Socrates said, "Thou shouldst eat to live, not live to eat".
My life has been a mix of both.
And I am certain almost every human being has been the same at one point in their life or another.
I've lived through moments where food was in control, and moments where I controlled food, including to the extreme.
Anorexia to Binge Eating Disorder to both.
All control, or none.
(2000, in recovery.)
(2008)
I look back on my life and see how much the thought of food has been a demonic companion of mine; whispering lies in my ear that I was clearly well aware of, but bending my mind such until it won. Scene change and you'll find me hastily making brownies and consuming almost all of it (if I hadn't finished it after the batter was made, claiming if I got Salmonella that it would have been worth it) or running to either a fast food place or the store and buying whatever it was I was craving at that moment.
I've never had a healthy relationship to food.
This past year some members in my family have taken on a healthy regimen and weekly we will update each other on our progress.
The other day a family member shared:
"Weigh in: I weighed myself on Monday and was down 1.5
lbs, which shocked me because I've been a super slacker lately.... I didn't care to weigh
myself this morning (Wednesday) because I binged on tons of junk last night, got sick to my
stomach, and soon wallowed away in self pity. :( I'm so mad at myself...I
know better and I know where my life will go if I don't whip myself back into
shape. I will be MISERABLE and I can't go there again! I just can't!
"My complaints were this: I'm sick of eating the same dang (healthy) food all the time, I
hate tracking and I don't want to do it for the rest of my life, why can't I
just eat whatever and not have it affect me like how it is with (some) women!? Bottom line is...I am BORED with (healthy eating). It's a pain
in the butt to follow, especially for the rest of your life...
"BUT
"I have to keep telling myself that I HAVE to do it or I will be
miserable...just like how I feel right now. Sick, fat, and no confidence. :( Anything that's worth
having you have to work hard for, it's just life and I need to quit whining and
find joy in it again. Who else is with me!? Let's do this!!! Let's give each
other ideas on how to find the joy and motivation again! We CAN do it! And if
we fall, we gotta forgive ourselves, sincerely, pick ourselves back up and keep
going!"
Reading this post threw me back to the many mornings I felt exactly like my family member did. Why did I eat so much, knowing I was gonna feel like crap later, and still did it? Almost every night I would buy the large bags of PB M&Ms (the 18oz bag and if I'm not mistaken that was about 2800 calories) and eat all of it, in one sitting. It was my reward after surviving what I felt like was another a long day with the kids. I then decided to cut out chocolate because maybe that would help me get healthy again.
Nope. I replaced the PB M&Ms with a whole bag of powdered donuts.
(Source)
I used to think that because I overcame anorexia, that it was a free pass to eat as often as I wanted. I hated how my clothes got tighter, how I was exhausted constantly, and how sad I was...but it had to be better than before, right? But where's the control I had before? Why can't I find even a smidgen of that control and use it to eat better?
I would then force myself to go hours without eating until I couldn't take it anymore, tell myself I'd have a small sandwich and before I knew it, was consuming my third Nutella and PB sandwich and now onto making a box of mac and cheese to eat. The whole box if I could keep my kids from seeing it.
My mind didn't understand a healthy control to food. All I knew was how to eat none of it, or all of it.
And so all of it, I did. It must be the better option!
Upon reading article upon article on anorexia as well as binge eating, I've found both are terrible for your health. One is truly no better than the other.
"I have to find a balance", I remember thinking. "How do I have enough control over food without going back to having too much control?" Control is a scary thing to have, when you know you have and can abuse it.
I feared myself. For I had within me the power to destroy myself.
.......but was I not already destroying myself?
My sister shared this article with the family, titled, "Why Moderation is a Poo Emoji".
Some foods, for my health, must be avoided.
And that made me sad...letting go of something I loved, something I felt lifted me up, something I could rely on. But no, it was for something much different....
And this is where I wrote a reply to my family member's message:
"Being healthy, or trying to stay on the bandwagon, is hard.
It does get easier with time though. But that's why I allow myself a cheat day.
A health-guru friend told me years ago, 'allow yourself three cheat meals
a week, or a cheat day'. Now, I can't just do a cheat meal without
destroying the rest of the day. But I do like that option. So let's say you and
hubs want to go out Friday night and you know you're going to Cheesecake
Factory where you're gonna buy fried mac n cheese, a hamburger with fries, and
a slice of cheesecake (this is what I always get) but it's your daughter's
birthday today and it's Monday. Have a slice of cake and ice cream but on
Friday, wait until late afternoon before going crazy with the food.
"I personally hate documenting my diet. Maybe it's because I'm not structured enough but man do I burn out hard with counting calories or carbs or proteins or
macros. (Ok, I do count carbs with this diet. Ish.) But I've learned that what
really is best is going with what FEELS good. We all know in a moment of
desperation what we think feels good is a whole plate of graham cracker cookies
(guilty) but it's so important to listen and know your body when it's giving
you the "uh-huh" and the "nuh-uh" (how I feel my body
speaks to me). And sometimes we have to slap our own hand before consuming the
remaining quarter gallon of chocolate milk sitting in the fridge because we
must tell ourselves what the next few hours will be if do that. We know it'll
bring on the cravings, we know we'll feel miserable. We know we'll end up
ruining dinner and buying Burger King because we don't want a healthy chicken
breast now that we've got our palate ready for some real good food.
