...and more than likely FAILING.

But you get the drill. ;)

I seriously love my hair, makeup, and tats. Like, probably more than a Type 3 woman should. I am considering buying MORE hair chalk as I about used a third of it today. Hair chalk is pretty darn rad.

 

I don't tell very many people that I do the HCG diet.

Because most peeps have something negative to say about it and frankly, I don't want to hear it. I also hate the way people act when they hear that I'm on a diet and especially, on that diet.

But whatevs, it ain't any of their business and therefore it all ties back to me just not telling them. It's not worth my breath, it's not worth them knowing, and it's not worth my hearing of their opinion when all they know is what some famous doctor on Opera thinks about it (who also flip-flopped on his opinion of the diet, just saying, before I change the subject).

My sister has been struggling for years with her weight. She has a condition that her doctor told her that women with this condition literally have a harder time losing weight than women who don't have this condition.
She went to the doctor desperate and asked, "Is there some way, is there some miracle pill, that could help me lose this weight?"
He told her, "Well, there's the HCG Diet."
(Note: you lose a pound a day and if you're especially heavy, you lose more.)

People call this diet extreme and I beg to differ. I don't see how this is any more extreme than getting gastric bypass and yet, that seems more socially acceptable than ingesting a hormone and going on a low-calorie diet.

People who get gastric bypass have to stay within a strict, 400 calorie liquid puree diet for up to nine months. If they cheat, they're hurting, literally.

On this diet if you cheat, you'll just not have lost the weight you would've had you not.
Big whoop.
You can try again!

But people are entitled to their own opinions and I will embrace the opinion of those who have tried this diet, whether they were successful, or whether it didn't work for them.

And if you're interested in this diet, I fully support you in giving it a go as long as you read up on it and talk to your doctor about it as all bodies are different and all diets give different results.

Watch as I talk about my weightloss journey, the reason why friends were keeping me fat, and how HCG and it's strict diet, gave me all the freedom in the world.

How I wish I had an amazing camera and that my house was full of windows to allow in the best natural light so I can show off the true colors of my wardrobe!

Since May, and since this post, I've been doing (read: wearing) my own thing.

It's liberation, if you ask me. I don't feel so tied down to a color scheme if I'm feeling like wearing something that a system says I'll look terrible in. And I have friends who will see me in black and saying in a joking, yet serious tone, "Ohhhhh Ladee! You know I cringe with that color on you!"

I've embrace the knowledge that everyone has their own energy and the need to have the energy of the colors you're wearing match your energy. And I do believe that we women, for the most part, have our own "beauty sixth sense". We know what looks good for us. I was looking at some of DYT's "Before and After"'s and noticed that a lot of these women WERE in fact wearing their Type's colors, but just didn't know how to style themselves correctly.

But sometimes our energy is simmered due to stress/anxiety/depression and other times our energies are burning bright due to excitement/happiness/love.
And I know that if I'm wearing what looks good on me, I'll feel leaps and bounds better than if I didn't while feeling down. But sometimes my mood calls for a muted-colored shirt because my anxiety levels are high and I don't want the visual noise some Type 3 colors give me (and I still hate brown. I know that's a calm color, but I don't like it so I almost never wear it).

I am so glad I don't have the color cards and now understand the reason as to why I wasn't to purchase any of DYT's programs. As much as I like the Type 3 colors and as much as it's a great example of colors to show you, to me though, it doesn't make me as happy looking at it like I hoped it would. Maybe it's the way the colors are lined up on the card (OCD anyone?), maybe it's because I feel like every color has been overlayed with brown, via photoshop, but something just doesn't enamor me like I thought it would upon first seeing it.

But still, of all the Type color cards, I love those colors the best. Duh.

I'm sticking with autumn colors. I still love those rich berry colors, burnt oranges, reds, and yellows.

But I also like white.
And I like black.

Some days I think I look hideous in black and others, I think I look pretty darn good! Especially if I load my accessories as Type 3 accessories.
If Type 3 colors are pure hues mixed with black then shouldn't the colors look good WITH black? That's something I've always wondered. I have a girlfriend that is a Type 3/1 and one Sunday she came to church in a black dress and looked incredible. I remember thinking, "WAIT, she's not supposed to look good in the black and yet, I can't stop admiring her outfit!" She donned a deep blue jean jacket with chunky, Type 3 accessories that, to me, put her whole look together and turned BLACK into a Type 3 color.

I got a comment the other day, stating that people are getting kicked off of DYT groups because they're posting how they wear black pants or shoes but they aren't a Type 4.

