

(Note: Due to the lighting I use when taking these photos, the colors appear brighter/more saturated than they truly are. I always attempt to correct them before posting.)

This worked well for my day-to-day outfits...as all I wear is a T-shirt and jeans.

But this didn't work so well when it came to the days where I did dress up.
In that case I would dress the mood.

And then, I found myself growing dissatisfied.

More like, unhappy.

After a while I realized that I didn't like going by only the basics.

And that while I really liked the colors of my Season, I felt it didn't truly match ME.

My whole essence.

For such muted, dull, semi-rich colors,

I felt my personality wasn't those adjectives.

Which then had me going back to DYT.

The Type 3 woman wears rich colors, rich autumn, earthy colors.

But according to professionals, those don't look correct on me.

So is DYT right in the sense that it doesn't matter if your type's colors match your coloring as it's better the colors match your energy?

I was starting to think so.

But I knew I wouldn't be happier fitting myself back into that box either.

I like knowing that I have a Season of colors that harmonize with my coloring.

And I'd like to add that to my DYT Type's coloring and style.

But with the freedom to wear what I damn well please and when I want to.

This has been quite a journey.

A journey of self discovery.

Of spiritual discovery.

A journey of self love.

While this post probably sounds like I've been a lost soul, escaping into the depths of DYT, PCA and other systems, I can't say that you're wrong. But I don't necessarily think you're right either.

I've had an incredible amount of fun and excitement on this journey. It never got depressing or obsessive for me, it was all bit by exciting bit

and to put this post into perspective, I'm recollecting the last four or five years to you all.

But in this process, I found me. My whole truth.

It's almost as though I found me at the same time I realized how I feel about all this.

Hmmm, interesting, actually.

The timing in that.

My findings: these systems are all wonderful guidelines that I will keep tucked within the file folder of my mind, to pull out when I find it necessary.

But for the rest, I'm using the talents I have within. And to be fair, these systems helped aid in gaining and increasing these talents. I guess you could say that I've gone from dressing the mood to dressing with heart.

I don't like hindering my style and fashion to a measly set of colors or designs when there's a vast amount of all.

I mention, time and again, how much I love colors. How I literally love standing in front of walls of paint swatches and absorbing all the colors around me. There's a happiness that words will never do justice for, that fills my heart and soul at that moment I look around at the gradients.

So why should I forgo the majority of them just because I'm told they don't look good on me?

I feel that would be shaming the talent God gave me. That I'm not using it to its full potential, acting as though I know better about His gift, by using systems that were made with the best of intentions, but maybe aren't the systems that are meant for me to live solely by.

Take the best, leave the rest, and baby, use your heart.

For Christmas, my friend Jami surprised me with this palette.

Because she's the best.

Because she seems to have this knack to know what colors would look great on me.

Because she firmly believes that some of the best makeup you can find is at the drugstore.

I agree with her on that one...only because I've never bought expensive makeup to compare. #Cheap With the vast amount of makeup knowledge she has, I'll take her word.

Ain't this purdy?

I've worn no other eyeshadows since opening the package. I'm sold. I'm committed. Give me these colors for the rest of my life and I won't sway from them.

I considered doing make up videos using this palette on my channel, but for whatever reason, I can't seem to motivate myself.

Actual Reason: The past makeup videos I have done I've been grossly unimpressed with how I portray myself.

I come off sloppy, unintelligent, distracted...even though those three words make great adjectives to my day-to-day life, that doesn't mean I need to be like that on camera, for crying out loud. 

#MotherOf3

(#WasLikeThisBeforeChildren)

But then another part of me is all, "Well, you're being REAL, so."

...so, in other words, I may do these makeup looks in the future, on my channel.

#TheStruggleIsReal

But for now I'm going to show you how to make a subtle, but sexy, smoky eye, using three colors from this palette.

If you'd like to see a video of me with this exact look, click here! In this video I talk about how I create the perfect eyebrow color to match my red hair; answering my most frequently asked question.

Do you have this palette?

What are your thoughts?

What are your favorite colors?

I think too much.

But then again, I can't fathom a life of not thinking. Granted I know we all think, but I have no idea how it feels to make a quick decision with little consideration as to how this thought came to be, how it will affect me, and how it will affect my future.

