I had no idea there was such a thing as a "truth seeker". It kinda stinks how many times I've gone through something, thinking I was utterly alone in this process or journey and come to find that many have been there, done that, and have a whole slew of helpful advice to give.

I often wonder if part of God's plan is for me to feel completely alone so I know to lean on Him instead of a person. While leaning on people is more tangible and many times my answers are given to me sooner, I've found that not always am I comfortable with the answers from a person, even if they make the most sense or if I later on, down the road, follow that advice given. I have found that fully trusting my Lord and Savior and listening to God for what is best in my life, that the answers and guidance I am given are of His perfect timing for me. I do understand that I may lean on friends and family for answers and they may have the right ones, ones that I need to store away within my mind and heart to resurface when God feels I am ready to embrace them.

I used to think it was so easy to just do what I was told. For in doing what I was told, I didn't have to think about whether it was right or wrong nor did I have to worry about the consequences because there shouldn't be any if I'm being a good girl. And if there were consequences then surely they wouldn't be mine to bear, but the person who told me to do them had to carry it. It seemed like the perfect way to live.

In shrinking myself to fit into a mold that worked for my life as well as didn't bother those around me, I found I didn't grow at all, but only regressed. During years where I should've known myself better and should've flourished, I became less and less certain as to who I was.

"I'm a daughter of God," I would tell myself. "That is enough."

And I hoped I was right.

But in time those words became meaningless. I'm a daughter of God...of a being that I didn't even know existed other than the fact that people told me He did. I figured there had to be a God as I've witnessed many miracles, been saved from self starvation, mutilation, sleep deprivation and my suicidal thoughts.

Yet, I still didn't know Him. I felt like He was some being behind a curtain; anonymous. I couldn't understand that I could believe in His power while not even sure I knew who He was. I was taught to fear Him. And while people can give a clearer definition of what it means to "fear God", I literally feared His power; feared that any wrong move could have me losing my salvation, that that seat in heaven that had my name on it, would be empty and on display for all to see....all because I didn't choose to do what I was told.

I figured him being anonymous and behind a curtain must've meant I was doing ok (ya know, the whole "no news is good news" mindset) and was far better than going to hell with his wrath like an elevator of fire, taking me there.

It bothered me when I would try to think outside the box that this mold placed me in, that I got a raised brow, a concerned look, or a lecture on why I must stay within his box, within this mold, because this is what keeps me safe.

And, from what I sadly realized, all the urging to remain in this mold was led by nothing but fear. Fear from the most well-intended, loving people...if not from myself.

I've heard people ask what we would do if we had no fear. I'd hear people answer, "I'd finally go skydiving!" or "I'd stand up to the person that held me down all these years!" I'd find my mind running to the freedom of knowing my own truth, without anything to hold me back. I'd consider the liberation it would feel to know my own path, my own knowledge of this life, to finally feel like I'm not a walking Picasso painting. For while this mold I held myself in "worked", my truth wanted to shine through and because I would suppress myself, I became plagued with crippling anxiety.

I remember telling my husband nine years ago, "I feel like a walking germ...I feel like my insides are filthy and that people are going to sense and feel that filth and that it's gonna rub off of them!" Sitting close to someone was agony. I would cry inside, "I just showered! My hair and makeup is done! My clothes are neat and modest! Why do I feel so damn dirty! People must be seeing all this filth! Why must this person sit by me, knowing I'm so gross?"

Hindsight is a beautiful, yet tragic thing, right? Why must we have hindsight to learn? Why can't we know all the answers in the moment?

One of my favorite quotes is, "Life if understood backwards but must be lived forwards."

.....why is that my favorite quote? Because it's freakin' true. God rarely tells me anything in the exact moment it happens or in my forward thinking. Not once have I heard God say, "Hey, you may wanna grab an extra gallon of milk because your friend Tami is going to need it in a few days when her husband is out of town, her car is broken down, and she's got two sick kids." No, it's usually comes in the form of, "Oh, you may be out of milk, why don't you buy an extra gallon, just in case...and look, milk is on sale this week, whaddya know?" And so even though I come home to find that I was wrong, that I indeed have more milk than I need, it was still the segue to getting my friend that milk and His answering her prayers.