HOLY.
COW.
Please tell me I read that wrong.

I wear black gym clothes. I like them.
I have black pants. I like them too.
I have black socks and black shoes. Keeping those!
I have black shirts. I have no desire to throw them out. Although I have a pile waiting to be bleached.
I have black lingerie. And Mr Hunter does NOT care whether they're the right color for me.

But I'm still a happy, proud, Type 3, secondary Type 2 woman who admires the DYT system.

So anyways, to reiterate: My style today is pretty much the same as before but I have decided to do more "mood styling". More often than not, I'll go to put on a white, grey, or black shirt, take one look at myself in the mirror and go, "YUCK!" and will rip it off before finding another. But I've got to tell ya, last week I wore a jersey-colored grey shirt and loved it so much I wore it the next day.

I still love my chunky accessories, big (and warmer colored) hair, winged eye-liner but have changed my makeup in the sense that I'm trying to have more contrast, especially with eyeshadow colors. I love dramatic outfits. I love layers upon layers and I just LOVE that sexy can be shown through complete modesty.

I love pushing the envelope as to how far I can go while still looking appealing. It's fun! I think everyone should give it a try!

And how I WISH I had a better camera so I can show you all I wear, all the time, so you can see just how simple it is to beef up a wardrobe to look appealing. All you really need is the right fit and the right colors (or the right MOOD COLORS)!
I've asked Santa for a Canon T3i. Maybe he'll deliver. :D

I love to dress up.

As much as I love to dress down.

I used to think that being a certain Type meant that you had to constantly dress that way.

Well, sometimes I don't wanna dress the Type but will instead dress the MOOD.

And today my mood called for the basic red shirt and $6 thrift store jeans.

No added accessories than the absolute necessary. No earrings, no necklace. 

Just a day to be simple.

And a day for a little of this:

When given with all the love of my little boy's heart, any weed becomes the most beautiful flower.

Several times I have heard people say, "If she has a problem with me, why is she telling everyone else when if she would just tell me we could settle it like adults!"

Or:

"So Friend lied and said she was sick today and skipped out on our lunch when in reality I found out she was doing something else. She should've just told me she didn't want to go. I would've understood."

Or (LOL, I'm noticing I'm using "she" in these examples. I'm just going off what I've been hearing, folks, don't go reading into this like I'm blaming anyone.):

"She is just avoiding me and not answering my calls or texts. If she doesn't want to talk to me she should just say so."

I can count maybe two people who have said those things and I have believed them. These two women are women who don't beat around the bush, they don't have time for drama, they are very cut-and-dry as well as take-me-as-I-am women whom I admire and pray every day to be just like.
I should pray harder for that. ;)

But the rest of the people I've heard say that I honestly wonder just how well they would handle someone saying this to them:

"Friend, the way you treated my friend was garbage. I can't believe you could do such a thing. Because of that, I think less of you and will be wary of you from here on out."

Or:

"Friend, I don't want to hang out today, even though we made plans. I would rather spend my time alone, shopping for fabrics. I'm sure you understand, right?"

Or:

"Friend, I'm not up to being chatty with you. I know Other Friend and I are super close and I answer her texts but not yours. It's just that she and I are besties and I don't feel that closeness with you."

Honestly, I can not see how these truths would keep any peace between people. So we create half-truths, bold face lies, or avoidance to protect both parties.

Case in point:
**I hate having to justify myself before telling everyone that I did something I feel to be black-hearted, but I would have it no other way and to be completely frank, I would like to think I'm getting better as a person, although the "better" I get, the less patience I have with drama....go figure. I guess I'll always be a work in progress.

Justification: Since April I've been assigned as President over the children's organization at church. I won't go into all I do. All I can say is that I came into this position feeling like I stepped into a world of foreign languages and here I had to not only know it all, but to lead it all with a great big smile on my face. Along with this position is my having to force myself to be more social than I like. I know that sounds silly as I'm a Type 3 and being social comes naturally to me. But being forced to be social puts me on a faster burnout than burning out on my own.

Needless to say, I have put my phone on silent for hours DAILY, refused to answer calls, ignored texts, overlooked emails, and avoided fellow churchgoers like Ebola when I see them outside of the church building. And when I do have meetings, I'm feeling like I'm halfway Ladee as my energy is low and my lights dim. My smile is fake, my laughter is forced, I ignore the people around me, I'm just a big, faker.

And. I. hate. it. It's not who I am. But when you're running on "E", you're never your true self.

I know I need to find a happy balance between recharging and giving this position 100% but until then, I'm trudging through. No worries. It's all part of the refiner's fire. I'm not complaining, just stating fact. I accepted this position and knew this would be my future for a while.