The other day I was thinking about destiny.
Yep, just plain, old, what-will-come-out-of-my-life destiny.

I had this thought and sent it to a friend:

"Destiny. I wonder how our angels feel when they know that the destiny has to change...maybe they have known, all along, that what you thought your destiny was, really isn't to happen."

My friend came back with:

"It must be part of the plan. Maybe seeing the possibility of (this destiny) will motivate (one) to pursue it for (themselves)."

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know why I'm sitting here, at all. All I know is that my butt is glued to this chair and I feel a desire to write, as though being prompted to even though I have no idea what this blog post is to be about and how it'll end.

How often do we fight for our destiny? Do we assume that our destiny is something that just happens? Destiny seems like a word that is used when looking at the past, as though we have no control over it:

"It was our destiny to meet."
"It must be destiny that I got this job, because..."
"Destiny had me moving to..."

Can't we control our destiny?

Many would say yes, I assume. I've only seen hundreds of picture-quotes littering my Facebook newsfeed these past several years, as well as scattered among the walls of those I follow on Instagram, on this very subject. See here for more.

So that must mean that we know we can choose our own destiny, much like the Choose Your Own Adventure books...we choose and there's always another choice down the road, until we die (to which then we'll backtrack and choose another option to keep us living a little longer. LOL, or was that just me?).

In looking at Google images at all the destiny picture quotes that I linked above, my eye caught this one, maybe because it's listed first. Maybe because it's in bold. Maybe because it's simple and profound:

This leaves me with two thoughts...do you choose your destiny, or do you live and let destiny choose itself?

How would you answer this?

Before I do, I would like to share something. My friend lost her close friendship with another due to a small misunderstanding. The summer then happened, where they were apart for three months, and when they got back together, everything was off and awkward and *painful*. My friend has spent many hours talking with me about this, in torment of the situation at hand, wanting nothing more than her friend back. In tears she'd ask me:

"Why did this have to happen?"
"What could I have done to change it?"
"What can I do to make it better?"
"Why does everything I try, not work?"

In the quiet moment of her tears, a thought popped in my head. Words that I didn't want to say, words that had me worrying I'm the worst giver of advice, spewed out. "Sweetie, I have a feeling that no matter what--misunderstanding with your friend or not--this was meant to be the outcome. That puts you in a frustrating situation. So you must move forward, knowing that all the love you have for your friend, won't change the past...but you can move forward and choose whether to keep fighting for this friendship, or let this friend go, in love. And maybe, hopefully, the friendship will return. But you always make sure they know you still care for them."

I like the idea of choosing your destiny. I like the idea that destiny could be changed when the heart of one has. I like the idea that destiny could be changed when we choose to let go of things that don't honor us and search for what does. I like the idea that destiny can be more tangible than just the thought, "I'll live my life and what will be, will be."

I like too, the idea of fighting for your destiny. Of looking at your options and saying that you want none of it, but will fight for what's right for you, no matter the costs, no matter what person or circumstance holds you back. That's admirable. That's inspirational. Those are the people I look up to.

I want to choose my destiny. I want to fight for it as well. I want to believe that I can know my destiny too.

I guess that's all I wanted to say. :)





 P.S. (Found this with the Google Image search. I love it!)

I had no idea there was such a thing as a "truth seeker". It kinda stinks how many times I've gone through something, thinking I was utterly alone in this process or journey and come to find that many have been there, done that, and have a whole slew of helpful advice to give.

I often wonder if part of God's plan is for me to feel completely alone so I know to lean on Him instead of a person. While leaning on people is more tangible and many times my answers are given to me sooner, I've found that not always am I comfortable with the answers from a person, even if they make the most sense or if I later on, down the road, follow that advice given. I have found that fully trusting my Lord and Savior and listening to God for what is best in my life, that the answers and guidance I am given are of His perfect timing for me. I do understand that I may lean on friends and family for answers and they may have the right ones, ones that I need to store away within my mind and heart to resurface when God feels I am ready to embrace them.

