I often wonder if part of God's plan is for me to feel completely alone so I know to lean on Him instead of a person. While leaning on people is more tangible and many times my answers are given to me sooner, I've found that not always am I comfortable with the answers from a person, even if they make the most sense or if I later on, down the road, follow that advice given. I have found that fully trusting my Lord and Savior and listening to God for what is best in my life, that the answers and guidance I am given are of His perfect timing for me. I do understand that I may lean on friends and family for answers and they may have the right ones, ones that I need to store away within my mind and heart to resurface when God feels I am ready to embrace them.
I used to think it was so easy to just do what I was told. For in doing what I was told, I didn't have to think about whether it was right or wrong nor did I have to worry about the consequences because there shouldn't be any if I'm being a good girl. And if there were consequences then surely they wouldn't be mine to bear, but the person who told me to do them had to carry it. It seemed like the perfect way to live.
In shrinking myself to fit into a mold that worked for my life as well as didn't bother those around me, I found I didn't grow at all, but only regressed. During years where I should've known myself better and should've flourished, I became less and less certain as to who I was.
"I'm a daughter of God," I would tell myself. "That is enough."
And I hoped I was right.
But in time those words became meaningless. I'm a daughter of God...of a being that I didn't even know existed other than the fact that people told me He did. I figured there had to be a God as I've witnessed many miracles, been saved from self starvation, mutilation, sleep deprivation and my suicidal thoughts.
Yet, I still didn't know Him. I felt like He was some being behind a curtain; anonymous. I couldn't understand that I could believe in His power while not even sure I knew who He was. I was taught to fear Him. And while people can give a clearer definition of what it means to "fear God", I literally feared His power; feared that any wrong move could have me losing my salvation, that that seat in heaven that had my name on it, would be empty and on display for all to see....all because I didn't choose to do what I was told.
I figured him being anonymous and behind a curtain must've meant I was doing ok (ya know, the whole "no news is good news" mindset) and was far better than going to hell with his wrath like an elevator of fire, taking me there.
It bothered me when I would try to think outside the box that this mold placed me in, that I got a raised brow, a concerned look, or a lecture on why I must stay within his box, within this mold, because this is what keeps me safe.
And, from what I sadly realized, all the urging to remain in this mold was led by nothing but fear. Fear from the most well-intended, loving people...if not from myself.
I've heard people ask what we would do if we had no fear. I'd hear people answer, "I'd finally go skydiving!" or "I'd stand up to the person that held me down all these years!" I'd find my mind running to the freedom of knowing my own truth, without anything to hold me back. I'd consider the liberation it would feel to know my own path, my own knowledge of this life, to finally feel like I'm not a walking Picasso painting. For while this mold I held myself in "worked", my truth wanted to shine through and because I would suppress myself, I became plagued with crippling anxiety.
I remember telling my husband nine years ago, "I feel like a walking germ...I feel like my insides are filthy and that people are going to sense and feel that filth and that it's gonna rub off of them!" Sitting close to someone was agony. I would cry inside, "I just showered! My hair and makeup is done! My clothes are neat and modest! Why do I feel so damn dirty! People must be seeing all this filth! Why must this person sit by me, knowing I'm so gross?"
Hindsight is a beautiful, yet tragic thing, right? Why must we have hindsight to learn? Why can't we know all the answers in the moment?
One of my favorite quotes is, "Life if understood backwards but must be lived forwards."
.....why is that my favorite quote? Because it's freakin' true. God rarely tells me anything in the exact moment it happens or in my forward thinking. Not once have I heard God say, "Hey, you may wanna grab an extra gallon of milk because your friend Tami is going to need it in a few days when her husband is out of town, her car is broken down, and she's got two sick kids." No, it's usually comes in the form of, "Oh, you may be out of milk, why don't you buy an extra gallon, just in case...and look, milk is on sale this week, whaddya know?" And so even though I come home to find that I was wrong, that I indeed have more milk than I need, it was still the segue to getting my friend that milk and His answering her prayers.
But anyways...back to hindsight and the wonderful/terrible thing that it is:
In hindsight I understand now the reason I literally felt like a Picasso painting on top of a walking pigpen. My mold was no longer (if it ever was) honoring me. I fought hard to be in this mold. But the true heart and soul of me was fighting to come out too.
But that fear.
