I Don't Fit In

Four simple words that slashed my self worth nearly 15 years ago, lifted my spirits the other evening.

I look back at how badly I just wanted to be something to someone. How badly I wanted to be great in everyone's eyes. I wanted to be a part of a group, love it, and have everyone love me.

But I didn't have that. I was an awkward girl, socially awkward at best. I was introverted and shy and feared saying anything because I feared that the attention that I get could very well be negative. And I didn't want negative attention, I didn't want someone to call me out in a crowd and embarrass me with questions or demands or something that would put me on the spot and leave me with no room to give the right response.

I feared this so much, I held myself back. I wanted to be a natural at anything. I wanted to be naturally confident. I wanted to be a natural beauty. All those things, or even one of those things, in my mind, would definitely have me fitting in somewhere and being known to those around me as a someone.

This mental fight to be something great while fearing what "great" may be had me reverting to being a wall flower, tucked into the background while I watched everyone else live up their time to shine with their friends. I admired how well each person fit into the different groups while I pleaded to be a part of something.

My group of friends weren't part of a select group. We were just there. And even at that, my friends were more popular than me. More people from other groups talked with them, laughed with them, hugged them, supported them than any did me. I assumed that was because I just didn't have what my friends had. Which, looking back, I didn't.

And while that's neither here nor there, through the school of hard knocks I have found that I am best as my own person, a person who loves all the different groups and can appreciate them all. I'm that person who doesn't like to be tied down to a tribe when there's so many incredible people in other tribes that I am just dying to know.

I went to bed after saying those four words, seeing how much I have changed, how the words I used to say hurt me more than I understood. The words came full circle, back to a Ladee who embraced the words with love and appreciation, than how they were expressed in the past: a truth that was falsely interpreted as I being the problem.

I had to make a video on it, of course. And while those days were tough, I can look back on them and laugh. How I wish the young Ladee could see that those harmful, hateful words are now words that I am happy to express.

Ladee, you don't fit in. You'll never fit in.

And girl, that's the best thing for you.