"I know for some of us, moderation is hard or should be avoided all together. I
remember (Sister) posting an article a while ago about how
sometimes avoiding certain triggering foods is truly better than attempting
moderation of those foods when we know they'll throw us off the bandwagon
eventually.
"Remember that you're worth fighting for. That your
health is worth skipping out on those cravings when they hit hard. Last night I
was craving all things chocolate and it was *rough* to not whip something up
and escape life during the five minutes I'm consuming something that will
ultimately have me living the rest of the evening in regret.
"For some (read: ME, this whole paragraph is ME) food is an escape. It's a 'forget that I have a million bills to pay' and a 'forget that
my child is having a hard time and I don't know what to do' and a 'forget that I have three loads of laundry to fold and oh yeah, dishes
too'. When I find what I'm escaping from, usually the craving will subside
because when you think about it, food only bandaids the problem, doesn't solve
it... the problem will always resurface and food will always be there. What
we're doing is conditioning ourselves to believe that food is the remedy to our
hardcore emotions, when it's not. Sometimes we cave not because the food is
good, but because the emotions become too much. So is feeling crappy after
eating these foods really worth adding to how crappy we already feel?
"I just want to feel good and look good. I don't think that's too much to ask. And yet, there's times when it feels like it is. My volatile relationship to food is real. It's literally like being in an abusive relationship...but the other person is FOOD. Which makes it sound even more stupid that I allow IT to win. The only mind games from this relationship are from ME, not the food. It's all me, it's all in my head.
"Sorry for the novel. I feel I can write a book about food, diets,
weight-loss, fitness and how that has affected me these last few years. I feel
like I'm always trying to create a new relationship with food. It's like I make
healthy boundaries, something happens, I let my guard down, feel fat/gross, get
trampled by my cravings/emotions and then I finally say, 'to hell with
this!' and am starting the cycle over again. Good news for me, the cycle
can be started as many times as I darn-well please. There's no limit to the
amount of chances one can have to try to be healthy. <3
"As I say, over and over, YOU'VE. GOT. THIS. <3 WE'VE. GOT. THIS. I
believe in all of us. We're worth it."
Every weekday morning I post a picture on my Instagram story of me before I go to the gym. I started doing that I-can't-remember-how-long ago (maybe a year and a half?) on Snapchat (which I no longer use) to keep myself accountable. How I love the gym! But I was just getting out of a painful rut where I was only attending half the time and doing half the workout. I hated the days I didn't attend, letting myself and my health down, but it wasn't in me to do more.
Posting a daily picture was proving to myself that I was worth getting myself out of bed early for, for me, for my health, for those that I love. I want to prove that I won't quit. I won't back down. I won't let life's crap hold me down from what I love, neither let it hold me back from loving myself.
I must start my day with me, my health. For it sets the mood for the rest of the day and in return, I can give more to others, for I'm not living off emotional/mental/physical fumes.
I've since coined the phrase, "I never regret a workout, but I almost always regret sleeping in".
August 17, 2017:
Yes, I liked my own post! It was HARD getting out of bed that morning. :P
I struggle, every day, with being healthy and eating right. I still look at the mirror and don't like certain parts of my body. I still find myself fighting the urge to buy myself half a dozen donuts (which I will eat all, in one sitting). But I promise you that the longer you keep at it, the easier it becomes. And no, your addiction to food will not change overnight. But you can be one day stronger than your addiction. If your addiction is a monster and you're a mouse, every time you grow in strength, your monster shrinks. Become the monster to your addictions and devour them.
While this post was in draft, Facebook notified me of a post I posted a year ago. Here's what it said:
Ten years ago, I searched incessantly for that "miracle pill" that would have me shedding the weight and feeling great because that's what was promised and therefore that's what I believed. #gulliblemuch? After trying a handful or so of different diet pills, and after noticing how miserable, unhealthy, and in pain I was once the pill bottle was empty, I begrudgingly accepted that I needed to put work towards being healthy, not leave it up to a pill whose ingredients are a big question mark.
It wasn't until three years after this realization that I made up my mind to do anything about it.
The above post came after I had a conversation with a friend. She would come to me every six months or so and say, "Ok, what is your secret?" and I'd tell her what I listed above, each time. After a couple years of this I said, "Wait, do you think I'm taking diet pills and not telling anyone about it?" to which she replied, "Well, I used to think so...but not so much any more".
You guys, there is a miracle pill.
It's already in you.
It's the belief you have in you.
It's the knowledge that you're powerful, priceless, and worth the damn fight.
Ignite the power within.
And watch your whole world change.
Don't let anything or anyone stop you.
Quit caring what others think of you.
Love yourself and you'll find those that will love you too.