Fear is so real. I didn't know what would happen if I stepped out of this mold while searching to know who I was. "I am a daughter of God. That is enough," would be the foundation I was hoping that I stood on as I slowly stepped out. I felt like the child who had the floaties removed from their arms before being placed in the water to swim. I felt at times like I had nothing to grab on to and worried that I was going to sink (sink into the depths of hell--my salvation was on the line, remember?) and when that became too scary, I ran back into the mold which began to be too small for me.
Just as we try to stretch out those darn jeans the moment they come out of dryer and many times we're successful it making them work, my mold was the same way, until I realized my spirit, heart and soul had become too big to fit into it anymore.
Now I must tread water, with nothing to hold on to when things get tough.
And times did. Moments were confusing. Situations became unbearable. Where must I go and who am I? What are these new emotions that I'm feeling? Who is going to give me the answers I need?
And then I heard Him. And He reminded me:
"I am a daughter of God. That is enough."
Yes! That's it. I am going to be a true daughter of my God. I'm going to give Him my life, my heart and soul, and let Him make my mold and let Him be the box that I think within.
Suddenly this anonymous Being behind the curtain came forward. Suddenly this Being came nearer to me as I drew nearer to Him. Suddenly He was giving me answers to questions and calming the confusions within me and turning them into clarity. This Being had become my anchor, my strength, my life, my companion, and we are a team.
In all relationships there is a give and take. And usually with a great relationship you don't tally that give and take as it's a constant flow of both.
I feel I take much from God. I feel He tells/shows me much and I just soak it in, trying to do my best to keep up and do what He would have me do. Many times I feel as though my giving to Him pales in comparison to how much He gives me. And during one quiet moment of reflection, when I thought about how much God gives me and how much I give back and how unequal it is, He whispered something to me and it made perfect sense...and to sum up what he said is found in this image I fell upon, a few days later:
(source: unknown, but thank you for creating it)
A true relationship is built on love. What God wants is that we are in a committed relationship to Him so He can give you that commitment back. I promise you that He will never have you doing anything that is not true within you. He knows your level of comfort and He knows your heart. You must trust Him in that.
Remember too, He hears you and will follow your lead, it's not all Him doing and you following! He will trust you! He will answer you and give you what you ask if your heart is in the right place. This should be a true relationship, a team. You work alongside each other. It's unconditional give and take, push and pull; a perfect balance.
You must trust that He's going to guide you down paths that are seemingly lonely. But you'll never be alone. You must trust that when someone tells you a "truth" and your gut churns, that it's not your truth to keep, that it's not the truth He wants you to own. And He especially doesn't want you to force it as your truth because it's either not or it's not the right time for it to be your truth. Remember, His timing is perfect and there's no bus to catch, so quit feeling like you have fallen behind when comparing yourself to others.
I read a quote about how nature is never rushed. I think about the two walnut trees in my front yard that I frankly wish weren't there (let's get real here, fall time sucks around here with all the yard work these leaves/acorns have us doing). The one on the right loses it's leaves and acorns first and then a few weeks later, the left one joins in. Same for the Spring, the right one produces leaves far before the left. And yet, they're still a part of mother nature and they're still within their season.
I think about how much God doesn't want to rush us. How much free agency we truly do have, especially when we choose to follow Him, and give Him our heart. He made us and therefore knows our speed with growth, and knows what best suits our life.
I have often wondered if what God truly wants is for us to give Him our heart. If everything in this universe is created by Him and everything falls under the direction of Him....of all His creations, He gave us CHOICE....
What if all He wants is our decision to follow Him (*our heart*)? And not man?
It sounds so oppressive to say that I'm only going to follow God when it's been quite the contrary. I've never been happier. I've never felt more free. I see God as a loving parent, sitting back and watching His child dance and twirl around in front of Him, laughing and smiling. I see Him as this parent that lets this child dance to their heart's content, not choreographing their next move to make it "better", but allowing them full self expression in this moment, and loving them all the more for it.
God wrote us, created us, built us with a perfect mind and perfect hands. He wants you to be true to yourself. He wants you to find that truth with Him. He wants to help you discover the masterpiece He made you to be.
Maybe *this* is true salvation.
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Here's a couple posts that I would like to share about Truth Seekers. Please read them both if you have the time. LOL, OK, I'm a hypocrite because I just scanned these pages. Whoops. Scan them if you have the time then! ;)
And I hope that if you are seeking your own truth, that you know that you're not alone and that if I can't help you, I pray the links below can.
https://100fold.wordpress.com/2010/12/29/characteristics-of-a-truth-seeker-part-1/
https://100fold.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/characteristics-of-a-truth-seeker-part-2/
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