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A few nights ago I had a conversation with a close friend. She told me something:

That I have assessed myself wrong in the personality system I support.

Say what?!

I hear this quite frequently.

I have found that in this system there's a plethora of people that will ask others to assess them. Or they'll talk about the assessment of others. It's a staple to the start of our conversations. We could be talking about each other, our best friends, even celebrities--all about their personality. Sometimes we agree with each other, sometimes we kindly give our (the correct) opinion.

Now I'm one who likes to "figure" people out, like the next person in these groups, especially when I consider you a true puzzle. 

Or, as I call you, a "conundrum".

You know who you are. ;)

But I have come to find that in this group, even if you haven't asked what others would assess you as, they will tell you anyway. 

I have repented. I was guilty of doing this until I made a Blog, Instagram, and Youtube account and have found that a good chunk of my followers love this same personality system...

...and will comment:

"Hey Ladee, what's your personality assessment?"

To which I'll answer.

You can ask me anything, really. I actually like when people ask me questions about my personality. Because I went through hell and back to know exactly what makes me "me". 

But the comments that irk me ever so slightly that I first overlook until they slowly bore within me are:

"Are you sure you're not this personality?" 

Interpreted, as someone with my personality would, as: "Did you know you're totally wrong in your belief of who you are?"

Or, let's go back to my friend and the conversation I mentioned above. I know this friend knows my personality assessment. Like, I KNOW SHE KNOWS. She starts our conversation with the common question of what my assessment is. I respond. She responds back with, "Well, my friend said that your personality is this. And she's really good at this personality system and at knowing other people's personality."

The imperfect me interprets this as: "Hey Ladee, I know you say what your assessment is, but I know someone who just might know better."

I take a breath. I have learned that saying the exact thing that comes to my mind when irritated is better left behind pursed lips.

Especially when I could very well be wrongly judging the nature of the comment given.

"Oh, is she a professional?" I ask.

"No. But she had me and my husband pegged. And all of our friends."

"Oh, so what personality is she?"

"Well, she's not sure what her personality is...."

*CRICKETS*

The filter that was damming my thoughts from being spit out of my mouth broke, "How can she give me an assessment if she can't even assess herself?!"

I realized once I said this, that it was wrong of me. I should know that we are our hardest critics, that sometimes we don't truly know ourselves, that some of us went through a hard life that left us very uncertain as to who this person is looking back at us in the mirror.

That doesn't mean that you can't be knowledgeable in this system.

For that, I apologize. Profusely.

I'm going to answer the common questions or comments that are given to me where people state that I'm wrong in my personality assessment.

1. Facial Profiling: In this system you use facial features to find your personality, including skin color and texture.

Commenters (my most common comment): You have facial symmetry, porcelain skin, and can pull off winged eyeliner.

My Response: It's all makeup tricks. Only a handful of people online have seen a picture of me without makeup on. But my face isn't symmetrical, my skin is sadly the opposite of porcelain, I thank my foundation, powder, and highlighter. And winged eyeliner doesn't look the greatest on me but I like the look so I own it.

2. Energy Levels: This system uses the energy you give off to help find your personality. For instance, the stereotypical teenage cheerleader has a higher energy than Sean Connery. One is more light and bright, the other more secure, subdued, and bold. 

Commenter: You seem perfecting. You seem like you can wear a pair of heels and not worry about comfort.

My Response: I wear my Chucks with everything, except at church because it doesn't match my dresses. And then I only wear my most comfortable heels and boots. The perfecting nature in me is no different than anyone else with my personality, I think. And by golly, I have a very unstructured life so what I'm passionate in, I'm a little bit of a perfectionist! ;)

Commenter: You have a really high energy.

My Response: Thanks. I guess it's been a good day. 

Commenter: You're so random. You never stick to one thing.

My Response: For the most part, you're right. I blame the undiagnosed ADHD. LOL.

3. Colors: In this system it uses different shades, tones, and hues of each color on the color wheel to help you find your personality.

Commenter: You can wear black.

My Response: Actually, I can wear anything I want. But I don't look very good in black. Brown is a much more pleasing color on me but I get rebellious, like in these blog pics today. ;)

Commenter: I bet you look great in light pastels.

My Response: Thanks! But I really don't. They enhance my chiseled features and make them look more masculine. Autumn colors work best for me!

All in all, I honestly believe that those who comment about my personality are doing it with the best intentions. I get frustrated at myself for making any wrong assumptions though. Even if my assumptions are correct, I shouldn't let it bother me. I know who I am. I spent quite some time in the deepest realms of myself, all by myself, and came out with a better understanding of who I am than I ever had.

But I can be a rebel. I don't always follow this personality system's exact guidelines. I could give a few excuses as to why...like, "I'm an adult and I'm tired of following the rules" or "It's just a system and sometimes I wanna dress my mood and dang it, that black striped shirt is looking pretty good today" or "Does it matter what kind of personality I have as long as I'm a good person?"

But most importantly, I appreciate that we have these many personality systems. Though I follow one more than others, I still love them all and love knowing more about them. And while not all personality systems will have the correct assessment of you, it does make understanding others and loving them for who they are much easier. 

And you can't beat that. 

The other day I was looking at my closet, at the mass of clothes hanging there when I realized that I wear less than half of them regularly. Sure, there's a couple fancy shirts and dresses for that occasional fancy evening that comes once or twice a year but other than that, I have far too many clothes that stay unworn, unloved, and could be given to someone else who actually NEEDS them.

Here's how you can make the best out of ten pieces of clothing. I counted 35 outfits that I could make, could you count more?

Today many YouTubers have joined the #DearMe Youtube campaign to help everyone see that they are enough as they are.

Without viewing anyone's video, I decided to make one. I wanted it to be uninfluenced by the other YouTubers, I wanted it to be unscripted and come from within. What would I want the 15 year old me to know?

At 15 years old I remember laying in my room in torment. I felt so alone and so dark. I felt no light within me. I felt no emotion and felt imprisoned because of that. I remember wondering what in the world brought me to this place and wondered if I'd ever be happy again...or if I'd ever be able to EXIST the way I did again.

I reached up to the air above me, as though I attempted with every fiber of my being to grab hold of the ceiling that rested six feet above me and begged God to touch me, to heal me, to show me any sign. I remember begging for him to touch me, or for any sign, any sort of acknowledgement that He was there!

Nothing happened.

I felt at that moment that the only way I would know His existence and to be able to return to sanity, was if I left this earth.

It made sense at that time. There was no way out of the abyss I lingered within than that.

Fast forward 17 years to day.

So much has happened since that night. So many chapters of my life opened and closed and opened anew. Each chapter expanding my understanding more than the last about that time in my life.

I have a far greater understanding of what happened and why it did. Why I had such a tumultuous season in my life and at such a young age. Why I felt so alone, why I felt so forsaken.

I could go on for days. My understanding now is like an onion, with many layers, all bound together, only for me to truly know each part of it.

But I wanted to share a little of that onion with you.