But anyways...back to hindsight and the wonderful/terrible thing that it is:

In hindsight I understand now the reason I literally felt like a Picasso painting on top of a walking pigpen. My mold was no longer (if it ever was) honoring me. I fought hard to be in this mold. But the true heart and soul of me was fighting to come out too.

But that fear.

Fear is so real. I didn't know what would happen if I stepped out of this mold while searching to know who I was. "I am a daughter of God. That is enough," would be the foundation I was hoping that I stood on as I slowly stepped out. I felt like the child who had the floaties removed from their arms before being placed in the water to swim. I felt at times like I had nothing to grab on to and worried that I was going to sink (sink into the depths of hell--my salvation was on the line, remember?) and when that became too scary, I ran back into the mold which began to be too small for me.

Just as we try to stretch out those darn jeans the moment they come out of dryer and many times we're successful it making them work, my mold was the same way, until I realized my spirit, heart and soul had become too big to fit into it anymore.

Now I must tread water, with nothing to hold on to when things get tough.

And times did. Moments were confusing. Situations became unbearable. Where must I go and who am I? What are these new emotions that I'm feeling? Who is going to give me the answers I need?

And then I heard Him. And He reminded me:

"I am a daughter of God. That is enough."

Yes! That's it. I am going to be a true daughter of my God. I'm going to give Him my life, my heart and soul, and let Him make my mold and let Him be the box that I think within.

Suddenly this anonymous Being behind the curtain came forward. Suddenly this Being came nearer to me as I drew nearer to Him. Suddenly He was giving me answers to questions and calming the confusions within me and turning them into clarity. This Being had become my anchor, my strength, my life, my companion, and we are a team.

In all relationships there is a give and take. And usually with a great relationship you don't tally that give and take as it's a constant flow of both.

I feel I take much from God. I feel He tells/shows me much and I just soak it in, trying to do my best to keep up and do what He would have me do. Many times I feel as though my giving to Him pales in comparison to how much He gives me. And during one quiet moment of reflection, when I thought about how much God gives me and how much I give back and how unequal it is, He whispered something to me and it made perfect sense...and to sum up what he said is found in this image I fell upon, a few days later:

(source: unknown, but thank you for creating it)

A true relationship is built on love. What God wants is that we are in a committed relationship to Him so He can give you that commitment back. I promise you that He will never have you doing anything that is not true within you. He knows your level of comfort and He knows your heart. You must trust Him in that.

Remember too, He hears you and will follow your lead, it's not all Him doing and you following! He will trust you! He will answer you and give you what you ask if your heart is in the right place. This should be a true relationship, a team. You work alongside each other. It's unconditional give and take, push and pull; a perfect balance.

You must trust that He's going to guide you down paths that are seemingly lonely. But you'll never be alone. You must trust that when someone tells you a "truth" and your gut churns, that it's not your truth to keep, that it's not the truth He wants you to own. And He especially doesn't want you to force it as your truth because it's either not or it's not the right time for it to be your truth. Remember, His timing is perfect and there's no bus to catch, so quit feeling like you have fallen behind when comparing yourself to others.

I read a quote about how nature is never rushed. I think about the two walnut trees in my front yard that I frankly wish weren't there (let's get real here, fall time sucks around here with all the yard work these leaves/acorns have us doing). The one on the right loses it's leaves and acorns first and then a few weeks later, the left one joins in. Same for the Spring, the right one produces leaves far before the left. And yet, they're still a part of mother nature and they're still within their season.

I think about how much God doesn't want to rush us. How much free agency we truly do have, especially when we choose to follow Him, and give Him our heart. He made us and therefore knows our speed with growth, and knows what best suits our life.

I have often wondered if what God truly wants is for us to give Him our heart. If everything in this universe is created by Him and everything falls under the direction of Him....of all His creations, He gave us CHOICE....

What if all He wants is our decision to follow Him (*our heart*)? And not man?

