I think way too much. 

If my blog posts aren't evident enough of that then, CONFESSION: I think too much.

Sometimes I wonder if I don't think any more than the next person. That we're all just a bunch of thinkers but don't voice it. I know that we always seem to have some streaming thought going on in our head, according to some show I watched years ago. 

But to contemplate, to really consider certain things, including the pointless things, until you've either got it down to a science or tire of it, I wonder how much of that we all, as a whole, really do.

I wonder this because I have had mental battles, wars, while sitting amongst a quiet group of friends. Where I think something and then debate it, or view it from another angle, debate that and then go back to my first thought before the debate to start fresh. I will then look over at a friend, remember something I needed to ask her, to which it interrupts the organized chaos that is raging in my head and suddenly my mind is now an eight semi-truck pile up all thanks to the 1998 Dodge Neon that cut everyone off.

One gal I'm subscribed to uploaded a video and in it, she was frustrated. She ranted about other YouTubers, one in particular, but how a lot of them are "fake" while screaming to their viewers that they should be themselves. She also talked about the demands these people have and the difficulty of that to post videos on a regular basis to meet the expectations of their viewers. 

This video had me coming to a screeching halt while applying my makeup. I took a look at myself in the mirror, wondering with that over-thinking brain of mine, how much her rant could very well apply to me. 

And I did a video on it. Because I want you, my favorite people in the world, to know what my response is and I think it's only fair to finally tell you what you should expect from me. 

Growing up I followed the crowd, I followed the rules, I wanted to be

Just
Like
Everyone
Else.

Why? Because the majority of the population, in my opinion, liked and was most comfortable with those who were followers of the norm, or were rule keepers...

And I just wanted to be liked. I didn't know how else to be liked than to do what I was told. Everyone likes a good person who doesn't question things...at least that was what I learned from a very young age; that those I love were the happiest with me when I did what I was told.

I have found that for the most part that the rules that were taught to me to live by are rules that I still follow. I have found most happiness and freedom within these guidelines.

But I have found that some rules that I've ignorantly given myself from a young age, have been doing no benefit to me and if anything, have hindered me from becoming the person that I feel I've pushed aside and belittled for so long. And all this conditioning I've placed upon myself still haunts me today. While they haunt me less, they still tug and make their presence known when I go against them. Even if going against them is right.

But as I've searched these past several years to know what is best for me, what is the best person that God would have be, and trusting that God has my heart and I would not go wrong following it, I've settled myself on this:

I no longer want to follow the norm, and their rules.

Something happened today that sparked this blog post. Something that tugged at my gut just so that I knew I couldn't sit back and not give my two cents.

I stumbled upon a website. A website full of those who "know it all", who believe that if I follow what they know, that I would be happier and see better results in my life.

My mind trailed back to the past year or so and I realized that I was doing just about nothing that this website claims is a "sure-fire win" to having the end goal that they assume that I would want to have.

But in that moment where my mind looked at all the "wrong" I've done, for the slightest fraction of a second I felt regret that I had done those things, I suddenly wondered if there was a way I could go back and fix my "faults" to which I then told myself to take good mental notes as to what is on this website so that I may follow it, to the letter, in the future.

Once that split second ended, I came back to reality and looked over the website again and shook my head.

My mind retorted, "I didn't come this far in life to conform, again, to what a few people think I should do in order to succeed. I've have done pretty darn good these past few years, so why change that?"

But what gets me is how much I still allow these pointless "rules" to have me second-guessing everything that I've become. To have me feeling like that little Ladee who is now in trouble for not knowing better and shunned into her room until the lesson has been forever burned into the memory so it won't happen again.

I've often wondered what I could do to no longer feel like my differences are bad. Many times I sit among a group of women and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am not like any of them. And how grateful I am for that. Not because I don't want to be like them, but because I know that I am happiest being me and having embraced my differences. The differences that God gave me so I can be an instrument in His hands. I'm more comfortable in my skin than I've ever been.

And yet, why, if I'm so happy with this person I've become, should I still feel that thread of the past, pulling me back?

I hold the greatest fear of the unknown. I get ill over not knowing when things will happen and how they'll happen. Could this be the old me, the all-familiar, the rule-keeper pulling me back to "safety" because there I know what to expect? But that's just the problem...I don't want the life the old me had, regardless of how well I know it and how predictable it is. Because in that life I am not true to myself.

Thank God that life is lived a day at a time. And that each day we learn a little more, if we allow it.

While I don't know what tomorrow brings, I've found that my tomorrows are better as I look forward to them, with God at my side, than when I have wished for my yesterdays back in attempts to change what one person may believe I'm doing wrong.

"To thine own self be true."

Easter, kickin' it old school video games, and silly kiddos! Come and see what's gone on over here the last month!

I love the attention to details my readers and viewers have! In my video where I talk about how I dyed my hair I made mention that I did it on a special day. Well, my sweet friend Tammy noted, "But, you didn't tell us what you were celebrating!"

Well Tammy, this one is for you!

I have been so far out of the dating loop I am not even going to attempt to admit that I am an expert in it.

But I do feel like I know how one should be treated in a relationship. I have seen time and again relationships that have been on the rocks either lead to a stronger bond, or having both parties go their separate ways.

I am one who likes to look at situations/friendships/relationships, anything that involves two people, from the perspective of both of those people. I observe what makes two people work together like clockwork, or push against each other like grinding gears.

But most importantly, I have learned that between each story where a relationship has failed, there is a fine line called "The Truth".

So when my friend wrote me, a friend I've known for a while, a friend that has confided a lot in me about his dating woes, his insecurities in finding and keeping a relationship, and how it looks like his latest "girlfriend" is following suit in this history of his, I could no longer bite my tongue.

I did something and told no one about it. 

Other than ONE trusted friend, my family that lives with me as they know my every move. And my neighbor, who happened to catch me in the act. But no one else knew.

And now that's it been a while, I decided to share it with you. To come clean, to confess what I've been hiding.

Watch and see what that is.