Well, I have a friend who loves to chat. And has wanted to chat nonstop for several days.
Lately, I have been avoiding her texts but keep feeling that "pull" like my friend is waiting on the other end (y'all know what I'm talking about?). It's a pull that drives me insane until I respond. But responding is a double-edged sword because if I respond, well, you know what happens next.

She texts again within minutes. With animation! With emoticons! She texts questions. She wants lengthy answers to match her lengthy comments.

And I continue this cycle of avoidance/attention, to where it is beginning to take over my priorities.

This friend is one of those friends who has told me the lines I wrote above. She likes honesty. Or so she says. She also knows I'm feeling a tad buried and finding my bearings. But she also likes my time too, which I love to give, but right here, right now, I just can't give that. And if I want to keep this friendship with her, I have to be honest. Call it a boundary, but I need space. Just for a little while.

I finally wrote this evening with, "I'm sorry I haven't been feeling up to texting. I'm feeling overwhelmed and therefore, antisocial. I promise, it is not you."

I could swear I felt storm clouds directed at me and a sea of unhappy angels informing me I was a bad friend.

My chatty friend responds with four, simple words: "It's fine, I understand."

The one problem with texting is that you can't see or hear the person who is talking. And without the blasted use of emoticons, we are all left to guess.
But I know I get vibes from texts. And this text came to me with a heaviness (on top of the storm clouds). The words appeared to me with depth, as though they were sunken into my screen, a deep grey, and holding a fresh coat of pain.

I wrote back and apologized, something I shouldn't have done, as I'm backtracking (thanks, The Crazy) but now I'm feeling bad. I ask if she's ok. Again, something I shouldn't've done but...

And she doesn't respond. I know she read the text. She carries her phone with her as often as she carries her left foot.

A similar incident with her a month or so ago, when I tried to put some space between us for my sake, had her texting me with this:
"I didn't know I was overwhelming you. I will give you the space that you need. I won't text you until you text me first."
My instinctual nature has me rolling my eyes while The Crazy comes barreling in, feeling upset for noticing Friend twisting my words in such a way that I'm left to feel blame for her feelings.

But in the mean time I have to sit and wonder why in the world I am feeling guilted for being honest. The Type 3 in me honestly does not care as I am following what my body needs. I need time to be away. I need time to recharge.

But the concerned Type 2 in me keeps rearing her head and making me wonder if I've killed the friendship this time, because The Crazy makes brash assumptions like a boss.

**I do have to say that I contradict myself. I have times when I'm feeling terribly antisocial and therefore will go on facebook and will chat with my wonderful friends in the personality groups I follow. Somehow that heals me. Sometimes getting away from the world you're encompassed in for a couple hours helps you see your world from the outside.
But how can I say that to this friend who wants honesty but will more than likely see that I'm on facebook, "liking" and responding to mine and other's posts during my desire to be antisocial?

And also, I have two friends that have an incredible gift of getting me out of my funk. How must I explain that to her, when she talks with these friends and hears that during my time of being overwhelmed, that I was turning to them?

This is why we are so often lying, dancing around the truth, and avoiding.

People say, "If they can't accept you and what you're telling them, then they aren't your friends."
But if you were to put yourself in their shoes, would YOU be able to understand? Maybe they're more understanding than you are. Maybe they've had a rotten day and your words broke them. Maybe you would take the truth far harsher than your friend did.

I guess I don't really have an ending to this post as I have at times lied, given half-truths, avoided, and told the truth, mostly with the same response: a negative reaction.

I'll sum it up with this:
If you say you can take the truth, you better be prepared to take it when it's given. And if you can't take it when it's given, you better have a legit excuse of your own.

Shaming someone or guilt tripping them for believing they could be honest with you puts you in poor light, my friend, and now, you won't be so readily trusted.

**The Crazy talkin'

....or so that's what some people are saying.

Others are saying we all need to chillax and not get so caught up in a bunch of nothing. 

So, which should you believe?

I wish I had an answer for you.

But I do have an opinion...well, hello, I have several opinions, but here I share one. 

I recycle. (Aren't you proud of me?)

Not because I choose to. (Now are you?)

Because the city, for some odd reason, only picks up trash once a week.
Hello, in AZ it was twice a week! Isn't everything "bigger in Texas"?
Yes, it is. Including the amount of trash we pile into our trash bins.

But since the trash man only comes around on Wednesdays, we are obligated to use the recycle bin so that we don't have an overabundance of trash bags laying around the already full trash bin to be attacked by wild creatures or those looking to find "treasures" they can sell at their yardsale.