It sounds so oppressive to say that I'm only going to follow God when it's been quite the contrary. I've never been happier. I've never felt more free. I see God as a loving parent, sitting back and watching His child dance and twirl around in front of Him, laughing and smiling. I see Him as this parent that lets this child dance to their heart's content, not choreographing their next move to make it "better", but allowing them full self expression in this moment, and loving them all the more for it.

God wrote us, created us, built us with a perfect mind and perfect hands. He wants you to be true to yourself. He wants you to find that truth with Him. He wants to help you discover the masterpiece He made you to be.

Maybe *this* is true salvation.

*************************

Here's a couple posts that I would like to share about Truth Seekers. Please read them both if you have the time. LOL, OK, I'm a hypocrite because I just scanned these pages. Whoops. Scan them if you have the time then! ;)

And I hope that if you are seeking your own truth, that you know that you're not alone and that if I can't help you, I pray the links below can.

https://100fold.wordpress.com/2010/12/29/characteristics-of-a-truth-seeker-part-1/
https://100fold.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/characteristics-of-a-truth-seeker-part-2/

Christmas hasn't even started but I am certain that doesn't matter for I know in a blink this year will be over. So why not say goodbye to it now?

I have remained quiet on this blog lately, not talking much about what's been going on with me as I feel that all I talk about is how much I've grown while another part of me wants to savor it and truly embrace this time in my life. Will this season end? Is this only the beginning? I wish I knew but if this is a season that will come to an end, I want to breathe it all in.

(I shall title this picture "Reflection" LOL)

I dunno, maybe it's because I feel like all this spiritual talk gets boring to you, my readers.... A friend recently said to me, "I worry that I talk too much about my mother's death that I'm becoming a bother and that people are assuming I have nothing else to talk about," when I have hardly noticed that at all in our conversations. I understand that her mother's death has been weighing a lot on her mind and soul, not to mention that many changes that have been made in her life have been from this death or a reflection from it.

But I understand what she means because that's exactly what I have been worrying about; that my posts are becoming nothing but yawn-fests.

This year, to put it simply, has been a year of "downloading". I often wonder if this year wasn't so much busy as it was my mind processing all that I have felt my Heavenly Father teach me. I have mentioned in a couple videos on my YouTube channel how I felt like the Summer had been robbed of me. That during those three months I wanted the stereotypical "Summer break" when instead it was packed with things unplanned and unexpected, to do at a moment's notice. I felt like the Summer came and went all in the course of a few days and before I knew it, I was at "Meet the Teacher" and then taking my kids to their new class, coming back home to an empty house and wondering what in the world happened to those three months that has me not mentally in the new school year.

I felt like I was learning at an incredible speed and didn't understand how those around me weren't, or seemingly weren't. I was finding new insights and inspirations on life and the meaning of it...with no way to bring it up to my friends in a conversation...which turned out to be a blessing as conversations with friends help divert me from the constant mind running as well as bring me back down to earth.

Several years ago I worried that I wasn't focused enough to learn. I thought maybe I placed so much stress on myself that something went wrong; how my brain would just shut off when I would try to study/read. I feared I was having a mental breakdown of sorts.

I've realized that my lack of focus wasn't due to the fact that I wasn't smart, or that I had issues with learning....it was because I wasn't to learn what I was attempting to cram into my brain. All this information, as interesting as I thought it was, wasn't what God wanted me to be studying. There was nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with what I thought I was to learn or study, but it was the wrong information for what my mind and soul were searching for.

While this year hasn't been bad, it's by far a better year than 2015, I'm ready to say goodbye to it, even though I hate wishing life away like this. I guess my hope for 2017 is a year-long vacation...haha, which I know won't happen. In my two dimensional thinking I keep hoping that as soon as January 1, 2017 rings in that suddenly the constant mental-chaos-turned-clarity will cease and I'll hear nothing but crickets and then bask in the sound of silence.

I can dream, can't I?