I used to think it was so easy to just do what I was told. For in doing what I was told, I didn't have to think about whether it was right or wrong nor did I have to worry about the consequences because there shouldn't be any if I'm being a good girl. And if there were consequences then surely they wouldn't be mine to bear, but the person who told me to do them had to carry it. It seemed like the perfect way to live.

In shrinking myself to fit into a mold that worked for my life as well as didn't bother those around me, I found I didn't grow at all, but only regressed. During years where I should've known myself better and should've flourished, I became less and less certain as to who I was.

"I'm a daughter of God," I would tell myself. "That is enough."

And I hoped I was right.

But in time those words became meaningless. I'm a daughter of God...of a being that I didn't even know existed other than the fact that people told me He did. I figured there had to be a God as I've witnessed many miracles, been saved from self starvation, mutilation, sleep deprivation and my suicidal thoughts.

Yet, I still didn't know Him. I felt like He was some being behind a curtain; anonymous. I couldn't understand that I could believe in His power while not even sure I knew who He was. I was taught to fear Him. And while people can give a clearer definition of what it means to "fear God", I literally feared His power; feared that any wrong move could have me losing my salvation, that that seat in heaven that had my name on it, would be empty and on display for all to see....all because I didn't choose to do what I was told.

I figured him being anonymous and behind a curtain must've meant I was doing ok (ya know, the whole "no news is good news" mindset) and was far better than going to hell with his wrath like an elevator of fire, taking me there.

It bothered me when I would try to think outside the box that this mold placed me in, that I got a raised brow, a concerned look, or a lecture on why I must stay within his box, within this mold, because this is what keeps me safe.

And, from what I sadly realized, all the urging to remain in this mold was led by nothing but fear. Fear from the most well-intended, loving people...if not from myself.

I've heard people ask what we would do if we had no fear. I'd hear people answer, "I'd finally go skydiving!" or "I'd stand up to the person that held me down all these years!" I'd find my mind running to the freedom of knowing my own truth, without anything to hold me back. I'd consider the liberation it would feel to know my own path, my own knowledge of this life, to finally feel like I'm not a walking Picasso painting. For while this mold I held myself in "worked", my truth wanted to shine through and because I would suppress myself, I became plagued with crippling anxiety.

I remember telling my husband nine years ago, "I feel like a walking germ...I feel like my insides are filthy and that people are going to sense and feel that filth and that it's gonna rub off of them!" Sitting close to someone was agony. I would cry inside, "I just showered! My hair and makeup is done! My clothes are neat and modest! Why do I feel so damn dirty! People must be seeing all this filth! Why must this person sit by me, knowing I'm so gross?"

Hindsight is a beautiful, yet tragic thing, right? Why must we have hindsight to learn? Why can't we know all the answers in the moment?

One of my favorite quotes is, "Life if understood backwards but must be lived forwards."

.....why is that my favorite quote? Because it's freakin' true. God rarely tells me anything in the exact moment it happens or in my forward thinking. Not once have I heard God say, "Hey, you may wanna grab an extra gallon of milk because your friend Tami is going to need it in a few days when her husband is out of town, her car is broken down, and she's got two sick kids." No, it's usually comes in the form of, "Oh, you may be out of milk, why don't you buy an extra gallon, just in case...and look, milk is on sale this week, whaddya know?" And so even though I come home to find that I was wrong, that I indeed have more milk than I need, it was still the segue to getting my friend that milk and His answering her prayers.

But anyways...back to hindsight and the wonderful/terrible thing that it is:

In hindsight I understand now the reason I literally felt like a Picasso painting on top of a walking pigpen. My mold was no longer (if it ever was) honoring me. I fought hard to be in this mold. But the true heart and soul of me was fighting to come out too.

But that fear.

Fear is so real. I didn't know what would happen if I stepped out of this mold while searching to know who I was. "I am a daughter of God. That is enough," would be the foundation I was hoping that I stood on as I slowly stepped out. I felt like the child who had the floaties removed from their arms before being placed in the water to swim. I felt at times like I had nothing to grab on to and worried that I was going to sink (sink into the depths of hell--my salvation was on the line, remember?) and when that became too scary, I ran back into the mold which began to be too small for me.