I have learned in the many years that we have lived here that recycling ain't all that bad. For the first few years we lived here, the city had set up some rewards program with a company that would give us so many points for how much we recycle and if we save enough points, we could trade them in for gift cards and maybe other things, but I was mostly into getting the gift cards to notice the others.

The city ended this program and yet, out of habit and fear of what possums, raccoons, odd people, and stay dogs could do to my trash, I still recycle.

I have a small recycle bin inside the house that I use my superior Tetris skills to get as many recyclable items to fit in it. A lot of boxes within boxes or collapsed boxes within one box. If it looks like it would remotely fit, you better believe I would make it work.

One day I finished using my favorite, generic Clorox wipes and went to put it in the recycle. I looked in my recycle bin and found the empty box used for trash bags, sitting open, a blank space that was going to be filled before I took my small recycle bin outside to empty it.

I hear myself say before considering my words, "Can I fit this round peg into this square hole?"

And so I tried.

I found resistance. The wipes container was just a hair too large to fit into the empty box of trash bags.

But I was persistent. It had to fit. I was going to make it.

Between the stubbornness of the size difference and the stubbornness I had to make them fit so I could get on with my cleaning, the items in hand finally gave up and "fit" together.

I finally listened to the words I said as I stared at this box with the container jammed inside. Can I fit this round peg into this square hole?

How often do we feel like we are jammed into a life that doesn't seem to fit who we are? And while we "fit", we feel like something is missing or that we don't feel free to fully express our self?

And the bigger question is: how in the world can get we get out of that?

I often wonder if there is a blanket response for everyone.
The more I think about it and the older I get, I don't know if there is.

Then, what is the option for you?
That's when things can get tricky.

I think sometimes we want to take a path that we feel would be fun/exciting/life-chaning, or in this case, for our betterment and don't try because we fear failure. So we instead take a step back after inching forward, returning to our usual rut we have been complaining that we're "stuck" in while everyone around us seems to be making strides just fine.

Does it matter if we fail? What would honestly happen to us if we did? If we took a path that felt right to take, or a path that we think would help us become more of the person we feel inside and we fail, does that mean we were wrong? Does that mean the path wasn't right?

No.

Maybe that is the right path to take. But maybe the timing is wrong.

One way to know which path to take to is to truly know who you are.
Again, that's when things can get tricky.
How can one know them self in a world that has shaped who they are?

I remember taking a walk several years ago, thinking about my life and the person I was and how I built this "empire" within me to be the kind of person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I also built myself with the skewed perception of what I thought God wanted me to be.
I remember saying a prayer in my heart, knowing that in order to be fully and authentically me, that I would need to tear down just about everything that I built.
I felt a hot tear hug the outer corner of my right eye. That would take TIME. Time on my own.
"How I can I do that, God, while still being there for my family as a wife and mother should?"

As I watched my feet hit the concrete underneath me I heard a quiet answer from within. An answer that was said in the purest love I have ever felt.
"We will do a little at a time."

I am not here to say that my "empire" has been completely broken down, rebuilt, and now looking wonderful. But during the time between that walk and now, I have changed a lot. And for the better. I'm still finding things I need to improve on. I'm still so incredibly flawed.

But I have found truth in the simple phrase, "To thine own self be true."

How can you do that? There's many answers and to each person, their answer is different. But these are my answers and possibly they could help you.

1. Stop keeping secrets from yourself. They only make them bigger. Own up to your faults so you can release them.

2. Get to know every last detail of yourself. Yes, I'm telling you to take some friggin' time for yourself already! I know we tend to load up that extra time on our calendar with more things ("Sure, I can help out with the school bakesale! Five dozen brownies, on the double!", "Oh, you need me to pick up and watch your kids during that small amount of time I have before going to my doctor appointment? Ok!") and come the end of the week we are exhausted and not only on our last leg but our last nerve.
I often think of Ann Perkins on Parks and Rec when she said on few episodes, "I'm dating myself".
So do that!
Do what it takes to know who you are.

3. Write in a journal as often as you can. Write what makes you happy. Write what doesn't. Write when you receive little inspirations as to who you are. Write when you have a natural reaction to something you used to react differently to.