And while I feel like I've done nothing but run since January of this year, I've never been happier. Life hasn't felt more clear and while my mind is constantly "downloading" more and more information that I know God and his angels are sharing with me, I've never felt this much strength, this much love and companionship, this much control, and this much confidence in every waking day of my life. I find myself stopping to admire smallest bits of beauty in this world. Every sunrise and sunset seems to catch my breath these days. You'd think during a time when my mind is constantly thinking, constantly processing, constantly asking God more questions and listening for answers, that I wouldn't see the tender mercies of our Lord and Savior, the beauty of a robin hopping on fallen Autumn leaves, a person saying a kind word to a stranger. And yet, the Lord sees that I do.

How I feel like this world has become new. I look around and feel like I have been given a second chance to see His creations with different eyes and fresh perspective. And I have loved every minute of it....even though life won't slow down. :)



P.S.While writing this post, my brother sent me this video. How much Jim Carey's words and beliefs resonate strongly within me and within the truths I feel God has shown me.

Small Disclaimer (more like "I'm going to point this out because you may notice--and if so--I'm putting it out there that I'm already aware of this because if you're anything like me you'll find what you see below to drive you nuts"):

I realize that I'm still grasping more and more knowledge.

Well, duh. When are we ever not? But really folks, when am I ever NOT? 

#BlankStareForDays #NotReallyButSomeTimes #IGotStreetSmartsThough

As Michael Angelo said at the mature age of 87, "I'm still learning". 

I think often on this for comfort when I realize how old I am and feel like a fool when I understand that I don't know all that I thought I should know by now.

But the more I take photos, and then go to edit them, the more I realize just how true that is.

So while you look at these photos, knowing they're nothing like the photos you see on the page of a full-time blogger, or on the website of a professional's, please note that I am so incredibly self taught and am too distracted to study photography to improve. Also, I took these pictures around 7 or 8 pm and used no light other than the light in the kitchen and the yellow light above the range that my objects are resting under, and no flash because I don't like how the flash washes out evvvvvverrrryyyyyything. I'm sure I should have done something with ISO and f-stop as well before snapping away.

**********************************

So, let's proceed with the Borophyll, shall we?

For the past since-we've-had-small-kids, we've had plastic cups. You know, those cheap, $2 for a pack of 4 cups because why bother spending money on anything that will break when a toddler is around. I kept our glass cups high and out of the way, so much so that I'd forget we even had them and started buying more, ugly, cheap plastic cups until our cabinet was full of them.

Now that our youngest is 8 and while I still see him as the tiny tot who'd lay on the floor, pushing his trains back and forth making choo-choo sounds, I decided it was time to let bygones be bygones and trashed a whole mess of plastic cups in haste while leaving us with nothing more than these mason jar mugs I bought a few months ago, leaving a large void in the cabinets.

And that's what brings me here today.

Our latest addition to the cabinets.

I have been loving The Pioneer Woman's kitchen collection at Walmart. While I am not one who likes the designs and styles of products that Walmart creates, I was quite impressed with PW's when it hit the shelves. I have her salt and pepper shaker, her measuring cups, her cutting board, her strainer, and have been keeping my eye on many more things to soon get (when I can justify it).

Yesterday I went looking for some cute plastic cups. In my attempts I found there was NO SUCH THING unless I wanted Disney or action figures on them.

At this realization, I stumbled across PW's handled mug glasses and while I already have some similar (note the mason jars above), I wanted something a little different. 

But I sure loved her lids. So I bought a pack of four ($4) to add to a growing collection I started a while ago (I believe I bought the gingham lids you see below at the dollar store). Considering I had already PW's straws (12pk for $3), I figured I could buy some plain jars for cheap.

Sure enough, a couple aisles down I found a twelve pack of 12oz jars, for a mere $10.

It was totally worth it.

(Let's hope I won't regret not having any more plastic cups in the house.)

Let's break down the cost:

12pk 12oz Ball Quilted Crystal Jelly Jars: $10

4pk Pioneer Woman Assorted Jar Lids: $4

Gingham Jar Lids: $1 each at Dollar Tree

12pk Pioneer Woman Assorted Plastic Straws: $3

Cute cups and a happy mom: PRICELESS

A sweet friend of mine gave me this palette.

