I have remained quiet on this blog lately, not talking much about what's been going on with me as I feel that all I talk about is how much I've grown while another part of me wants to savor it and truly embrace this time in my life. Will this season end? Is this only the beginning? I wish I knew but if this is a season that will come to an end, I want to breathe it all in.
(I shall title this picture "Reflection" LOL)
I dunno, maybe it's because I feel like all this spiritual talk gets boring to you, my readers.... A friend recently said to me, "I worry that I talk too much about my mother's death that I'm becoming a bother and that people are assuming I have nothing else to talk about," when I have hardly noticed that at all in our conversations. I understand that her mother's death has been weighing a lot on her mind and soul, not to mention that many changes that have been made in her life have been from this death or a reflection from it.
But I understand what she means because that's exactly what I have been worrying about; that my posts are becoming nothing but yawn-fests.
This year, to put it simply, has been a year of "downloading". I often wonder if this year wasn't so much busy as it was my mind processing all that I have felt my Heavenly Father teach me. I have mentioned in a couple videos on my YouTube channel how I felt like the Summer had been robbed of me. That during those three months I wanted the stereotypical "Summer break" when instead it was packed with things unplanned and unexpected, to do at a moment's notice. I felt like the Summer came and went all in the course of a few days and before I knew it, I was at "Meet the Teacher" and then taking my kids to their new class, coming back home to an empty house and wondering what in the world happened to those three months that has me not mentally in the new school year.
I felt like I was learning at an incredible speed and didn't understand how those around me weren't, or seemingly weren't. I was finding new insights and inspirations on life and the meaning of it...with no way to bring it up to my friends in a conversation...which turned out to be a blessing as conversations with friends help divert me from the constant mind running as well as bring me back down to earth.
Several years ago I worried that I wasn't focused enough to learn. I thought maybe I placed so much stress on myself that something went wrong; how my brain would just shut off when I would try to study/read. I feared I was having a mental breakdown of sorts.
I've realized that my lack of focus wasn't due to the fact that I wasn't smart, or that I had issues with learning....it was because I wasn't to learn what I was attempting to cram into my brain. All this information, as interesting as I thought it was, wasn't what God wanted me to be studying. There was nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with what I thought I was to learn or study, but it was the wrong information for what my mind and soul were searching for.
While this year hasn't been bad, it's by far a better year than 2015, I'm ready to say goodbye to it, even though I hate wishing life away like this. I guess my hope for 2017 is a year-long vacation...haha, which I know won't happen. In my two dimensional thinking I keep hoping that as soon as January 1, 2017 rings in that suddenly the constant mental-chaos-turned-clarity will cease and I'll hear nothing but crickets and then bask in the sound of silence.
I can dream, can't I?
And while I feel like I've done nothing but run since January of this year, I've never been happier. Life hasn't felt more clear and while my mind is constantly "downloading" more and more information that I know God and his angels are sharing with me, I've never felt this much strength, this much love and companionship, this much control, and this much confidence in every waking day of my life. I find myself stopping to admire smallest bits of beauty in this world. Every sunrise and sunset seems to catch my breath these days. You'd think during a time when my mind is constantly thinking, constantly processing, constantly asking God more questions and listening for answers, that I wouldn't see the tender mercies of our Lord and Savior, the beauty of a robin hopping on fallen Autumn leaves, a person saying a kind word to a stranger. And yet, the Lord sees that I do.
How I feel like this world has become new. I look around and feel like I have been given a second chance to see His creations with different eyes and fresh perspective. And I have loved every minute of it....even though life won't slow down. :)
P.S.While writing this post, my brother sent me this video. How much Jim Carey's words and beliefs resonate strongly within me and within the truths I feel God has shown me.
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