Do you ever have that ONE THING that stops you dead in your tracks, gets you choked up to near tears, even in the midst of being among far too many strangers, and has you looking at your life from a different perspective?
That was me yesterday.
My friend's little girl's birthday is coming up next week. How I not only love my friend for a novel of reasons I could give, but her little girl has a spirit that warms my soul and just has my heart melting every time I see her.
This little girl is having a big birthday. It's an age she's been looking forward to for quite some time.
I am one who firmly believes to keep a journal, or a blog, or a vlog, whatever means you can to document your life, sweetheart, you should do it.
I also believe a good way to kickstart a new time in one's life is to buy a new journal.
So I went to the store, looking for one for this little girl.
The great thing about journals is that it doesn't matter what you write in it. It really doesn't. And who says you have to WRITE?! Buried deep within my closet are several journals of mine with not only journal entries, but letters never sent to those who have hurt me (for therapeutic reasons), letters to God, poems about love, hurt, and loss of friendship, and also...ART. Sure, my drawings are a far cry from jaw-droppingly beautiful, but to me, at that precise moment in time, they were the masterpiece that depicted what words could not.
^^Which is why I still find having a physical journal more important than a digital one, in case you were gonna say something about that.
I had to get the right journal for this girl. It had to be the right colors, it had to scream her name and be a perfect representation of her, as I want this journal to be a part of her.
But as I was looking through the small bookshelf of journals, I stumbled across one that did not scream her name, but screamed for my attention.
Cue the choking up, the tears, and cue the camera while I take a crooked, sloppy picture that I had to photoshop before putting on here:
I have been considering for a few days now to do a video on Boundaries. Actually, I wanted to do a video about how to have a healthy relationship with others when I realized that it all boiled down to boundaries and therefore, I've been thinking of nothing since.
This same friend whose daughter's birthday is coming up was discussing with me in mid-Autumn about a book she was reading on boundaries.
I didn't think much of it, other than the fact that for her, I thought that was a wonderful idea as I understood why she would need to set these boundaries.
But these past many months I have been worn out, and as you might have read a few posts back, I just feel buried with this job I have. It doesn't help too that I went into this job with all the negative emotions one like me could conjure within.
And stupidly, it was only a couple weeks ago when I actually decided that I can't do this all on my own but that I needed God's help. I firstly kicked myself for being so stupid as to not have asked for His help in the first place. Instead of me asking for help, I realized I was doing more of, "Could you just make this-and-this happen?" or "You know, it would be really great if I could get out of this job...." and along with that, I would give God ideas as to what He could do to make this all just a bit easier on me.
Selfish. That's what I've been. Only thinking of me, and turning to God like I was entitled to have Him listen and go, "Sure Ladee, your wish is my command."
I was driving home from the gym a couple weeks ago, still dark as night at six in the morning when I asked a question I am certain God knew was coming, "Dear Heavenly Father... I need your help. Will you please give me the strength to do what I need to do as well as the knowledge to know what Thou would have me do in this job?" I then went on about why I'm asking for this help, even though I laugh to myself as He's spent the last nine months hearing my complains anyway, so this was no new news to Him.
I park my car in front of the house, end my prayer, knowing that I needed to leave this in His hands now (read: I needed to quit my complaining from here on out), and went on with my morning of getting the kids ready for school, showering, getting ready for the day, and whatever other errands I had planned.
And stupidly again, I figured God would suddenly give me this superhuman strength to be strong and immovable, to tell people what to do without hesitation and especially without feeling guilt, to make assignments without feeling like I'm burdening others, to be able to spring out of bed singing like I'm a member of the Von Trapp family for my early morning meetings, to just suddenly own this President cap, know what the heck I'm doing, and wear it with pride.
And then came Tuesday. Just two days ago. Though I could swear several weeks had passed.
To cut shorter this already long post, I realized that my boundaries have been ignored. Not by others, but by ME and my allowance of overlooking my borders because I find myself to be less than the value of another or less than the issues a friend or two may be having at the time.
This same friend once told me, "Ladee, you feel too much. You carry too much the thoughts and feelings of others. It's a gift of yours, but it's also a curse. You have to know when this is being a gift and when it's not. Your curse is that you concern yourself too much to the thoughts and feelings of how others view you. You can't change that and you know better than to change you. So let that go so that your gift can remain a GIFT."
She was also referring to me saying "yes" to things that will overwhelm me when I worry what saying "no" will do.
HOWEVER: I must give myself some credit. I am far better than I was. Far better.
My journal entry this morning said this:
All in all, I'm good, really. But if you break me down into pieces, my heart is a mess from anxiety, my stomach hasn't had an appetite in days, and my mind is running a mile a minute with things I need to do.
I'm not complaining as I know it'll be over soon enough.
I need to get back to where I feel in control with myself. Like a realignment or something. I'm tired of feeling like I'm OK and then waking up with anxiety. I'm tired of feeling like I have control of things, only to get a vibe like I'm not. I'm tired of just worrying...about *everything*.
I'm tired of feelings people's vibes and having them affect me. I know people think things about me but I can no longer allow myself to care. For if someone thinks they can do a better job than me, I'd be happy to have them take it off my hands and yet, no one wants to.
I just want my freedom back.
Today is the day I've decided I have to be true to myself before I can be true to others. To rebuild my boundaries so that I can have the spiritual/inner safety I need to give me back my sense of freedom. To which I can THEN give my desired effort to this job and be good at it. While proofreading this paragraph makes me cringe, as I know the value of another and know their needs are important, I must see MY VALUE TOO.
I used to be told by my peers that I have no freedom because I live by "rules". And maybe for some, that's true. But for me, and in my opinion, having proper guidelines and boundaries in your life will set you free. A happy balance of when to say yes and when to say no.
Freedom, there is nothing better.
How do you choose to have freedom in your life? How do you acquire it?
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