"You mentioned in a video that you have struggled finding the perfect gray eye shadow and well...this one has two," she said with a smile.

This has easily become my most favorite drug store palettes.

If you follow me on YouTube, you'll see that I've been trying out different eye shadow palettes from the dollar store (Dollar Tree) and so far have been pleasantly surprised.

But this past week I've found myself running to this palette more than any other. I am also wearing it in my most recent video (at the end).

Since I've been trying out different dollar store eye shadow palettes, I feel as though I've been walking around with many-a-color on my eyes.

And then bring on the Fourth of July when I sported this eye look:

I mean, c'mon, when can I wear bright red and bright blue on my eyes together and not feel silly? Confession: I was going to do one eye all red and the other eye all blue when, just as I was about to apply the eye shadow, my husband walks into the room with, "Hey, can you make a run to the store for me?"

So I chickened out and did this.

(Follow me HERE on Instagram!)

Needless to say, I needed a break from the bright/bold/deep colors. 

I found myself craving the more natural look, the more nudey colors. 

Here is a mini-demo on how I acquired that. You don't necessarily need this palette, just a cream/white and a neutral/light brown eye shadow will do!

Sooooooooo.......let's get started:

A couple of examples below. Very natural, very serene. Very much a "no makeup makeup" look (LAWLS, that is, for someone like me who loves a good drama on the eyes and wears it on the regular).

 

Here's how I created the look. Like I told ya, super easy. The liquid liner is optional. You can replace it with a pencil liner, or no liner at all. But since I've been sporting "wings" for five years now, I literally feel naked without them and will end up not being able to look myself in the mirror, no matter what time of day it is, until I put them back on. Even if it's bedtime (but I never last that long). #pathetic

Here's a close up. I placed the cream eye shadow on brow bone and then on my lid. The brown I put on the crease and blended it upward towards my brow bone (for a smooth transition between colors and because I have hooded lids--#blessed--and if I don't do that, my lid will look heavy and I'll look tired). I also applied the brown toward the outer corner of my lid before dragging it along my lower lid and although it's not too noticeable, it's subtle enough for me to like it better than without.

Oh and that white that is under my eye that looks like the eyeshadow on my brow and lid, that's concealer because 30 happened and if I don't cover my bags, those 6 hours of incredible sleep I got, will show up as a lie.

Here's a breakdown of the products:

Milani Smoky Essentials: between $8-$10

L.A. Colors Brown Liquid Eyeliner: $1 at Dollar Tree (I freakin' LOVE this stuff)

Maybelline Falsies Push Up Drama Mascara: $8 at Walmart. This stuff is BOMB.

Elf Bronzer and Blush colors Turks & Caicos: $3 at Walmart

So let's say you still want a more "nude" look with warmer, perhaps deeper, all-around more inviting colors AND with a cheaper palette?

I've got you covered!

Welcome L.A. Colors Haute Palette

(Source. I also adjusted the colors to be more true to the palette in real life.)

Here's the look I created with this. While Milani is my favorite drug store palette, Haute is my absolute favorite dollar store (Dollar Tree) palette.

(Potential thumbnail for a recent video. Girl needs to sit up straight!)

Here's how it's done (below). If you are interested in seeing a mini-demo of me using this palette, let me know in the comments! I'm more than likely recreating this look at least twice a week anyway and--as you can tell by the picture below, I already beat this palette up quite a bit before saying, "Oh yeah, maybe I should take a picture of the palette now before I hit pan (which I did a few days ago)."

I love creating these looks! Are there any palettes you enjoy to use for the more "natural", "no makeup makeup" look? Please let me know in the comments!

Have a great one!

(Source)

In listening to a podcast this morning, this poem was given.

What's funny was the slew of emotions just the name "Shel Silverstein" has given me all these years.

I believe I came to know who he was towards the end of my elementary school experience. I grasped on to his funky poems and squiggled drawings more into my middle school years. After marriage and with two kids, it was rumored that he "liked kids a little too much". This had me so upset that the copy I had of his The Light In The Attic was then treated as nothing but a toy for my kids to trample on, tear pages from, and use as a coloring book...because now, after knowing this knowledge, his writings were essentially useless.