4. Most importantly, find a healthy hobby. Find that one thing that you can do that doesn't consume your life but is there if you need an escape. I have two things that are my go-tos when time feels like it's weighing down on me:
          a. My healthy hobby and escape: The gym. I go in the mornings to help keep myself feeling healthy and sane (and that's no joke). Also, I can always go back and run some more laps if I need an outlet. If not, I can take a walk around my neighborhood.
          b. My escape: Taking a drive and turning up the music REAL LOUD. There's a particular CD I've had for about ten years that is grungy, and distorted and this perfect, beautiful blend of chaos. During my high anxiety days, I will take a 20 minute drive and turn that CD on. The music mirrors my inner emotions and pulls them out.

What healthy hobbies and escapes do you have?

That's my tidbit of advice. Remember, please remember, that you are designed to be unique. There will never be another you on this earth. So make the most of your time so when you look back on your life, you'll have no regrets.

Get out of that square hole. Even if you can only inch your way out of it at a time. That's still progress.

Tell me about your experiences! How did you get out of that square hole? What advice would you give others struggling to find themselves?

Ever since understanding what looks good and me and what doesn't, I have struggled most with makeup. Generally if I find a color that works great on me, I end up just using that color the most of the time as I find it tiresome to look for a color at the store with their bright florescent lights and then hope it looks good on me and when it doesn't, I'm too lazy to change it and therefore, carry it around on my face the whole day.

So what is awesome about drugstore makeup is that it's relatively cheap enough for error.

A few months ago I bought this:

It looked great on the shelf, I figured it would work for me. Warm creams and browns. I couldn't fail, it was the perfect "Type 3" colors!

I looked gross.

Straight up not right.

But since I only spent two dollars and change on that bad boy, and used it twice, tops, I gave it to a family member who said it would look great on them. 

I honestly have yet to find a set brown eye shadows that would look great on me. 

Explain that one, sweetheart.

I was watching some makeup tutorials and found one of my favorite youtubers showing us how to make her gorgeous, myriad of purples on her eyes.

I realized then that I hadn't worn purple eye shadow in ten+ years. Why ten years? Because that's when the purple eye shadow I bought for my wedding was probably all used up. 

I never bought more purple eye shadow after that...probably because I realized I caught my man, became a baby making machine, started putting makeup last on my priority list and when I did wear makeup, I rarely wore eye shadow.

I sure love this palette! 

Body issues are real.

And just because someone is fit and healthy doesn't mean they are immune to body issues.

I can't tell you how much I envy any woman who can show off her body, in a swimsuit, with pride.

I remember being very young, stepping on my mother's scale (a usual occurrence I did) and seeing it say 74lbs. I would then look at the number 80 and think, "If I ever get to 80 pounds...." and while I don't remember exactly what I would say after that ("...I would just die" or "I would be so sad"), I just remember instantly feeling anxiety and a loss of control of my life and over my happiness.

Well, I don't recall what I did when I finally reached 80lbs but deep inside I knew it was bound to happen anyway.

A later memory takes me back to when I stepped on Mom's scale again, it saying I was 90-ish pounds and my mind would repeat the words "If I ever to get to 100 pounds..." with those same anxious feelings returning.

I remember being young and critiquing my body. I have a picture of me in a short skirt, taken around 9 or 10 years old. It was my best and worst piece of clothing. I loved it on some days, and on other days, I felt fat and disgusting when I looked at myself.

I had a friend once tell me I wouldn't understand what he was going through because he spent his whole life overweight and then lost the weight while I was only overweight while I was having kids and then lost the weight.

And while his pain may be different than mine, we both spent our life in a struggle we felt we could not hold any control of getting away from.

I honestly have no idea why and what started my weight issues and Body Dysmorphic Disorder at such a young age. I was never treated ill by my family and while siblings would tease here and there about my looks (I'm one of 7 children, teasing is what you're raised with!), I understood they were joking and didn't take their words seriously, as we weren't that kind of family to intentionally tear each other down.

This BDD took a turn for the worst when in high school I decided to no longer eat.
At the time I was 105 pounds.
My BMI is at the lowest point (18.6) before being considered "Underweight". If I lost a pound, I would have been.

I remember sitting in my room, listening to Ace of Base (respect) on a Sunday afternoon, starving.
I would suck on some pieces of candy to get me by.
This became a regular ritual of mine. If I were in my room, I was away from everyone, and especially away from food.

Thank God with the help of great parents, my church, and my counselor, I pulled through and was healthy again.

But in my mind I always carried around the mentality that I was a bigger girl and that my weight defined whether or not I had control in my life.

I'll stop there for now.
I am doing far better than I was, that's a fact and that I am grateful for.
I feel I understand why I went through all I did.
That's for another post.
But for now, come listen to me rant about the joy (read: annoyance) of having body issues.

This is part one of a three part video. I'm going on a cruise! And I just might be going crazy!