Just as we try to stretch out those darn jeans the moment they come out of dryer and many times we're successful it making them work, my mold was the same way, until I realized my spirit, heart and soul had become too big to fit into it anymore.

Now I must tread water, with nothing to hold on to when things get tough.

And times did. Moments were confusing. Situations became unbearable. Where must I go and who am I? What are these new emotions that I'm feeling? Who is going to give me the answers I need?

And then I heard Him. And He reminded me:

"I am a daughter of God. That is enough."

Yes! That's it. I am going to be a true daughter of my God. I'm going to give Him my life, my heart and soul, and let Him make my mold and let Him be the box that I think within.

Suddenly this anonymous Being behind the curtain came forward. Suddenly this Being came nearer to me as I drew nearer to Him. Suddenly He was giving me answers to questions and calming the confusions within me and turning them into clarity. This Being had become my anchor, my strength, my life, my companion, and we are a team.

In all relationships there is a give and take. And usually with a great relationship you don't tally that give and take as it's a constant flow of both.

I feel I take much from God. I feel He tells/shows me much and I just soak it in, trying to do my best to keep up and do what He would have me do. Many times I feel as though my giving to Him pales in comparison to how much He gives me. And during one quiet moment of reflection, when I thought about how much God gives me and how much I give back and how unequal it is, He whispered something to me and it made perfect sense...and to sum up what he said is found in this image I fell upon, a few days later:

(source: unknown, but thank you for creating it)

A true relationship is built on love. What God wants is that we are in a committed relationship to Him so He can give you that commitment back. I promise you that He will never have you doing anything that is not true within you. He knows your level of comfort and He knows your heart. You must trust Him in that.

Remember too, He hears you and will follow your lead, it's not all Him doing and you following! He will trust you! He will answer you and give you what you ask if your heart is in the right place. This should be a true relationship, a team. You work alongside each other. It's unconditional give and take, push and pull; a perfect balance.

You must trust that He's going to guide you down paths that are seemingly lonely. But you'll never be alone. You must trust that when someone tells you a "truth" and your gut churns, that it's not your truth to keep, that it's not the truth He wants you to own. And He especially doesn't want you to force it as your truth because it's either not or it's not the right time for it to be your truth. Remember, His timing is perfect and there's no bus to catch, so quit feeling like you have fallen behind when comparing yourself to others.

I read a quote about how nature is never rushed. I think about the two walnut trees in my front yard that I frankly wish weren't there (let's get real here, fall time sucks around here with all the yard work these leaves/acorns have us doing). The one on the right loses it's leaves and acorns first and then a few weeks later, the left one joins in. Same for the Spring, the right one produces leaves far before the left. And yet, they're still a part of mother nature and they're still within their season.

I think about how much God doesn't want to rush us. How much free agency we truly do have, especially when we choose to follow Him, and give Him our heart. He made us and therefore knows our speed with growth, and knows what best suits our life.

I have often wondered if what God truly wants is for us to give Him our heart. If everything in this universe is created by Him and everything falls under the direction of Him....of all His creations, He gave us CHOICE....

What if all He wants is our decision to follow Him (*our heart*)? And not man?

It sounds so oppressive to say that I'm only going to follow God when it's been quite the contrary. I've never been happier. I've never felt more free. I see God as a loving parent, sitting back and watching His child dance and twirl around in front of Him, laughing and smiling. I see Him as this parent that lets this child dance to their heart's content, not choreographing their next move to make it "better", but allowing them full self expression in this moment, and loving them all the more for it.

God wrote us, created us, built us with a perfect mind and perfect hands. He wants you to be true to yourself. He wants you to find that truth with Him. He wants to help you discover the masterpiece He made you to be.

Maybe *this* is true salvation.

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Here's a couple posts that I would like to share about Truth Seekers. Please read them both if you have the time. LOL, OK, I'm a hypocrite because I just scanned these pages. Whoops. Scan them if you have the time then! ;)

And I hope that if you are seeking your own truth, that you know that you're not alone and that if I can't help you, I pray the links below can.

https://100fold.wordpress.com/2010/12/29/characteristics-of-a-truth-seeker-part-1/
https://100fold.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/characteristics-of-a-truth-seeker-part-2/