I couldn't bear to throw the book away though. And we very well may have it still lurking under my daughter's bed, the binding ripped, a chunk of pages pulled out. I just couldn't let go of how happy his poems made me...the reminder of those simpler times in life and how many of his poems mirrored that time or brought a smile to my young face. And I could tell by my daughter's insisting on keeping the book, as mangled as it is, has done the same for her.

Just a couple years ago, I found that rumor to be untrue.

How I wished that I didn't believe something wrong and false about someone so quickly. That I'm more willing to trust that something is bad about someone than something is good. How I'm seemingly more happy to have a reason to not be someone's friend or to not respect someone than I am to embrace everyone as a Child of God and see them through the eyes of Christ.

I have been on this running search to find truth, for years now. But it's been especially concentrated these last, oh, six months or so.

I struggle with this voice within and with what my mind "knows". I used to forgo everything my heart told me if it didn't go with what I was taught. For in my imperfect thinking I thought my heart, the true me, was in the wrong and an "enemy to God".

In my hopes to find truth I've had to step outside of habit. Outside of "the norm", outside of tradition. I've also had to look at everything I've known as being true to being EITHER true or not.

While I found myself, during this search, to find several things I have been told to be true that I now say I officially know, within my heart is true, there are other things that I question and yet, while that feels uncomfortable at times--to have that blanket of assurance and knowledge that held me close and kept me warm my whole life removed from me--I find peace in being here. And a happiness I didn't think would be here either.

All because of that voice inside me.

I have found that this voice gives me more happiness and peace and clarity than the things that I forced myself to "know" as truth and pushing aside that voice within that says, "Hey wait! That doesn't feel right..."

But I'm finding that this voice that speaks truth to me, that I know without a doubt is from God, is something that is being questioned by others. I know it may have others questioning my validity as person who is intently listening to Christ and His teachings. I could very well become the topic of gossip to my peers, that I'm the one that could be shunned and placed in a category of not being trusted or that I'm living a life in deception because I've let go of some of what I "know" and replaced it with what rings true in my heart.

And for that, I mourn.

(Source, pinterest)

But I am so happy. So in love with life. I feel Christ every day in it. I've never felt a stronger companionship to Him than I do now and I'm grateful for that. If stretching me out of my comfort zone, feeling many times without bearings in my search for truth, wondering what HIS TRUTH is for me will give me this companionship, I'll take it over and over again than to go back to where I was.

I feel I'm honoring God and Christ most when I give them my heart and follow Their instruction while being most authentically me. I am of no good to anyone, including God, if I struggle in fitting into mold that is a great one, but hinders my light from shining.

(I saved this years ago, so I do not have the source to this image. If you know the source, please comment below so I may correct this. Thank you!)

Valentine's Day is coming.

And while I should be brainstorming more about what to do for my Valentine's Outfit Of The Day, I instead have something else on my mind.

Love.

Which you'd think, "Duh, Ladee, of course you're thinking about love with Valentine's Day coming up."

And actually no, it's not because of that.

LOVE has literally been on my mind a lot lately.

This past year I've been thinking a lot about me (ha, I sound arrogant) and about how much I want to be the best person I can be. And in my journey of forever betterment, or whatever you may call it as while I know that I am a work in progress, I am certain that I'll never always have it right or be perfect, I've been listening to how I talk to others, watch how I treat others as well as how they talk and treat me.

And I do have to say that I look back with a lot of shame.

How could I so easily love someone, or give someone the benefit of the doubt and then lose all that within an instant when I hear of a secret of theirs or hear that they no longer attend church/stop believing in God or that they choose to do anything against my moral code?

What good am I doing by suddenly seeing them in a different light, therefore choosing to forgo that "benefit of a doubt" that I only hope others would give me?

I felt it was drilled within me to "love one another" and to be like Christ, who loves everyone, only to be whiplashed with how I should be careful of those I allow as friends, for their influences could affect me.

