My Lesson in Forgiveness

Forgiveness is never easy.

And yet I wonder if that's how it's supposed to be. For the learning during the forgiveness process holds a value we can never achieve any where else.

Several years ago a friend of mine was going through a tough time. From an outside perspective, I would believe that he brought  these "tough times" upon himself. But since I have not walked the road he did, I can not judge what caused this time in his life.

Sadly, I understood one thing he was going through. He was best friends with a group of guys and seemingly out of nowhere all his friends stop contacting him, returning his calls, or even trying to salvage their friendship. From my imperfect perspective I saw that the choices he's made in his life caused his friends to make this decision.

But since I once had a group of friends that push me away, and treated me like a stranger due to a severe depression that encompassed my life so much so that I could barely survive each day EXISTING, let alone keeping up with friends and their lives, I completely understood where this friend was coming from.

I did all that I could to let him know that I cared about him, that I found value in him and that I didn't limit my belief in him due to the life he was living. And most importantly, I wanted him to know he could rely on me.

And then one day it all came crashing down. He took advantage of my friendship and while at my house, stole from me to feed this addiction of his. Two, 30 count bottles of expired Hydrocodone, GONE. I figured he was better than that, that he had the decency to respect our friendship, and my belongings. He probably assumed that since they were expired I wouldn't notice them missing. But just a week prior, I cleaned out my medicine box but kept those, as at the time I had no medical insurance and while I hate that kind of medicine and instead will take Ibuprofen, I can't predict my future and if I'll ever need them.

While he never said anything and I was so hurt I cut him off, and after rehab we spoke no more to each other, I still wanted him to ask for forgiveness. I wanted it so bad. I wanted to know he was dearly sorry for what he had done. I wanted to know that he knew this ridiculous action of his destroyed my trust in him and shattered our friendship. An apology could have salvaged that. And I didn't want to go to him to get it. I wanted him to want to apologize.

But instead he went on with life like it didn't. even. matter.

This hurt me so much that it encompassed my life and festered something nasty within me. I couldn't focus without my anger towards him dancing in the background of my mind, slowing coming forward until I couldn't think of anything else. My happiness diminished because I was so caught up in how much he betrayed me. I wished him terrible things. I wished karma would hit him so hard and for the whole world to see. What sweet revenge I would feel to watch him go down, getting a taste of what I felt he deserved.

I realized one day, talking to my friend, that I needed to forgive him. My life wasn't getting any better, holding onto feelings that aren't hurting him, but wreaking havoc on my spirit.

And I did.

Or so I thought I did.

I would see him in town and those feelings resurfaced. I would spend the rest of the day rehashing those old feelings, wishing him hell to pay. The feelings stronger than before.

Remembering the error of my ways, I would forgive him again.

And then I would see him at church, CHURCH, and instead of me being Christlike and with a Christlike attitude, I instead looked at him as the sinner whose actions should give him no reason to show up and act like he was perfect, his prayers eloquent enough to bring one to tears and a knowledge of their own sins, but he went on like he did nothing to me. And then I would look at the congregation and wonder, "Who else has he done this with? And they not know?"

Each time this cycle continued, when those angry feelings came back, they came back tenfold.

Finally one day, while talking to this same friend she said, "Ladee, I don't think you've forgiven him."

And while I thought her words were out of line, I left from her house that day realizing she was right. Forgiveness means that I am no longer tied down to the negative feelings. It means I can move forward in my life with no more reminders of what he did, because it no longer controls me.

I was once told that the only things/beliefs that can control you are the things/beliefs that you allow to control you.

One day I was in my dining room, preparing a lesson I had to give the next day when I saw the reflection of a car pass in front of my house. I felt attacked with the same energy I felt when I would see my friend. I found myself uttering, "I am going to guess that is him". And within an instant I was running into my kitchen to see his work vehicle drive away.

I understood at that moment that it didn't matter how many times I begged God to help me forgive him, as I was forgiving him, it was a  dark energy this man carried within him that projected on to me that clung to me, that made me the same person he is: full of rage and hatred.

I processed this for a day or two. I was putting on my makeup one morning, with this all still on my mind. He had to have known that his anger with me, I being one of the many that cut ties to him, affected me. I already knew his bitterness towards those that let him go. So he had to have felt the same towards me.

I had an idea. A thought clear as day came into my mind and with half a face of makeup on, I prayed.

"Dear Lord, please shield me from the negative energy that attacks me when we see each other. I pray it'll bounce off me and be given back to him, so he'll know he can't hurt me anymore."

I finished my makeup, went about my day and then saw him again, in town. I braced myself for the all-familiar.....

Nothing.

I. felt. NOTHING.

Never has "nothing" felt so good. I sat in my car and let "nothing" settle within me. It was as sweet as bliss.

I saw him again later that day. Nothing.

And again the next day. Nothing.

It's been years and I still feel NOTHING.

I was liberated. Cut from the garbage that controlled me. I can finally say now that I forgive the man. That while what he did was a slap in my face, I feel no more ill feelings. I feel nothing towards him. He's an acquaintance now and while I have no idea if he's comfortable with that or comfortable during the times he sees me, I am.

I have made my peace.

I don't hate him anymore.

I still see his value.

And maybe, if the day ever comes when he does ask for forgiveness, I can say, "Don't worry about it, I forgave you long ago."

But I won't hold my breath.