I literally felt the only friends that I was to have were not those that had the same "standards" as mine, but only those who attended the same church as mine.

Every one else, all those other potential friends that I could have had, I was just to be kind to, but keep at a distance.

And I look back on my life, wishing I had been more accepting of others.

I have a good friend who left my church.
Her mother told her, "I would've rather heard you died than leave the church."
Her father emails her with quotes upon quotes, wronging her reasons for leaving.
Friend number one pulled me aside one day and said, "I don't know how to act around her now."
Friend number two said, "I was told that I should lose contact with her."
Many friends talk about her as though her salvation is lost.
And many of those friends don't talk to her anymore.
But when I asked my friend how she feels about everything, she gave me a genuine smile and said, "Ladee, I am at peace."

And I felt peace too. Because how can I argue that? Argue the fact that she's at peace with life? Who am I to say she's not? Who am I to say that she is now unworthy of love and friendship because she made a decision she felt within her was the right one?

If we feel inner peace with that we're doing in life, how can that be wrong?

While this has been a slow transition for me, to love one another as they are, starting around the age of high school, I woke up one day just tired of judging on the whole. I got tired of thinking someone should be loved to a certain degree more or less than someone else because of the way they choose to live their life.

I'm not saying that I'm completely judge-free. I still have my times when I make assumptions of people and for the most part, any negative assumption I have generally ends up to be a wrong one, which only reminds me that I'm a fool and need to leave the judging and the assumptions to God, for heaven's sake (pun intended).

Why are we so selective in the love we give?

People act like love is some finite resource. Like it's gonna get all used up so we must use it wisely.

I understand how loving someone, only to have them stab you in the back (or to not reciprocate it), sucks. I understand the blow that is, I understand how hard it is to sleep with that knowledge and knowing that person won't be there tomorrow or worse, knowing you must cut those ties tomorrow. I understand how it feels to know you gave love throughout a period of time, wondering if that person was deserving of it and if they truly loved you back.

I understand too how that can have us putting love on hold for others. Or keeping them at a distance to protect a resource within us that we cherish so much; a part of ourselves we may never get back.

But why can't we give some love and care to everyone? Why must our hearts run cold until someone comes along to warm it? Why must we look on the outside or look at the faults FIRST before assessing whether someone is worthy to be loved or even accepted?

When I decided to believe that love is an infinite resource, I found myself with more love to give. And I found myself making far less negative assumptions.

As it says in 1 Thessalonians 3, when given instruction on how to better one's lacking faith:

11. Now God himself and our Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ direct our way unto you.
12. And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward ALL MEN, even as WE DO TOWARD YOU.
13. To the end he may stablish your hearts unblameable in holiness before God, even our Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, with all the saints.

I feel that if we are commanded to love one another and that being it, no asterisk next to this verse, no "if, and, or but" afterwards then shouldn't we do just that: to love one another and to give them that part of your time and even a small part of your heart?

I started this blog years ago, hoping that I could word vomit everything that I'm feeling and what's going on in my life and in the lives of my friends so that I could back up why I feel this way and what honestly started this post.

I guess what has me hurt the most and has me writing this post is because I know far too many people, myself included, who feel they can't be truly honest with those around them because they feel that those they cherish the most will see them differently and therefore remove their love from them and create a wall of separation because, "it's you that's changed".

I hate that I can only tell a few people what lies within the deepest realms of my heart or be most authentically me because they're "safe" when I could easily be this way with a stranger and spill my guts to them and they wouldn't see me any different than any other person. How is it at all logical to trust a stranger more than to trust a family member with what's burdening you? I've wondered how many times I've told my children they could tell me anything, but my actions have had them second-guessing that and therefore, they don't?

I want to change that. I want my kids to know that the safest person they can trust, is ME. I want my kids to know that any question or concern or worry or fear or anything can be held safe within me and that they'll know I'll still LOVE THEM.

And the parent in me thinks that maybe that's where this all should start: within the home. For if we show those around us how it is to love and to give the benefit of the doubt, then maybe, just maybe, that Christlike example will be etched within our hearts and will come naturally to those who are outside the home.